i'm sitting on my couch, crying and trying to get lesson plans, presentations, and worksheets completed at the same time. pathetic, is what i feel. even though i know i'm not. im reading up about this artist tatyna fazlalizadeh, she's such a badass wheatpasting portraits of women with statements against sexual harassment all around cities. i wonder if i'll ever do such badass things. cheryl says i already am one.

i miss my family especially much, it's the first christmas im going to spend away from them. i remember i tried to freshmen year and i couldnt do it. i ended up wasting a ticket and flying home. some days i think chicago is home, walking the streets alone - gallery hopping, checking out parks by myself, going to various schools, feeling like this isn't just college, but some sort of life i have built up for myself. yet somedays, it just isn't home. my body feels out of place, a foreignness plagues the apartment i live in, the street which my feet walk upon, the air my lungs inhale.

some days, i am a child. i just want to be home with mum and dad, the sister and bud.

you think you find home in people, in friends, some days it feels like it, other days it feels like finding home in yourself is your safest bet. then again, when you're crazy like that, half the time you are running away from yourself.

weird creaky elevator

joanne and i met up for our yearly dinner last night. it's the second and probably last yearly dinner in chicago. we meet up more in the states than in singapore even though we are both singaporeans. we met in church, when we were both youth ministry leaders. our first conversation was in a long car ride to the airport to send someone off. we hardly knew each other then. i don't remember why i was supposed to be in her car. but i'm glad.

she had a different energy about her that i had not seen before, a sort of joy and lightness of being. and it was refreshing being around someone whom emitted light and joy, and genuinity. we split an ahi tuna burger, and an umami burger. and also bomb af maple bacon fries. i was so excited for her to try the truffle ketchup cos it's so good. it had been a long day/couple of weeks, and somehow meeting with her was some sort of respite, as if everything stopped for a while. maybe it was the intentionality of presence in some sense. i've been trying to do that more. i feel like in the midst of busyness there's been a need to compartmentalize, and not be thinking about everything and everyone all at once, cos that's just hella overwhelming and it'll break you more than you're already broken. she obviously enjoyed the meal, cos i have the best food recommendations, and we were ready to go when our server was like "would yall like some pie" and i was like hell yes to some key lime from bang bang!!! we were so full but so satisfied.

i was bummed that she would have left by friday when the opening of shelby clare and my show was happening, then i realised i had the keys and could bring her to the space then. i laughed. we took the creaky weird elevator up. it's odd to think about space, and how it transforms with bodies. like the idea of an "opening" is a bunch of people, art, alcohol, talking. but bringing her in to a space that right now was just being set up, and incomplete, and just me and her -- there was some sort of intimacy that would be different from an opening. i told her about our work, and she asked questions, and it was nice to be in that space, with the windows facing the intersection at damen, and feeling like everything was kind of under or below us, but we were just there ya know? 

we headed back to mine after, and hung out the couch listening to the milk carton kids, and bon iver, and talked about faith/christianity/stuff. i feel like i havent had a decent conversation about where i am in my faith/belief in God in a way that didn't feel like people were trying to convince me that being a christian is the way to go in a while. she listened and shared her experience, and it was really nice. i love having people over so much. 

i finished the bfa proposal like 5 minutes before it was due, and was basically half asleep writing the last quarter of it, passed out on the couch at midnight, and the next time my eyes were open was 6.45am. i stayed on the couch for another 2 hours, and was late for class. 

mrpppp feelings about the internet while i use the internet jeez.

i just attempted to delete a bunch of crap from my facebook, also off my instagram. there's so much digital history it is insane. it is weird how scrolling through my timeline on facebook helps me remember things. like that just seems disturbing, how something as clinical and large and soulless as technology/the internet results in intense and poignant nostalgia - the reminders of people who have been important at some point in your life, but now are no longer friends, or people who used to be strangers are now your closest friends. that juxtaposition trips me up. i didnt really know what to do with my feelings, so i just sent shelby a bunch of screenshots, and vomited memories as text messages - stories of the boys i used to like, the ones i almost dated.. i laughed, but there was some sort of aching or longing for the past - not in a way that i want to relive them, but a realisation that those moments have happened and are over, and how many of them add up to how i am today. i recall the awkward encounters with new people, or being in new environments and think about how differently or more confidently i would respond now. but i also think about how in 20 years, i will look back to my present self and think similar thoughts.

i always wonder why my generation/people more and more feel the need to post things online, as if not posting it means it didnt actually happened. it's the affirmation is it not? from others, from strangers, putting it out there in the universe - like hi i'm here and i think i matter? tell me i matter. aren't i doing it now? how meta.

weird walk good but weird heavy night

shelby asked if i cared if she threw away big pieces of one of my works i asked her to help me cut up. i said nah i didnt wanna know what she did to them, just cut it up. i watched as this bulky obnoxious space-occupying thing became more hand-held manageable pieces of colour and line. are you bored i asked. nah, she said, i'm cutting up this piece. good. i heard the rain falling outside, it was coming down pretty hard. we grabbed drinks and chairs and hung out on the porch. i watched as the rain pooled into puddles, raindrops jumping off the surface of the puddles, light being reflected off the wet streets and sidewalks. i belt greenday. she laughed and took a video. we walked back to hers when the rain got a little lighter. i told her i love her, and she said to text when i reached home. i listened to the sound of the rain, and strolled home. i never stroll. i always know where i need to get to and how to get there. today, i didn't. each step seemed heavy, and exhausted, and anxious all at the same time. the shadow of the umbrella made me feel like someone was following me. it was merely the shadow of the umbrella. i turned around to check, and saw a guy walking his dog. i kept walking. i turned the keys to unlock the door to my apartment. i texted shelby that i was home and sent her a song on spotify.

hole in the ground

i've been making maps of my thoughts. linear paragraphs just don't seem to work lately. 

i woke up to a text from shelby "are you awake"

i am now. i replied. it's been comforting having one of my best friends be 10 minutes away. it's been three years, i look back on the three years, and it is kinda crazy how much i've changed - grown, regressed in some areas maybe, just learnt how to exist more independently in this world. holding the keys to my own apartment always feels a little surreal. like it's "my place", unless you move out in singapore, youll never be able to say that.

i remember when i was like 8, i made a sign for the door to me and my sister's room, i think i almost asked my parents for the keys to the room, maybe i did, just to demarcate a space that was "mine". i know that to my parents that room is mine but there was something in actual possession, that was enticing. isn't that a human thing though, or an animalistic thing - to want, to desire, to chase, to finally have. then when we have, don't we always want more? hm. there are so many things that aren't ours to have - it could be ours to borrow, or hold for a while, but sometimes it's just not ours to have. it kinda sucks. but also, it would be boring if we could have everything we desired. that seems too much.

ugh i wanna curl up into a ball and roll into a hole in the ground.

demogorgon come get me.

walked to shelby's for four quarters

i miss my sister a lot, i think we have grown closer in recent years, and it feels just kinda sad that we are each sort of missing a part of the other's life after growing up together for so many years. i think instead of reaching out and making contact i have a tendency to distance myself because it is easier to be numb than to be constantly missing. but i think we are going to skype soon. im looking forward to it.

it's been a few days of being incredibly grateful for the friends around me. 5 of them helped move me and two of my roommates in yesterday in 3.5 hours. it was such record time and we had a great time too. i don't know. something i have been processing lately is the way we accept love, or receive love. there were moments that i just felt bad that i needed so much help to move, if i could i would do it myself. but there were points that we were laughing so hard, and enjoying each other's presence. and they were just helping me unconditionally. it was something truly humbling, i think to receive love not because you deserve it, nor because you are a good person but simply because you are loved. 

on another note, it has been more than a month since i have had more than 2 hours to myself i think. the ireland trip was in very close proximity to 19 other students, and 3 faculty/staff; at oxbow we were constantly around others, living with others too. and there is just a deep sense of loneliness - some sort of forgetting how to exist by myself. i know i will eventually love it again but right now it just feels odd and kind of unsettling. 

the new place has been such a treat though - to finally have a place to call home. not being in the loop is so great. i feel like i can breathe again - and being so close to shelby too, is lovely. i walked over to her place just now just to exchange a dollar for 4 quarters for laundry just like that. it used to take close to an hour to get to hers from mine. shelby also drove me to target and helped me carry a bunch of crap into my place earlier today. we desperately needed a microwave - which i wanted to buy from the target in the loop and carry it back to my place. she insisted it was too heavy and said she'd drive me. it was fun house shopping. 

there's been so much to process. i doubt any of it is gonna make it to the internet, but it has been both a challenging, yet incredibly incredibly beautiful summer of great growth and understanding myself better, loving myself and others more - with many questions of existentialism, faith and also much sass in between. 

i hope your summer is going wonderfully :)

waiting around to go to the airport

everything is back in boxes, or stashed away in some part of shelby's room. it's been a crazy two and a half weeks back in chicago and i've loved most of it. i'm surprised at how much i enjoy being alone lately - from longer commutes, to going to the park, to just cooking in the apartment, with music playing. i think about how so much of my younger self was trying to be someone else, i feel like it's such a cliche though, but we all kinda go through it somehow, before we realise we don't need to be anything but ourselves. and i mean then it's the question of what the self is, which is a whole other rabbit hole to go down. but, it's been nice to leave a party when i get tired, and retreat under my sheets to watch a movie with a cup of hot honey lemon green tea, and not feel like i am missing out on anything. i wonder if fear of missing out is something that is more part of our generation that anything else, because of social media, and constantly knowing what everyone else is up to, but a more polished, curated version of other people's lives. and you just sit around feeling bummed out that maybe you're not making the most of things. i wonder if we do need to make the most of things. sometimes, making the most of things just makes me even more tired and unable to enjoy the most of whatever it is that im trying to make the most of.

anyway, back to packing, unpacking, repacking. and moving! oh my moving. i love helping people move, but moving in myself is another thing. i'm excited though, to be placed again. and settled somewhere instead of living out of a box. though that has had it's own merits too. being able to quickly pack up and move is such a romanticised concept that i theoretically enjoy.

i wrote these thoughts a month ago:

I think about conversations to process other conversations,
I've taken so long to learn how to slowly ease into myself
I watched a show recently that says society trains us to hate ourselves because it's more profitable when we exist like that
I think about the church and how so much of the time it's antithetical to what Jesus preached
I think about joy and happiness and our pursuit of it, and wonder if suffering contributes to joy. Not that I'm saying I want to suffer or want people to suffer but I wonder if being happy 100% of the time is ideal
I think about our ideals and if they are really ideal
I think about being single forever and that it'll be okay, I'd travel and live in different parts of the world and have occasionally really good sex and have conversations both the mundane and the great
I think I just saw a bat

so what are you really going to do?

at uptown climbing with jun. it makes me feel weird sometimes. i think just the association of being watched by people/having had anxiety attacks before when i was not in a good place. finding apartments has been challenging. i have a good feeling about the one on belmont. but i don't know. hm. we'll see. aunty joyce i think prayed about God having set aside an apartment for us. that was comforting.

i think i'm happy? i just had that realisation a moment ago. it's not like i have not been, you just don't really think about that much, like kindof definitively ya know? i think i'm happy. Jun, hope and me sat on the balcony last night for dinner. it was beautiful, watching the light change as the sun set. i had whipped up two simple dishes with jun and hope's help from what jun had in the fridge and we talked over dinner and virgin mimosas. lol we only had sprite, no champagne. conversations lately have been geared towards the future mostly. what people our age are "doing" now i guess - varying from us (being in college), to those who are already working, making loads of money or having their own businesses, to those with kids and husbands. i thought, looking at the city before me, all the buildings - the offices, homes. lights flickered on and off as people left their offices for home, and arrived home from offices after a day's work. i thought about all the lives in those windows. the vastness of the sheer number of people living in the city before my eyes was kind of comforting. like i'm just one in the many you know? i turned back to face hope and jun. the conversation was about what we see ourselves "doing" i guess, and the frequent questions we get from friends and family, 

so what are you really gonna do? 

how is your degree going to practically contribute to your life? 

how are you going to make money? 

we laughed and joked, but also acknowledged the reality that those questions sometimes pose - like we have/should be out there finding jobs that pay. i think we each make art for different reasons, but we each feel the need to make, to create. for some of us, it's something we love and express ourselves through, others - a coping mechanism, a way to critique society, or some - we simply feel the need to make.

artists sometimes, more often than not, have to work twice as hard to get half as far, but far in which direction is what i have been wondering lately. where are we trying to go? what do practicality and success and happiness mean? doesnt it all differ from person to person? why does society feel the need to have set criteria that people tick off or feel the need to meet? i dont think there was really a conclusion to the conversation. i mean we each kind of had inklings of perhaps where our hearts are drawn to, with the considered realities of practicalities like cash and paying the bills, and i mean, we're just taking it day by day i guess. it's as if art school taught us both that hard work is key, but just when you almost let hard work consume you, you realise that that isn't all it is, and continually striving isn't the way to go, you get lost easily in the hustle. i mean that's why we are artists, no? there's always the thought/need to get into shows/galleries, to be known, to make social change, to make a difference, leave a mark. but also havent i always made work that notices the mundane, that pleads for our steps to slow down, our eyes to see, our ears to hear, our hearts to be softened to the everyday, to people we love, people we don't yet know, to remember we are human, and flawed and messy and kind of all over the place, but maybe that's beautiful? or maybe it's not beautiful but it is who we are? the lights from the ships on the horizon flickered apprehensively.

there and then though, it was enough for me to know that my heart was full. to be on the balcony with friends i love having dinner, with the city beneath us.

of presence/silence/conversations

i bumped into cheryl at the bus stop today. she came and sat by me and gave me a hug. it was so good to see her. she felt like home somehow. the last time we hung out regularly together was during ac cell - i feel like one of the periods where i felt most myself, and that feeling of familiarity came back to me. we were taking the same bus back and i was so glad to have time to catch up and be silly and filterless and just talk. i feel like it has taken me such a long time to know how to engage in conversations genuinely. i think growing up i always feel like i had to have everything resolved before i talked about things. i dont know where i got the impression that talking to others should be about sharing conclusions, and having answers, and resolutions. it was difficult to talk about things i still had questions about or were unresolved. i think one part of it was because i didnt want to put the other person in a position of feeling like they needed to help me solve my problems, or say feel pressured to make me feel better. which often, i think i feel the need to. i've always been one to need to fix things, or to provide answers, or to comfort, or feel like just in some way my interaction with someone else has made a difference. but idk. i feel like it's taken me a while (as in more than two decades) to learn that presence is so valuable. being there, being present, listening. like that is often simple and enough. and when it's not enough, it's okay. we aren't meant to or expected to be solutions to others, i think we all struggle together don't we? sometimes we talk through things to reach new revelations, sometimes we just all get more confused, sometimes we just need to get things out, sometimes it's just sitting in silence.

hm. hello june.

sundaes, pancakes, thoughts, and beauty.

I was laying on my bed watching something on youtube, half listening to my sister, half watching this video - I shout an answer, and she shouts another question, I shout something that doesn’t answer the question. She comes and sits on the bed she used to sleep on and starts telling me about something. I stop watching the video and listen. She braids her hair as she recounts a conversation. I interject to correct a falsity. Her eyes widen. I laugh. It leads to an hour-long catchup about things you wouldn’t expect to fit in an hour.

Mum and dad keep dragging me out for walks. My parents are legitly more fit than me. But also the reward is all that good food that they have scouted for me these three months. Parents do so much more and worry so much more than I ever will know of, and I am ever so thankful.

my heart is home again.

The 24-hour journey home this time felt okay. I’ve had worse flights, worse transits. I sit beside a man who used to work in Singapore, as he tries to recount the places he’s been. He says there’s a fountain. Suntec city I say? He says yea, but there’s this other neighborhood that starts with a t? nobody calls places in Singapore neighborhoods but I don’t bother correcting him. Tampines? The plane starts to move forward as it prepares for takeoff. I need to look it up he says, as he pulls up his phone and turns it off airplane mode. I think to myself boy you gonna screwup the signals on the plane, even though I know it wont. He says “Teh muh-sake!” that’s it. I’m like ah, temasek. Glad we got that established. It was a nice conversation, as if a preparation to go home to familiarity, to the land where Asians are the majority, where the accents are familiar, (everyone has an accent yall get over it), where my feet can take me places with my eyes closed. I close my eyes as the plane takes off.

The semester passed by so slowly, kinda painfully, but also pretty quick in other ways. There never seemed to be enough time for the amount of things to do, conversations to be had, ideas to churn on. I made do with what I had. I feel like it was a semester where I didn’t have any energy left to try to hold onto or care too much about people, or things around me, it took whatever I had just to keep putting one feet in front of the other. But I think I learnt that, sometimes we carry others, sometimes others carry us, sometimes we all just try to crawl forward together.

The last week of being in the states found me at cedar campus for intervarsity’s chapter focus week. I was the only one from my chapter going, Jessica was so lovely as to drive me, and another student Cam from Roosevelt, and rachael and leann were in the car together too. 10 hours it took to get to the upper peninsula, but so worth it (I wasn’t the one driving though lol). It was a week of having a lot of time to myself, realizing that I was socially not as outgoing as I used to be (but that was okay), I truly enjoy good conversations, i don’t have to have my faith figured out fully and struggling is fine, I am an artist. I feel like I knew this before, but you know the head and the heart thing, these things seemed to do some sort of osmosis to my heart.

I think it was one of the most beautiful places I had been to, so much of it was just what it was, the lake and nature and trees and whatever lived in them. The hikes I took, and time of just lying on the rocks and being small in God’s creation was very life giving. The waters were so clear and it felt nice to breathe and have time to feel my lungs do their thing. It was fun laughing and playing two truths and one lie with with cam, rachael and wardell, where rachael accidentally told us all three truths because she forgot to add a ‘not’ to one of her statements. Waking up and realizing I wasn’t the only one in bed, and laughing with Malory and deciding we both could sleep another five minutes as we waited for the line for breakfast to clear. Watching rachael and jessica be very excited about ice-cream sundaes. Turning off all the lights so we could watch the lightning and the lake when it started raining with jessica. Meeting singaporeans, christine, joel, and adriel! christine and I were in mg at the same time, and adriel and me both went to acsi. It was funny, they came up to me and were like “are you from Singapore?” and I’m like yea.. wait how did they know, as I thought that they said they saw my ac pullover from the day before. I didn’t even realise I had brought it. they very kindly basically adopted me into their chapter and we walked to Narnia together. The conversation with Nicole on the way back was really refreshing too – I love hearing stories, so much. God writes stories, and our lives so beautifully, I may run away and try to deny things He has done, but stories?! They touch my heart. Having people to wake up to, be in community with, having the liberty to be myself – also to disappear when I wanted to and be by myself – I am so thankful, to be known, and loved.

The last few days in Chicago hanging out with Shelby made leaving so hard. We watched romcoms the night I came back and ate food. on Saturday, I ran a couple of errands as she went to work, and we met up after to get lunch at PANERA we go to Panera so much lol and to go to the art institute together. We hadn’t had much time individually to go much this semester (besides work where the students go each week) for ourselves, so we thought it’d be a nice end to the semester to check out the shows that we hadn’t seen together. The Robert frank show was amazing - so Shelby, I loved it. I headed to the lake after to sit for a bit before hanging out with her while she finished up some work stuff before heading home together. The next morning, she made pancakes and we made it all fancy with icing sugar and strawberries! And ate before she drove me to the airport. We missed clare though, it was nice to have time to hangout a little.

A week has passed by so quickly, three more weeks before it’s back to the states. Both places have become home – in their own ways. Places do carry sentiment, but ultimately, it’s the people that carry me through the seasons (o lawd so cheesy but it’s true).

I wish you a wonderful rest of the week, I hope you take time to notice the beauty in something mundane tomorrow and everyday.

we stood by the door talking about whether we open presents in front of our friends and family or not. I said I preferred not to because I'm crap at pretending I like something if I don't. Melissa said she usually likes the things she gets so it's okay.

i planned to be in the studio for a good four hours tonight, but I'm in bed.

goodbyes are so hard

i find quiet in

quiet is the hardest to find. it is the most stark in the midst of chaos. 

i find quiet in the silences during a meal with snow, where there isn't a need for words, just a mutual understanding of the present circumstance, a simply being with one another and having this meal together. 

i find quiet in the walk home after TA-ing my last class for the semester - a sense of emptiness at the end of yet another session of classes, yet contentment and relief in the excitement and anticipation of middle schoolers curating their final exhibition.

i find quiet in the morning, when i awake, but it's not time to get up yet. i close my eyes again, fully conscious: the peace before the shitstorm that is the rest of the day.

i find quiet hanging out in the studio with ciel, both drenched from running through the rain, but content with snacks and sheer hard work.

i find quiet in catching up with liv, chatting across states - it felt like we were in the same room again. technology is a weird thing.

i find quiet in packing up after teaching a class - when students leave, and it's just me and their artworks, and a little bit of mess. i breathe. one more class to go.

i find quiet in listening to my roommates have a conversation, while i sit in silence, so very thankful for their presence even in the moments where i am unable to actively participate in a conversation.

i find quiet in riding the train home with 5 of my dear friends who have loved me so well and have been there from the very beginning.

i find quiet watching a dance/performance piece with alexa at the mca on a rainy saturday afternoon.

i find quiet in drives, and coffee hangouts, and meme exchanges with clare and shelby.

i find quiet in conversations with caro, usually, most of the time, at hot woks.

i find quiet in catching up with my sister a little over text, in receiving photos from dad and mum telling me about what they have been up to. 

quiet finds me in the moments i least expect. quiet is always welcomed,

i walked by the lake with a stranger today
watching a whole bunch of other strangers around us
everyone was soaking up whatever bit of sunshine they could
there were:
people playing frisbee
dressed up kids filming a video
old men laying flat on the grass sun tanning
couples taking walks
families fishing

laughter, so much laughter
and chatter
and peace

on the bus home, the tulips lined the streets
it always seems as though they sprung out of nowhere
springtime is here!
when they are actually planted this time of year
every year
they're still pretty though
i watched the sunlight hit them
they were soaking up sunshine too

here's one long sentence that may or may not make sense but encapsulates how i feel right now

my friends insisted on taking me out to dinner for my birthday even though it isn't my birthday anymore and i don't really like doing birthday stuff, but they said it'd be low-key even though i woke up feeling like shit and had a rough morning at work and wasnt liking myself very much it was lovely to just hangout and breathe and be my sassy ass self and laugh and also talk about important societal issues but also laugh at clare trying to be some dude who wears his hoodie showing his ears and talking about summer plans and reminiscing about freshmen year (ew) also daunted by how quickly graduation is coming upon us all the while being so incredibly grateful to have found friends who love so well and get each other so much sentimentality the chicken tonight was v spicy but i ate it all those salted maple waffles were amazing we shouted at shelby across the train platform and she flipped us off but i know she secretly is glad that we make her embarrassed it was a happy birthday

meh/mrp/ugh

feel like it's time to make a list of what i'm thankful for/what makes me glad because i've just been angry or irritable at everything lately (oops sorry ryan ha) and just really tired i guess. maybe it's burnout? i don't know. i've been thinking about how fleeting relationships are - like there are moments where i think i'm going to be friends with someone for a long time, or hope to have them around. and then time passes, and when i turn around, i realise we started taking steps away from each other a while ago, and we both didn't realise it till it's a little too late. maybe life'll have us walk in a circle back to one another - but really, the chances of that happening are very slim. and i just become a lump of sadness for a while, before it passes, and i realise that's just how life is sometimes. people come, and people go. and mum used to tell me that all the time, and still does now. i just pretend i don't hear, and want to hold onto everyone ya know. but i can't. no one likes to be held onto. or obligated to stay. 

anw i'm supposed to write about things im thankful for and not relationships i'm sad about lol:

having the motivation to make 2 drawings, and 3 paintings today and yesterday

waking up today and feeling okay

caro treated me to breakfast for lunch on saturday for my birthday

i got to hang out with sam a little and teaching went relatively well, we all made it through so that's all that matters

sitting with shelby by the lake today, the fog was really really beautiful, it felt like a dream

baking with liah and feeling 5 years younger as i sat on my bed and let her do my makeup (she's actually really good), made me miss my sis a little

parents constantly texting me to ask how i am

ryan letting me always annoy him

liz and me complaining about inertia to get any work done together

my blankets

having lindsey in art ed with me

netflix and spotify lately

ok i'm done i don't know anymore there probably is more 

i should go to bed

i used to be able to write full-length essays in chinese

每当我煮面线都会想到小时候爸爸妈妈上班时，我放学后会在阿妈家等爸妈放工后来接我，想到阿妈煮的鸡蛋猪肉面线。面线好吃是好吃，但味道没怎么特别。对我来说呢，它的特别不在于味道，而是在于它含着童年的回忆。阿妈当时候比现在年轻，健康，活力，我去她家的次数也比现在多。I also feel like as a child, there was less pressure or no pressure at all, in being what you are. like you don't think so much about it. nowadays, i'm so conscious about what i should say to ah mah, how to communicate with her with the limited hokkien i can converse in - conversations usually are just asking her how she is, and she'll say she's fine, and she'll ask if i have eaten, and usually the answer is yes, and she'll ask if i want something to eat or drink. i think about the language barrier at times, and how maybe it is a little more specific to singapore - having the younger generations embraced english a lot more, and maybe chinese, but our grandparent's generation mostly still using dialect, that is slowly phasing out. i think about how maybe communication then, isn't limited to words. i feel like much of how i communicate with ah mah is through touch, or how she communicates with me, or expresses her care and love - in her smile, her holding my hand, her asking me to "take care", asking when the next time I'm back in singapore is, how long i am staying, when i leave again. 

being so far away from home, the way my parents or my sister tell me about things happening in the family, is both distant, yet so close. distant in that everyone's lives (obviously) still carry on the way they do, i'm just missing out; close in that i can imagine myself being there when they tell me about things, as though i had never left: sunday night dinners at grandma's, supper with ice-cream/watching a tv show with my dad/mum/sis, saturday mornings waiting for mum to wake up so she can cook us a hearty breakfast, some weekday evenings going out to eat/shop with the fam, dinner tues and thurs night just with dad and the sis cos mum works those nights, dinner mon wed fri altogether, dad always finding snacks to eat right after dinner.

i turn 22 soon, and mum and dad celebrate their 25th anniversary. 

i thought about what i would tell my children/nieces/nephews about my four years in chicago, i remember working at moe, and finding out rachel did her undergrad at kings in london, and it's just weird because it just feels like a separate entity of your 'actual' life in some sense. like a dream or something. everytime i go home, it's like i'm not sure if i was ever away, and when i'm here, it just feels very separate from home. i feel myself in both places, but different separate versions of myself. i feel like friends from home would find the person i am here foreign, and vice versa for my friends here - i am susceptible to fulfilling the demands of what people expect of me - i feel like i always have been. yet, the concept of self is never really that solid is it? i feel like that's constantly changing, and we just do our best to adopt the most authentic version of self that we know how to/ think is necessary.

(不知道自己在干嘛）

writing about the mundane seems to be a thing

i don't really know why i always feel the need to have to put thoughts out. when it just exists in my journal, it somehow doesn't feel enough. it may be? i don't know. but maybe it's just an artist thing.. like the need for my art to be in the world, or to exist beyond my bedroom, or my apartment. greg was talking about his music the same way - like there's just something about having it out in the world - beyond yourself, that seems important. somehow. i wonder if i have learnt to question it less - i don't think so since i'm still writing about it. but i feel like i used to think it, and prevent myself from putting stuff out/up because i don't understand it. but maybe, i accept it a little better now - that urge/impulse/instinct.

alexa and i did handstands/cartwheels/somersaults and rolled down the hill today at the park. i felt like i haven't felt the freedom to run around, and jump and feel the freedom of simply being in a while. we sat atop of the hill - a pretty sad hill, with concrete and weirdly placed rocks, and an odd piece of art work that is missing several components, and watched as cars and trucks drove past on the high way. the sun was really shining. i lay on the grass, letting my skin take in all that it'd been deprived of the past few months. the lack of sun probably does contribute to why i feel sad all the time, along with other factors. but in that moment, i wasn't sad. it was really nice to share this park i've held so dear to my heart with someone else. alexa seemed to appreciate the sad beauty of it the way i do, and it made me smile. we stood by the quarry pond thing for a sec, there were two geese, and maybe 5-6 ducks. they weren't showing off their somersaults today though, they kind of just hung out in a corner. the water was kinda cold. 

had a much needed discussion at greg's place yesterday with courtney and anca. i don't think i am in a coherent enough state to type about it right now, but it just put into words a lot of struggles and frustrations that i thought i was alone in, and was somewhat of a reaffirming nudge that i was exploring my faith and my art well, and to keep doing it, maybe with a little more company. i made a painting out of blackberries on my paper plate.

i kept trying to think what i did on friday, but realised i spent practically the whole day at home, writing an application for submitting some work for a show, that probably has minimal probability of actually getting chosen. applications frustrate me, because most of the time, they feel like a waste of time. but it's just doing it again and again until something happens right? i don't know. i remember sam telling us about having a folder where she keeps all her 'failures'. when you look back, they probably carry a more positive significance than it feels in the moment. maybe not. i'll let you know when i feel more successful. tricia texted me to ask if she could come over, and if i could help alter her dress before we headed for the bfa opening. i don't think i did a very good job. it was decent. but definitely not the best. i think i did her makeup a little better than i did the dress though. and people look at your face more right? it was surreal, for me - going to see her show. she must have felt it harder/everyday i know she's thinking about graduation. i don't think it was so much the show itself, than what it represents - some sort of a time-marker or a recognition that you have come this far in school, and got through classes, and made work, and friends, and know yourself at least a little better and have grown. i think about when me and tri first skyped to talk about living arrangements, i remember where exactly i was having that conversation. i'm going to start crying (good luck holding it in tricia if you're reading this), and living together, and eating red velvet cake together. we always bought two because it was 2 for $5. whenever one of us was sad, the other would buy it. it made your poop red - there was that much colouring. walgreens. i think i'm going to leave the rest for writing an actual card for her which i really need to do. but tri, i am so proud of you, and you should also be so very proud of yourself. i love you very much.

also!!! sarah and mychaela visited/are visiting. i got to see both of them on friday and that made my heart so full.

(photo by jo)

i want to write poems again. but right now, writing about the mundane seems to be a thing. i mean, i have been making work about the everyday for a while now. maybe i'll get poetic again eventually. 

the thing i am most proud of myself right now: you know that moment when you finish eating, and you have a choice whether to quickly slip the dish/pot into the sink and pretend it doesn't exist, or to actually stay and wash it, i am proud of myself for that tiny bit of willpower to push me over the middle to actually wash my dishes. it's not a big deal. but it is though.

(feeling too much)

burning eyeballs

i think being in art school has allowed me to be myself and discover myself more than any other place has. hope and i were having a conversation the other night talking about whether us and our friends would be happier in a 'normal' college or not. hope and i agreed that we wont. i think the me from a year ago wouldnt have said that. i was afraid, i didnt know how to exist, what to be, how to act. i'm really good at conforming to the expectations of others, or the expectations of a certain setting. it was easy to get by in school at mg and ac and church, i feel like i knew how to be who people expected and wanted me to be. but at saic, there's no 'right' or 'expected' way to be. every individual is so different, and the freedom and liberty to be just that is so daunting initially, but now, i am ever so thankful. when you're not constantly trying not to disappoint others, or prove anything to anyone, whether it's consciously or subconsciously, the self becomes so much clearer - like when winds blow and the fog clears a little. it's weird cos i go home sometimes, and people give me weird looks or i feel judgment burning from their eyeballs like i've lost myself or something but i've never felt more myself.

what to do when your taco falls apart

clare and i got out of class early today. it was weird, we didn't know what to do with our free time. the concept of free time was bizarre. haha. i think that is a little worrying. we decided to go to this taco place in south loop. the sun was out today. it was cold, but the sun was out. we ordered and sat down. i watched the way light fell on the people sitting by the window. i hadn't hung out with clare like not in class, and just the two of us, in a while. i thought about freshmen year, and how we used to do everything together. we walked past this burger place where we once had a meal and both passed out for a couple of hours after. clare says she thinks they drugged the burger or something. the burger was amazing though. clare also recalled the time where we went to this really fancy weird yarn place where we could hardly afford anything. the two people who sat at the taco place, weren't the same two people sitting on clare's dorm room floor eating blueberry bagels. i mean we are the same people, but we are also not you know? i feel like we've grown into ourselves a little more.

compassion show opened today, curated by my roommate ryan and his whole team, and i have a piece in it. it's my first time showing work, and before tonight it didn't seem like a  big deal? like it just seemed like installing for a crit. but when i went to the opening tonight and had people say they really liked the piece, and seeing how they responded and related to the work, my heart melted a little. like it just reminded me that it is important for me to make. like it just makes sense. and it just makes the world a little less lonely. i sat with tricia and julia on the floor, and tricia started crying because the feeling of graduating is daunting and also, just the idea of leaving all of this too. it makes my heart ache. as i am writing this too, i hear ryan and his friends hanging out in our living room talking about things that matter, and just having good conversations (i like being in this weird position of feeling like i'm part of the conversation but without having to be physically present cos right now i honestly don't have the capacity to be that present anywhere). i think about the lives we have built up for ourselves here, and i hate thinking about having to leave. i know there's the internet but it won't be the same ya know? but in any case, time moves on, and things continue to happen. i guess it's simply breathing and being grateful for all the things that have been and looking forward to other things that will be good too. different but good. 

i think about familiarity, and our bodies getting accustomed to the spaces that we occupy - the friends we make, the places we eat at, where we live - this is kinda weird but i just get the image of an awkward slime blob, that slowly relaxes and blobs around. and just when it starts to get comfortable, the whole scene just crumbles under it, and it falls into a different environment, where it is initially awkward and sad and kinda anxious, but it gradually finds its place again. 

writings from close to a year ago

found these journal entries i wrote on a yellow notepad during the roadtrip we took over the summer - the most exciting trip i've ever done with people i love very much. but idk i think they belong somewhere in the world that other eyes can see:

day 9/18

joseph, ryan & junyu are in the room laughing. tricia is making and eating instant noodles with hope. im just sitting here. im definitely pms-ing. i think i take chances to be sad. perhaps all of us revel in sadness? like art school kids. like i say it's a place for all the weirdos, i'm definitely one of them. one that thinks too much.

ryan just asked what i am doing. joseph said ting is recharging. and i don't know. it makes me touched that he knows how i function.

undated

we sat in the car & listened to firewood by regina spektor today after driving back from UCLA. it was just this moment we shared, together, but quiet, but at peace and it was surreal. one of those moments when everything seems to have stopped just for us. like when rachel & me sat in her car under the stars. i'm not remembering other moments at the moment. like when me & hope sat at el matador watching the waves. like sitting on the sand dunes watching the sunset at warren dunes.

resolving conflict

ryan - rough picture

jo - other details

ting - nitty gritty emotions

jun - universal picture

tricia - cry

jun "ya, you got the plan and everything but you forgot tricia and tingyan have to climb the rock, then ryan have to stand on the mountain for a while."

ry "we did that yesterday tho"

jun "but were people happy? no"

LOL i died.

moments

zion

smoking with tricia outside the accomodation (i don't smoke anymore)

antelope

on the beach 

cooking pasta for everyone, dinner, breakfast

grand canyon

sitting over looking the canyon

walking with tricia

jenga at tonyan cafe

yosemite

sitting with jo and tricia by the fireplace

climbing rocks with tricia

peeing lol

lying on the rocks with tricia by the stream

la

gallery hopping with hope and ryan

sitting with hope on the beach

gallery hopping with jun, hope

dinner with jon

beach by myself

eating ice-cream with tricia

tickling hope

undated

you're never going to be able to please everyone. i feel is one of the hardest things to hear and truly internalize. and i feel like we'll never truly understand it. we were made to like please? or desire affirmation. the desire to be enough. was the fall inevitable? God knew though? i'm having a hard time processing because i feel like i grew up with knowledge of the bible but now i don't know how to process the world without it but then if it's the truth there's no way to process the world without it.

constantly being in between. education and art, america and singapore, devout christian and art school rebel, confident independent individual and insecure wreck, logically put together and emotional mess.

how do you not compare or feel like you're good enough. there's no way to compare but we still do anyway - like the trajectory of our lives.

i've come to appreciate just spending time with people. not having to have deep conversations or what i considered ' deep'. yet those are great if they come up. but just sitting and knowing what is important to someone, what someone gives their thoughts to.

lis

i saw lis in the window of 306 and popped in. it was good to see her - it's always good to see her. she gave me a hug. she had on a dust mask, i asked her what she was doing she said she was making pastels. i said her painting looks so good. she asked how i was and i told her i haven't had much time to make art lately, and art ed has been kinda crazy. she said set some time aside to come in to draw. i'm trying to, i came in to throw yesterday. good, she said. i'm going to head off. i'm smiling but you can't see. she pulls off her dust mask and smiles. i laugh.

liz took a video of me and ryan laughing at the video of liz laughing.

i came out of my room and sat on the couch. ryan and liz were at the dining table, both writing a paper for the same class. i took the same class the semester before. they were talking or taking a break or something. i continued doing my readings. at some point, ryan said he had to show me a video. it was a video of liz laughing at something she was watching on her laptop. it was a good solid 3 minutes of her initially just quietly sniggering, to giggling full on laughing, then passing out on the table trying to stop laughing, then laughing again. liz took a video of me and ryan laughing at the video of liz laughing. i hadn't laughed till my stomach ached in a while. 

jo and me go to church together on sundays. yesterday, both of us were very late. service started at 10, i think i left my house at 10.10. after service, we usually go and get lunch. the place we frequent is called usagiya, the old man who runs the shop recognizes us. whenever we walk in he's like "the window?" as in yall wanna sit by the window, and he'll bring jo hot water. we left church and were deciding where to go when jo was like "wait, it's not usagiya anymore!" my heart sank a little. in place of the rustic brown sign, was a bright red one that i think somewhere had 'sushi' on it. i said we should go ask what happened to usagiya. we were greeted with very friendly hellos as we walked in. we found out that mr old man had retired, he's still the landlord, but the restaurant has been taken over by them. it was a similar cuisine, of thai and japanese, but the menu was different, we decided to have lunch there anyway. it was familiar, yet very different. like someone moved a vase that had not been moved for a long time, and something is off but it's not that big of a deal seemingly, but it really is.

a list of things that excite me

20 feb: im hella stressed out.

21 feb: i just stretched out this window with blogspot to cover all the other open tabs of readings/research i need to get done so i can write somewhat in peace

i typed in notes today to write about things that excite me. 

i think the things have been churning about in my mind lately have just been anxious thought after anxious thought, and being preoccupied with how to manage stress and anxiety and emptiness. and it's so exhausting and draining i fall asleep feeling like i had not completed the day well, and wake up feeling like half the day has already gone by. it will get better though, i'm workin on it.

but anyway, back to being excited about things. there's this show that i wanted to see since... saturday the 11th of february, cos erin washington and em kettner are in it, and kayla risko too whom i see when we both go to the youth programs closet to grab supplies for class. and i've seen photos of the show and kayla said it's great. i love going to see art. it just excites me to see what someone else has created/put their heart into ya know. i left my place at 4ish, still flooded with anxiety from the day. i got on the train, and passed the time reading lydia davis' collection of short stories. i think it may be my favourite book. i laughed a lot to myself. she just has a way of writing about the mundane that brings it to life - and also capturing it just as it is too? 

as i walked to the gallery, i felt excited. and i hadn't felt that kind of excitement in a while. it was nice. 

so that's the explanation of the thought. (the show's amazing in case you were wondering you should check it out it's only up until this weekend i think - on the bank of what river? roman susan gallery)

a list of things that excite me

1. car rides with shelby and clare
2. car rides in general
3. oranges, when i really felt like eating oranges and ryan asked if anyone needed anything from the grocery store, i told him i needed oranges
4. going to the lake
5. getting a text from a friend i haven't heard from in a while
6. getting a call from a friend
7. getting a letter in the mail that isn't from the bank or spam 
8. getting a sincere email
9. cute socks
10. hot tea
11. having a good discussion about a reading
12. having a good conversation
13. having a mundane conversation that on hindsight was not so mundane
14. sewing
15. cooking (when i feel like it)
16. reading a good phrase/ sentence/ paragraph/ book
17. mornings when i wake up feeling okay
18. the feeling of completing a reading
19. being warm and cosy under the blankets
20. wearing flip flops out
21. not wearing a coat
22. having huge pockets
23. running into a friend on the street
24. olivia being excited to show me the drawing courtney&mark framed
25. watching brooke enjoy her ice-cream
26. having time and space for myself
27. being around people i love
28. summer plans
29. microwaveable pop-corn

but i'm just so glad it was even published.

it's valentines day - i texted julia with frustration like two days back and we both agreed that our parents would probably give up their couple time so we wouldnt be alone watching rom coms and eating ice-cream. i did buy a tub of red bean ice-cream today though. haha.

i just finished writing a paper that i feel pretty good about. art education has been a little bit of a struggle just in terms of constantly being overwhelmed by the amount of observations to get done, readings, papers to write - also just not having had such academic rigour the past two and a half years. the girls in the programme with me are sweet though, we all seem to function similarly - like freak out and feel like death. but enjoying it still. like for our curriculum class, we basically test out what k-12 kids would do, and we would still be as engaged as though it were our own practice. i suppose teaching would be eventually part of our practice. i feel like it has started to seep into mine already - the kind of (i dont know if the word is joy but it's close to it, just that there are some moments where you're like kid are you seriously saying/doing what you're saying/doing right now, but then they're just being themselves, which i think is really beautiful, and as we grow older we forget how to do that ya know) for lack of a better word joy, or perhaps it's just the sense of knowing pretty deeply it's what i want to be doing in the moments that i interact with students, i am really thankful for. i guess i'm typing in here such that when i get all jaded and overwhelmed, i can read back and be like okay maybe everything is okay ya know?

shelby needed to take some photos for this project she's doing, and we drove to chain-o-lakes state park yesterday. it was pretty epic. we got pulled over by a state park ranger for driving too fast. it was such a strange situation? like it seemed like a joke but it was all real, and he couldve fined us. he took both shelby and my license (even though i wasn't driving but i guess they just do that to check identity). shelby and me just kept laughing nervously, and the whole thing was so bizarre. the rest of the day couldnt beat that initial 'excitement'. a lot of the park was closed, i think hunting season just ended, plus it's still kind of winter-y. but we came across this beautiful lake. it was like one of those scenes you see in a postcard. wooden stairs that led down to the bank. the water was half frozen and half flowing, it was so incredibly surreal. there was this dude sitting with his feet in the water. 

"isn't the water getting into your boots"

"nah, i paid $150 water better not get in"

his name is jason. he just got his boots in the mail and thought he'd come break them in. he brought us to the boat launch area, which was also really pretty. the ice there was solid, i walked on it for a little bit. 

we didn't spend too long at the park though, it was just nice to get out of the city, and drive and hangout and catchup a little. also honoured to have been present when shelby got pulled over for the first time.

after my art ed meeting today, ryan texted to say that liz and him were heading to chinatown and asked if i needed anything. i said i'd meet them there. it's so much better getting groceries with friends. i love love love cooking, but buying the stuff to cook is such a hassle. they dragged my pink and black suitcase along to transport the 25 pound bag of rice back. ryan cooked a full meal of chicken rice for us when we got back. it was lovely. we somehow ended talking about our friendship and the different weird stages that we'd been through, and now we're roommates. i completely forgot this one time that i was just pretty distant to him, and nonchalant. and we had to talk it out in the cafeteria at the art institute. it's bad how i only remember when i am a good friend, but it's like my brain forgets these moments that i wasn't that great of a person. why some people still stick by me i don't know, but i am thankful always.

at a talk by a calligraphy artist last night, he said something that you'd hardly hear in the art world. he was showing us these beautiful hand-drawn calligraphy pieces, and he had produced a few books of his work. we asked if there's anywhere we could buy them. he replied that they were out of print, and said, 

"it's hard to have your work be out of print, but i'm just so glad it was even published."

it made me think about how it's come to the point where i am starting to get proud of what i am making, and at times even feel indignant about not getting chosen for things. that line of his was sobering. 

spring semester always reminds me not to take good days for granted.