hole in the ground

i've been making maps of my thoughts. linear paragraphs just don't seem to work lately. 

i woke up to a text from shelby "are you awake"

i am now. i replied. it's been comforting having one of my best friends be 10 minutes away. it's been three years, i look back on the three years, and it is kinda crazy how much i've changed - grown, regressed in some areas maybe, just learnt how to exist more independently in this world. holding the keys to my own apartment always feels a little surreal. like it's "my place", unless you move out in singapore, youll never be able to say that.

i remember when i was like 8, i made a sign for the door to me and my sister's room, i think i almost asked my parents for the keys to the room, maybe i did, just to demarcate a space that was "mine". i know that to my parents that room is mine but there was something in actual possession, that was enticing. isn't that a human thing though, or an animalistic thing - to want, to desire, to chase, to finally have. then when we have, don't we always want more? hm. there are so many things that aren't ours to have - it could be ours to borrow, or hold for a while, but sometimes it's just not ours to have. it kinda sucks. but also, it would be boring if we could have everything we desired. that seems too much.

ugh i wanna curl up into a ball and roll into a hole in the ground.

demogorgon come get me.