clare and i got out of class early today. it was weird, we didn't know what to do with our free time. the concept of free time was bizarre. haha. i think that is a little worrying. we decided to go to this taco place in south loop. the sun was out today. it was cold, but the sun was out. we ordered and sat down. i watched the way light fell on the people sitting by the window. i hadn't hung out with clare like not in class, and just the two of us, in a while. i thought about freshmen year, and how we used to do everything together. we walked past this burger place where we once had a meal and both passed out for a couple of hours after. clare says she thinks they drugged the burger or something. the burger was amazing though. clare also recalled the time where we went to this really fancy weird yarn place where we could hardly afford anything. the two people who sat at the taco place, weren't the same two people sitting on clare's dorm room floor eating blueberry bagels. i mean we are the same people, but we are also not you know? i feel like we've grown into ourselves a little more.
compassion show opened today, curated by my roommate ryan and his whole team, and i have a piece in it. it's my first time showing work, and before tonight it didn't seem like a big deal? like it just seemed like installing for a crit. but when i went to the opening tonight and had people say they really liked the piece, and seeing how they responded and related to the work, my heart melted a little. like it just reminded me that it is important for me to make. like it just makes sense. and it just makes the world a little less lonely. i sat with tricia and julia on the floor, and tricia started crying because the feeling of graduating is daunting and also, just the idea of leaving all of this too. it makes my heart ache. as i am writing this too, i hear ryan and his friends hanging out in our living room talking about things that matter, and just having good conversations (i like being in this weird position of feeling like i'm part of the conversation but without having to be physically present cos right now i honestly don't have the capacity to be that present anywhere). i think about the lives we have built up for ourselves here, and i hate thinking about having to leave. i know there's the internet but it won't be the same ya know? but in any case, time moves on, and things continue to happen. i guess it's simply breathing and being grateful for all the things that have been and looking forward to other things that will be good too. different but good.
i think about familiarity, and our bodies getting accustomed to the spaces that we occupy - the friends we make, the places we eat at, where we live - this is kinda weird but i just get the image of an awkward slime blob, that slowly relaxes and blobs around. and just when it starts to get comfortable, the whole scene just crumbles under it, and it falls into a different environment, where it is initially awkward and sad and kinda anxious, but it gradually finds its place again.
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