found these journal entries i wrote on a yellow notepad during the roadtrip we took over the summer - the most exciting trip i've ever done with people i love very much. but idk i think they belong somewhere in the world that other eyes can see:
day 9/18
joseph, ryan & junyu are in the room laughing. tricia is making and eating instant noodles with hope. im just sitting here. im definitely pms-ing. i think i take chances to be sad. perhaps all of us revel in sadness? like art school kids. like i say it's a place for all the weirdos, i'm definitely one of them. one that thinks too much.
ryan just asked what i am doing. joseph said ting is recharging. and i don't know. it makes me touched that he knows how i function.
undated
we sat in the car & listened to firewood by regina spektor today after driving back from UCLA. it was just this moment we shared, together, but quiet, but at peace and it was surreal. one of those moments when everything seems to have stopped just for us. like when rachel & me sat in her car under the stars. i'm not remembering other moments at the moment. like when me & hope sat at el matador watching the waves. like sitting on the sand dunes watching the sunset at warren dunes.
resolving conflict
ryan - rough picture
jo - other details
ting - nitty gritty emotions
jun - universal picture
tricia - cry
jun "ya, you got the plan and everything but you forgot tricia and tingyan have to climb the rock, then ryan have to stand on the mountain for a while."
ry "we did that yesterday tho"
jun "but were people happy? no"
LOL i died.
moments
zion
smoking with tricia outside the accomodation (i don't smoke anymore)
antelope
on the beach
cooking pasta for everyone, dinner, breakfast
grand canyon
sitting over looking the canyon
walking with tricia
jenga at tonyan cafe
yosemite
sitting with jo and tricia by the fireplace
climbing rocks with tricia
peeing lol
lying on the rocks with tricia by the stream
la
gallery hopping with hope and ryan
sitting with hope on the beach
gallery hopping with jun, hope
dinner with jon
beach by myself
eating ice-cream with tricia
tickling hope
undated
you're never going to be able to please everyone. i feel is one of the hardest things to hear and truly internalize. and i feel like we'll never truly understand it. we were made to like please? or desire affirmation. the desire to be enough. was the fall inevitable? God knew though? i'm having a hard time processing because i feel like i grew up with knowledge of the bible but now i don't know how to process the world without it but then if it's the truth there's no way to process the world without it.
constantly being in between. education and art, america and singapore, devout christian and art school rebel, confident independent individual and insecure wreck, logically put together and emotional mess.
how do you not compare or feel like you're good enough. there's no way to compare but we still do anyway - like the trajectory of our lives.
i've come to appreciate just spending time with people. not having to have deep conversations or what i considered ' deep'. yet those are great if they come up. but just sitting and knowing what is important to someone, what someone gives their thoughts to.
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