i bumped into cheryl at the bus stop today. she came and sat by me and gave me a hug. it was so good to see her. she felt like home somehow. the last time we hung out regularly together was during ac cell - i feel like one of the periods where i felt most myself, and that feeling of familiarity came back to me. we were taking the same bus back and i was so glad to have time to catch up and be silly and filterless and just talk. i feel like it has taken me such a long time to know how to engage in conversations genuinely. i think growing up i always feel like i had to have everything resolved before i talked about things. i dont know where i got the impression that talking to others should be about sharing conclusions, and having answers, and resolutions. it was difficult to talk about things i still had questions about or were unresolved. i think one part of it was because i didnt want to put the other person in a position of feeling like they needed to help me solve my problems, or say feel pressured to make me feel better. which often, i think i feel the need to. i've always been one to need to fix things, or to provide answers, or to comfort, or feel like just in some way my interaction with someone else has made a difference. but idk. i feel like it's taken me a while (as in more than two decades) to learn that presence is so valuable. being there, being present, listening. like that is often simple and enough. and when it's not enough, it's okay. we aren't meant to or expected to be solutions to others, i think we all struggle together don't we? sometimes we talk through things to reach new revelations, sometimes we just all get more confused, sometimes we just need to get things out, sometimes it's just sitting in silence.
hm. hello june.
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