mrpppp feelings about the internet while i use the internet jeez.

i just attempted to delete a bunch of crap from my facebook, also off my instagram. there's so much digital history it is insane. it is weird how scrolling through my timeline on facebook helps me remember things. like that just seems disturbing, how something as clinical and large and soulless as technology/the internet results in intense and poignant nostalgia - the reminders of people who have been important at some point in your life, but now are no longer friends, or people who used to be strangers are now your closest friends. that juxtaposition trips me up. i didnt really know what to do with my feelings, so i just sent shelby a bunch of screenshots, and vomited memories as text messages - stories of the boys i used to like, the ones i almost dated.. i laughed, but there was some sort of aching or longing for the past - not in a way that i want to relive them, but a realisation that those moments have happened and are over, and how many of them add up to how i am today. i recall the awkward encounters with new people, or being in new environments and think about how differently or more confidently i would respond now. but i also think about how in 20 years, i will look back to my present self and think similar thoughts.

i always wonder why my generation/people more and more feel the need to post things online, as if not posting it means it didnt actually happened. it's the affirmation is it not? from others, from strangers, putting it out there in the universe - like hi i'm here and i think i matter? tell me i matter. aren't i doing it now? how meta.