a friend, a rash and a miniature Japanese porta-potty

Woke up at 6.45 to brush my teeth and pack Mason’s milk and bag for school. He had been home with me for a week because he was down with a stomach bug. He had finally recovered and I was looking forward to sending him to school so I could regain some sanity and some time to work. After changing him and loading everything into the car, we finally made it out of the house.

We reached school and I dropped him off. I drove off to meet Liane - we had scheduled to meet about a month ago. Within 10 minutes of leaving, I received a message from Mason’s teacher asking me to pick him up. Thankfully, Bryan was home and said he could do the pick-up and that I should just go ahead with my plans. I felt guilt - that I was going to go and do something enjoyable while Bryan picked up my still-sick son; frustration that I thought he had already recovered sufficiently to be able to go to school; and resignation that it was what it was. I was concurrently thankful that I could go about my original plans, yet felt like I didn’t deserve to enjoy myself.

I am slowly learning to just be present wherever I am. It’s definitely been harder with a kid, even more so when being away from him means someone else is doing the caregiving. Then again, whoever I decide to spend my time with deserves my full attention too, and when I am with my kid, similarly, he deserves my presence. It doesn’t make much sense to be in one place while your mind is somewhere else.

I had a very good catch-up with Liane. Two years ago, we saw each other almost every day and were perpetually caught up in the sordid details of each other’s lives. We shared work joys and miseries, sneaked off for much-needed breaks from staring at our laptops, and exchanged knowing glances at relevant junctures. I found myself recounting recent events as though we hadn’t been apart and laughed when we realised we actually had to fill each other in on the time that had passed. Amidst all that, Bryan reminded me to just enjoy my day out.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur - nap time, feeds, changes - the usual. I counted the number of days Mason had been at infant care, as opposed to the days at home. It’s supposed to get better - or so they say.

I checked his diaper and his rash was back with a vengeance. I felt guilt and self-reproach - could I have done more? The ups and downs of him getting better, then worse again, then better, then worse have truly been such a roller coaster, mentally and emotionally. But I am aware that this is only the beginning of parenthood. I need to learn to have more grace and forgiveness for myself - there are many more years ahead.

After we put Mason down, Bryan reminded me that I had a toy from our recent Japan trip that I had yet to put together. The next 15 minutes were a welcome distraction as I assembled these tiny plastic pieces of a miniature porta-potty, complete with little decals of Japanese signage for within and outside of the cubicle. I told him I was excited to display it in our future apartment bathroom.

Mason was still unwell, I was still worried, and the rash was still there. But I also got to spend time with a friend, was more than well-supported and loved by my husband, and ended the day building a miniature Japanese porta-potty. 

3am thoughts on motherhood

 “Congratulations! Your baby has ‘slept through the night’ for the first time!” - a notification pops up on my app. The ironic thing is I have been awake counting down the minutes left for this to happen again the second night, to determine that his “sleeping through the night” is not a fluke. Each time he stirs, my eyes dart to his cot - holding my breath as his legs thump in his sleep sack on his mattress. I gently lean over to adjust his body to ensure his legs do not get caught in between the wooden bars. He screams for just a moment! I wait - is it an “I’m awake” cry or an in his sleep momentary noise cry? I both google and reddit if “leg thumping is normal”. There are endless acronyms across the various reddit threads – LO, EBF, EP, EFF, BM, BF, FTM, SAHM, STTN - the list goes on. I scroll through photos from the day, wondering how I can miss my baby while he is asleep next to me, I worry about infant care, my upcoming return to work, if I am overly troubling my parents, sister, in-laws, if I am doing enough to support Bryan.

I regret the coffee I had at 3.18pm earlier in the afternoon.

Six hours pass - he has “slept through the night” again. I should be able to go to sleep now, but he’s likely going to wake for a feed soon - I stay awake. Another 15 minutes pass, 30 minutes – for every minute that passes I think about how I should have slept instead but sunk cost fallacy. The longer I am up, the less sense it makes to go back to sleep. Yet, I now worry about whether I would be sufficiently alert “the next morning”, though technically it is already morning and the previous day has blended into the next.

I feel my breasts filling up with milk and consider whether to pump - but pumping will increase my already over-enthusiastic milk supply, yet not pumping leaves me in great discomfort. But I am supposed to be thankful - because more milk is better than less milk or no milk? But then again, fed is best still and I should do what I need to for my mental health? I have been latching him as much as possible lately, but what about having to wean eventually? I should be so thankful that baby can even latch! I should still give him the bottle here and there though, so he doesn’t refuse the bottle later, and when in-laws or parents take care of him they can feed him too? But what about my breasts and my comfort? Whose needs do I prioritise?

 I scroll through Instagram. I see other moms’ stories and can’t help but compare. The algorithm feeds me advice, stories, parodies of all things baby related. I save the useful reels that I will likely never revisit, send relatable reels to fellow boy mom friends, send useful ones to Bryan.

A few of my friends in Chicago have also given birth recently- I think about whether our children would ever get to meet in the future. Definitely not the near future though - I can barely get through the 24-hour plane journey, what more with a kid. Instead, we check-in on each other and exchange poop and puke stories, and celebrate each other’s small wins.

Bryan turns to face me half asleep and puts his arm around me - “Let me know if you need me, thank you for today”. Our relationship has a new dynamic, and I’ve seen another side of him as my son’s father - how he prioritises us and loves us and couldn’t be more grateful. Yet, there’s the concurrent missing of the life we used to have - just the two of us, the not needing to depend on parents/ in-laws when we wanted some time to ourselves, not needing to consider a whole bunch of logistics just to grab a coffee in the afternoon. Each of us are tired in our own ways and carry the load of this new family in different capacities - we remind ourselves to communicate frequently, to appreciate each other, that labour may not always be visible or equal. We remind ourselves that it is normal to grieve the life we used to have too, while concurrently being grateful for the life we have now. I remember that he’s facing other stresses at work, parent guilt of not being able to spend sufficient time with us, having to balance work with alleviating my parental duties when he’s home despite his exhaustion. He remembers that while I am on “leave”, baby is constantly needing my attention, I juggle the mental gymnastics of breastfeeding, caregiving logistics, while trying not to lose my sanity and self amidst the mothering. We say thank you and i appreciate you and do our best not to take even the little things for granted.

I lie awake wondering how my newborn is already almost 3 months and where all that time has gone. I think about how little decisions I make will impact his life in big ways. I try to be less hard on myself and try to celebrate all the little wins, all the moments and people I am grateful for. I lie awake, waiting for baby to wake - though moments ago I was hoping he would stay asleep.

He cries.

I wait.

It doesn’t stop.

It’s time for his next feed.

Feeling an incredible sense of nostalgia - but I always am somehow in a state of longing - to be somewhere, sometime, someone else. Is it a trait of our generation? Then again, it seems to be all around lately - with fashion going back to the 90s/2000s, phone accessories, selfies… had lunch with some ex-colleagues today and they were surprised that I was older than they thought I was. Being in my late 20s isn’t what I thought it’d feel like. I think I expected to have my life “more together” and to feel more “adult” to handle the responsibilities that have added up. 

• I still have the bad habit of pulling my hair.
• I still feel anxious on Sunday nights before work.
• I still feel comforted when I come home and my parents are around.
• I still call my dad to pick me up when I’m feeling really exhausted.
• I still do not buy my own toothpaste and toilet paper (mom does it for the whole household).
• There are still so many stills.

But I look back too, and realise while it doesn’t feel like it, I have grown in many ways. Various aspects of work feel a little easier (though more keeps getting piled on). I am more comfortable facing my classes even on days when I don’t feel like going to work. I have accepted that I cannot do everything at 100% all the time. I have learnt that rest is crucial. I give less time of day to things that don’t deserve my energy or mental space. I try to celebrate little wins, even when the voices in my head try to convince me it’s not enough. I care less about what people who don’t really matter say to me (though less is still more than I should). I try to be as present as I can. I am a lot more sure of myself than I used to be. 

I think the older we grow too, the curve of growth gets gentler - it is harder for us to learn and unlearn and relearn things. We get stuck in our ways. We are more resistance to change. We hold onto familiarity, how things “should be / have always been” done. We think we know better. But so long as we stay conscious to be open to growth, to acknowledging that we do not know everything, that there are always things to learn, then we will continue to grow. And to keep growing is crucial.

Maybe it is okay for life to feel a little mundane some days. For some days to be horrible and exhausting and busy. For some to be restful, and joyful and filled with moments that make our hearts feel full. And for the others to feel like nothing at all.

Been doing ceramics lately - I don’t particularly love it, but I just feel a need to at least know how to do it well. Sometimes, you just have to place your hands at a certain position and hold them there - nothing more. Maybe that’s what this phase of life feels like - that it is okay to feel stuck, and that maybe feeling stuck for this period of time and sticking through with the various tasks, routines, hard and boring things, is what will help to get me to the next step. 

us june 2022

Visiting the US was very bittersweet. Hanging out with all my friends again was very surreal. it felt like each of us had moved on with our own lives, but all at the same time, like nothing had really changed at all. Hanging out with Shelby and Clare in Shelby and Finley's apartment reminded me of all the nights in Shelby and Clare's dorm room @ jones or their apartment in lakeview. we were still us. the friendship we have is something special - there's been so much history, moments where i wasn't sure if we were going to make it through but here we all still are (for better or worse lol).

clare flew with me to chicago and back to new york - & even though we did not have a sit-down, planned/scheduled one-on-one, the conversations before we fell asleep on the air mattress, waiting to board our flights, in the cab to and from the airport were more than enough. It's kind of how our friendship has always been - there in the in-between moments, our art too funnily enough.

i heard shelby getting ready to take brigg's for a walk the first full day we were in chicago and i sprung up quickly to brush my teeth so i could join them. it was a cold morning. we walked and talked about nothing in particular but it felt like any other morning as if i hadnt left. i recall meetups at coffee shops to work (or "work"), walking home together, being each other's main companion when clare was away. i'd always remember how she drove me to the beach on the way to the airport when i made the sudden trip home when my grandma passed away. sometimes it's not the words exchanged, but a friend's presence and them knowing exactly what you need in that moment.

one of the nights, there was a tornado warning. we didn't really know how serious it was but with all adversity, the four of us made wry jokes to ease the tension while we monitored the situation outside. at some point, someone suggested that it was probably the time to head down to the basement as the winds were picking up. we sat on blankets in the dark. briggs walked around curiously but warily (he's always on edge). finley or shelby or their neighbour i can't remember now, joked about how chicago wanted to give me and clare a spectacular welcome. there wasn't a tornado in the end.

while attempting to navigate the tornado warning, jen and i were trying to coordinate dinner. we were meant to meet at 7 but the warning lasted till around 7.30pm. ti was kinda crazy how things were looking pretty serious at one moment, and the next, the sun was out again as though we weren't hiding in the basement a half hour ago.

jen and i saw each other from a distance and ran - very dramatically romcom style - to give each other a hug. it was all the more dramatic post-tornado warning and everything was still wet from the storm. there was barely enough time to catch up about the 4 years in between. we laughed so hard, recalled memories, exchanged major life updates and promised that we'd really have to play clue again the next time we met. the trash talking awaits still.

sitting by the beach with alexa made my heart so full and so warm (literally because it was one of those 90-95 deg days). we have such a special friendship it is difficult to describe in words. we became friends when i responded to her spontaneous facebook post asking if anyone wanted to hangout one afternoon. we had only met briefly prior in a more formal/official setting. little did i expect to watch her attempt to do a headstand on a hill in palmisano park that afternoon. we took off our sandals and let the cold water lap at our feet. she brought me up to speed with her life updates over coffee and sunshine. she just moved into a neighbourhood she's always wanted to live in and seemed very satisfied and happy with where she was in life which made me feel really happy for her. i was shades tanner by the end of it, but my spirit so light and heart so full.

"It's like you never left," Caroline announced as she showed me around her and Tieg's new place in bridgeport. it was such a lovely home - with studio space for her to work, being close to her job and her friends. she seemed to almost float around the space and there was such content in how she spoke about her life. we talked about art, politics, money and a lot of other topics in between. she truly seemed happy and content to make work because she wanted to, and read and learn. there was a thirst for more knowledge, skills and more of life but not to a point of striving, which is such a hard balance to navigate. we were in a painting class together at ox-bow with clare a couple years ago. i asked if she remembered it and her thoughts about it. she said she thinks about that class a lot so it must have been good in some way or another.

i walked to a pho shop we used to frequent with great pho and smoothies. abe greeted me excitedly with a hug. i almost couldn't recognise him but his joy was infectious. "tell me everything ting. everything." i laughed. he said he knew our paths would cross again because he never got to say bye properly when i left chicago for good. we talked a lot about guarding our energy and also the kind of work we want to make vs what we thought we were expected to make. how we each relate to art/making and our own practices have changed and should change over time. it was enlightening to hear and exchange perspectives post-college.

as each meetup concluded (there were more too i love you all friends i didnt have the stamina to write about everything), i thought about how i wouldn't see my friends for another few years, but then also feel so incredibly grateful to be able to hangout again and for many pick-ups where we left off as if i had never left.

our last dinner with finley and shelby was at this korean restaurant i'd searched out one thanksgiving when i'd chosen to stay in chicago by myself while the rest of my friends went home/visit other friends' families. i was craving ginseng chicken soup very badly. i searched up this place which was an hour and a half away in some neighborhood i'd never been to before. i made the trek there and had a lovely meal by myself. that night, with finley, shelby and clare, we laughed and talked and ate heartily. i found a wishbone in the soup. finley said clare and i should each make a wish. we each held onto one side of the bone. we counted to three. it broke in clare's favour, also meaning that my wish "wouldn't come true". but there and then, there wasn't really much else i could've asked for. 

this trip was really a reminder of all the relationships i had built in my second home. a home so far away, yet often feels closer than it is.

waving bye to stephanie from the cab to jfk, my eyes started to well up. it had been such a rich and wonderful time in new york too. we had hung out the most on this trip to the US and there was always more things to laugh about, more stories to tell, more jokes to exchange. moments that stuck out to me:

• standing in central park listening to these amazing buskers - stephanie would not stop singing one of the songs they sang in the last few days. she'd sing it before we slept, on the streets (with dancing), on the train...
• people-watching in washington square park/people-watching in general/ overhearing conversations of new yorkers and discussing it afterwards
• making breakfast together in the mornings
• completing the puzzle + painting (though i did most of the painting) and watching JLo's half-time show
• eating udon twice @ raku and walking 20,000+ steps on multiple days
• walking around the town of beacon

i was telling mei that maybe part of these hangouts being so poignant is because of how much time/space/distance there has been in between.

that's just how adult friendships are right - some,  you do life together, and others, you had done before but there are phases and seasons of every relationship.

made a scrappy lil video with more photos/videos here.

till next time friends. i love you all so much. the internet shall keep us close for now. 

 Soak came over the other day to test if my sewing machine could adhere velcro and thick paper for her new book. Jun and her turned up at the same time at the gate. We laughed as we greeted each other - all wearing our sloppiest home clothes. jun and I have been neighbours for the longest time, but didn't know each other until we went to college together.

I met soak through another Singaporean whom I started chatting with because I recognized her accent in a bank in Chicago. Soak and I only had dinner once, but kept in touch occasionally over social media. We bumped into each other sometime last year at an art show at temporary press. Soon, she moved to an apartment above the coffee shop near my place. 

I applied for an open call that happened to be by the company she works part time for. I remember receiving an excited text from her asking me to check my inbox - it was news that I had been chosen for the show! We went climbing together a few times and she also came by to help look at my works to figure out what to include in the show. I met Theo through her - though realized later that we had met before at an MOE event 4-5 years back. I even had his number stored in my phone already. It was all kinda serendipitous.

Back to sewing through velcro and thick paper - it worked pretty well! jun, soak and I hung out in my room and talked about our struggles with pursuing our practices, other artists who seem to have "made it" and reminisced about college days. Soak said she thought where we are now is still kinda exciting - the possibilities that lie ahead. Soak asked Jun if he wanted to see her apartment. Jun and I have lived near this coffee shop for decades, but had only ever seen the apartment above it from the outside.

The first time soak brought me up - it was so surreal being in a space that I've walked past and looked at from the outside almost everyday. I often wondered who inhabited the space, what it was like on the inside. I enjoyed wondering - but now being in the space - it didn't feel real. 

We sat on the floor of her room - and it felt like living overseas again - being with roommates and hanging out like we didn't have any other responsibilities, and time seemed to stop. Theo came back from work, exhausted. We sat for a little while longer before picking ourselves up for dinner downstairs.

The weekday evening exhaustion was very tangible as we ate, yet there was comfort in being together - snide comments were thrown across the table occasionally in jest, and we laughed and talked and ate - it was a lovely evening.

i had such a pleasant experience at the hair salon i had to write a blogpost lol.

 rando uncle: "ah girl, you leave hair so long to look like korean star is it?"

hairdresser aunty: "no la she just lazy to cut"

interactions like that make me smile. i cut my hair very occasionally, i wouldn't even dare call my hair dresser my "regular" hair dresser. i tried different hair salons when i was younger - i have concluded that i am not willing to pay anything more than $35 for a haircut because i just don't really care much about my hair, plus i have so much hair that it honestly doesn't make much of a difference. I used to visit this one that i currently go to when i was younger. it was the first hair salon i remember going to to layer my hair when i was 13. it was a wreck. but i think it was the style then. 

went for spin in the morning, and got breakfast with munnie. caught up about our lives, and i am just so thankful for conversations with her - serious life changing decisions peppered with her obsession with reality tv. we weren't really friends when we were in school. i was too much of a goody-two-shoes, and brainlessly rule abiding. she was a little bit of an intellectual rebel, challenging teachers in discussions. part of me felt like i wasn't really very worthy to interact with her because i really didn't have many opinions. but fast forward to today, we get along so well, and i am thankful for how real our conversations are - and also knowing she will not hesitate to call me out on things, but also wouldn't judge me (or maybe secretly hahaha).

was supposed to head to the gallery, but the appointment got pushed back. drove over to the hair salon. i don't ever remember what they are called (but now i know). i asked my mom about it but she was said to just walk in. they don't even have a proper google location with hours. they are located near my late grandma's place. i used to walk under the block of flats to and from kindergarten. the hairdresser aunty talks just the right amount - not invasive, but also not completely frivolous, and it's always comfortable. she knows exactly how low maintenance i am, and doesnt judge me for it - no pushy sales about treatment nor any judgment about how dry my hair is. i also like how she doesn't blow dry my hair flat and straight and i don't have to tell her either. ahh, it was just the perfect pleasant hair cutting experience that i can rely on.

thankful for the small things like these that just help to add some calm and rid some anxiety. been experiencing some insane levels of anxiety that's work-related. these march holidays are very needed.

2021 reflections

what moments were good?

• spending time with family
• spending time with Bry
• game nights
• when my lessons go well, time with my students
• finding friends @ work 
• first art show in sg

what moments were bad?

• growing/learning pains at my job
• struggling with mental health 
• being impulsive/reactive in my interactions with others both at work and in my personal life without properly considering consequences/processing my thoughts
• everyday life impacted by covid restrictions
• figuring out how to do my job well and balance my personal life, and giving myself permission to rest, constantly letting productivity define my worth
• figuring out friendships as more of us are going through different phases of life/ realising that what people need in a friendship differs from person to person and when those needs are not proportionate/ don't align, friendships drift. but i guess that's life right? doesn't make it hurt any less!

how did you grow as a person?

i think i've really pushed myself - in my job and applying for art showing opportunities. think in doing so i've also begun to be more aware of my limits

• friendships: choosing to invest in friendships that i value, supporting each other through new opportunities/transitions, recognising what i need in a friendship. 
• teaching: growing more as an educator - figuring out how to do my job well/ find a balance of rest and work, being shown my weaknesses too and painfully working through  my mistakes. constantly humbled and wanting to keep being better for my students
• artist: picking back up where i left off with my art practice. need to find my footing again and not make excuses for my lack of making/ motivation. gotta start somewhere. realising my lack of technical skill.

how would you have done things differently?

• prioritized my wellbeing more. i tend to lose myself when i am too invested in things e.g. my job/art/others and forget that i am not superhuman and can't be in many places at once/ can't be responsible for everything/ juggle that many responsibilities. the ripple effect of consequences is horrifying.
• be more conscious of what i consume/ put out - i could have been more positive/ be more conscious of my thought patterns

what are you grateful for?

• family, bryan, friendships, good colleagues
• grateful for feeling like what i'm doing with my life is meaningful/purposeful/gives me life
• climbing and my love for it and the community of climbers
• support from my loved ones to pursue what i love, and their belief in me

what can you learn more about to make yourself feel better?

• strategies to cope better with my anxiety
• writing down things that come to mind so i don't constantly ruminate
• routines when i end work so i don't keep bringing my mental stress/work stress home
• identifying sources of my anxiety when i get panic/anxiety attacks

• strengthening technical teaching abilities for art + learning from other teachers classroom management strategies and putting them into practice
• being more organised

• developing more awareness on how to market/ price my works/ gain more exhibition experience

goals/resolutions

• work on being less reactive - to process/ think before reacting
• think about the energy i'm putting out into the world/ the energy i'm surrounding myself with
• feel more in control at my job/ find my own working pace/style
• make more art!!
• spend less time on social media and be more present in life - "wherever you are, be all there".

wishing you a life-giving, fulfilling 2022!