was clearing out my flatfiles in the print studio today, and packing up my locker. i sat on the floor, attempting to neaten things up, and throw out things i dont need. the weird feeling, of anticipating the end and knowing that it is near came upon me - like relief and a breath, but also, sentimentality, bittersweetness. i know that it will pass, and soon it'll just be the start of spring, and then the craziness that is the middle of the semester, then another end will come again. these cyclical things, yet i am always surprised, and caught offguard by my emotions.

this semester was special though. with a lot of moments that were divine, undeniably so, and i am ever so thankful.

dear child, put down your sword, fight no more.

freedom from striving, from feeling the need to prove myself to everybody, the simplicity of things and people falling into place without me being conscious of it, till i was stopped for a moment today, just a second of stillness and quiet, and His voice louder than any of the voices in my head. i pray stillness and peace for you too.

anticipation/ of home. of flying. of leaving. of escape.

escape in sleep
escape through overworking
escape through artmaking

you can't escape from self though, you can't i've tried

thanksgiving 2016

Everyone comes home tomorrow. I was watching the new season of Gilmore girls with en (not physically since she’s halfway across the world but you get what I mean), when I heard the card slot of the front door. I didn’t realise one of my roommates was coming home today. I was suddenly conscious of how I was sprawled out on the couch in the living room, my dinner plates unwashed from two hours ago, backpack tipped over on the floor. I had come to claim the apartment for my own these three days wow how has it been already three days?

It’s thanksgiving break and im supposed to have gone to ohio with some good friends. But literally a few hours before we were supposed to meet at the train station to pick up the car, I realized I just couldn’t do it. i love my friends, but I just feel like I hadn’t had time to breathe much or be alone this whole semester – with classes, and taking on too many jobs, and other commitments too (ha whats new really), and being away at fall conference last weekend gave me a lot to think about that I hadn’t had time to process and was just in a weird place in general. I think the last time I had a few days to myself, with myself, was when I went to boston for an moe conference. I remember hating it so much – being alone, and just being scared I think. I had just recently come to the states for college, and I remember I was supposed to go to the conference with jon but he said it was too much moving within the first few months of being in the states. Maybe he was right, but im glad I went and hated being alone, and thought I couldn’t travel by myself again. But looking back, I think I’ve grown a lot. Just as a person and being comfortable being who I am.

I spent Wednesday doing everything I felt “rest” entailed without actually resting: made pancakes for breakfast, then I took a walk to the beach next to navy pier, sat by it for a bit and sketched a little. Grabbed a bike, and cycled down to Lincoln park, took a bus to Avondale and climbed for two hours. In the midst of one of those activities I had a huge craving for ginseng chicken soup and yelped to find a place that had it. Albany park had one, it was pretty far from home, but only another 30 minutes from first ascent. It didn’t disappoint.

Thursday was spent watching ‘the fosters’ on Netflix, practically nonstop. I finally got up and changed and left the building to go to school I don’t know why I thought school would be open, bumped into cat along the way who told me it was closed, invited her to dinner with me and farnaz at my place that night. I cooked, while far and cat baked cookies. It was a rly tiny dinner but really comfortable and warm and I have missed farnaz (despite how much I hate admitting it). I miss coming home to her, and hearing her rant about everything, and also how we both are sometimes just quiet, and her presence is comforting. Cat was rly fun to hang out with too, we just sat around and ate and talked till they had to leave.

I woke up, made hot pancakes I made from Wednesday, and spent 11am-8pm in the studio, just working on a very labor-intensive print for part of a litho project. I really love being in the studio by myself. And also just not feeling like I have to rush to use the press, or to meet a deadline, or feel pressured to be doing something you know?

On the walk home tonight, I thought to myself, how nice it would be to just be a loner artist who travels from home to the studio, and studio to home, and occasionally go to the beach or do something else, and not interact with anyone. I laughed. I wouldn’t be able to survive that I don’t think. I love people, and having conversations, and hanging out with people. I think I just needed a break these few days. I wish I could have been in two places at once – with my friends but also by myself. But we haven’t reached that height of technology yet. I guess, I do still, you know one day wanna be making work, and being happy and satisfied, and loving what I do? Be it making art, or teaching or whatever I might find myself in. I texted dad and asked if I was crazy to spend a whole day of break working. I said I thought I was. He said nope it’s passion. I smiled. I think passion is a little bit of it, but also im just such a workaholic. But im thankful to be doing what I love I know not everyone gets to, and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

i had breakfast for dinner the other night with elena, it was fun. so was hanging out with courtney monday night when school got too much.

futility:

• the futility of the act of posting a letter when it gets returned
• the futility of walking to the lake to seek comfort but none was to be found. the waves seemed incredibly frustrated, the lakefront uninviting. i stood before the lake feeling like an intruder in a space where i usually sought comfort
• the futility of a walk to clear the mind only to find it much more cluttered
• the futility of romanticising the idea of a walk, when it is just a walk
• the futility of this blogpost

i need to not be here in this headspace

i bumped into larissa on the way to get groceries today. class wasnt the easiest yesterday, and both of us just checked in with each other if we were feeling better today. i think we both did. she said to treat myself this weekend in such seriousness as we parted, i thought i'd better ;)

i picked up pancake mix, syrup, jello, coffee ice-cream and coffee, detergent, soap refill, frozen corn, pork that i intend to freeze too, paid and headed home. the cold has hit, and my fingers were freezing carrying the bags. i got home, put everything away. i put on contacts and did my makeup for no particular reason. it had been a while though, that i've put in effort into not feeling like i just got out of bed, there's something therapeutic about doing my makeup somehow. i mean it doesnt have to be makeup, but just any process that prepares me for something - like the walk to school each morning, or the travelling to church on the train, or packing my bag for trips, or brushing my teeth before going to bed, or moving tables to a certain arrangement before starting class. i started working on folding my laundry, and packing up my room a little. my room often reflects the state of my being. i wonder if anyone is the same. it was an utter shithole. it's good now though. i laid on my floor for a good hour not doing anything. the thought of starting a weaving for fun came to me, and i wanted to act on it but i didnt.

i had lunch with jo before groceries too. it was really nice to catch up. i dont think i've properly talked to him in a while.

i eventually pulled myself off the floor, got dressed, and started heading to elena's. we were going to have breakfast for dinner and i was incredibly excited. i hadnt hung out with her in a while too. we talked about a lot. two years ago, i didnt think i would be able to share things as vulnerably/genuinely as i did tonight, and so many other times too. when God said He'd provide, He meant it. Perhaps not in the way i thought it would happen, but He knows best and i wouldnt have it any other way. interactions and exchanges and conversations with people have been so life-giving, encouraging and really beautiful.

speculating reasons for feeling lonely

i've been feeling lonely lately. i don't really know why. perhaps 

• school's so so busy and there's hardly time to hang out with people, nor do i have the energy to
• i just stopped working at the gallery and my time has opened up a lot more which is a good thing but i am also such a crazy brained person that perpetually doing something is the only way to keep me sane
• everyone's getting married lately and there's no one in sight really
• it's getting colder (tho today was hella hot)
• i've been realising my need to process my thoughts and feelings externally a lot more somehow perhaps i've always been this way and there somehow have been people around but lately maybe being more picky with who i talk to about things because i think i blab too much
• finally having the time to slow down, and realising i don't really know how to shut my brain up, or rest is kinda scary
• i'm missing (physically) distant friends a lot and we're all just shit at keeping in contact (except maybe rachel hehe)
• i havent been writing much i know i really need to
• maybe it's growing older, and i think we each think we become more self-sufficient - which maybe we do i'm not sure
• maybe it's just the weight of existence lol.

it's also november and time is flying by. i don't really have the concept of time under control now that school is broken up into semesters whereas all my life it's been a full year again and again and it's easier to keep track of time like that. 

thoughts about space

I have been thinking about place lately. A lot of thoughts have come from TA-ing i hope they don't bore you (then again it's my blog and i can write whatever i dont know why i always feel the need to write disclaimers). i teach in the same class i had a drawing class in two semesters ago, and it is also where i work on my own drawings after class. it's odd how the space feels different depending on what capacity of a human being i am functioning as. as a student, it's a classroom, and a space where critiques happen, where class happens, and i associate it with however i find the class to be - emotions, processes, etc. when i teach, the space somehow feels a little more mine, and more within my control - of dictating in some sense atmosphere, be it physically through the arrangement of tables and chairs, the playing of music, the cleanliness of the place, or metaphysically - what kind of teaching environment am i fostering, what conversations am i having with the kids, how am i speaking to them? and when it functions as my studio space, and i am acting in the capacity of an artist, there's a distance from the space, it is purely functional, and i am simply making work. it's odd how it is all the same classroom, the same physical place, yet functions/feels so different depending on context.

i thought about something bri said that day too, about places being charged, with whatever experiences, memories, anything else. and they carry a semblance of the past with them. it differs for each individual. i think that's fascinating.

about what?

larissa was sitting across from me today, and we were kind of talking about my artwork. there was a pause, and she said "what are your thoughts?"

i said, "about what?"

she said, "everything, anything."

i glanced at her, assuming it was a passing comment. but it wasn't. i knew she was listening. really listening.

i wonder if it's worrying that someone listening surprises me.

banal

i've been feeling the need to write about everything - i think writing helps me to document, and also to process my thoughts. shared a moment with my drawing teacher today - maybe it isnt shared lol but to me, it was a moment that was hm. maybe significant in some sense. there are some moments like that that are banal or maybe everyday, but i know have some sort of weight. even if i dont know how to explain it. i ta-ed with this other teacher, and the both of them know each other. and i wanted to ask her about it today, but didn't know whether it was weird to. i get anxiety a lot in situations like that i don't really know why. there are some people, that it just comes naturally, and they just say whatever comes to their minds - i do that with my really close friends - but i speak very considered and filtered thoughts with people i'm still getting to know/not extremely familiar with. i took so long, to just muster the ability to ask her, 

"hey are you and her friends?" 

and the moment i uttered it, i knew she knew that i was waiting to ask the question for a while. she like smiled, and said 

"are you her ta?" 

i laughed. and she was like 

"how do i know this?'

and im like

"she.. texted you?" 

"immediately" /-

busy busy busy but good

it's been a wonderful weekend, incredibly packed, but wonderful. tanya came to visit, it felt like i was home again - it's odd how just her presence could make everything feel a little more familiar. 

antique taco - we shared fish and beef tacos

queued for jeni's for at least 30 minutes - we got popcorn, poached pear, and brambleberry

went to lvl 3, tan met hope, we tried to understand art for a while

headed to a warehouse where lvl3 had an afterparty, cheap drinks, and dancing wew wew/ jubs and marquisha were like the dancing duo it was cute

8am the next morning shelb came to pick us and elena up to go to starved rock, we forgot to update ciel about meeting time and place, and drove to her place to try and get her, but she wasnt there. ha.

we hiked pretty far, it was beautiful, went to duffy's tavern for lunch, the antique store that shelb and clare went the last time, went to the pink gorilla cupcake shop that noelle said we needed to go to. shelb dropped us off, and elena, tan and i showered, and went to see the buckingham fountain, dropped by the bean, and headed to my fav restaurant in chinatown. we had really good conversations that night.

i had class on monday, but tan and i went to wicker park after - we popped by kokoro, and ragstock, then went to umami because i wanted her to try the tuna burger. i think we just headed home after. 

we woke up super early the next morning for wildberry before i went to class. 

i walked to the train station and felt sad. i love friends visiting but it's always so hard when they leave.

it was a good weekend though. :)

this week has been peppered with really enjoyable meetings with people i care about - lis, bri&courtney, family group (sarah was back in town for the weekend!!!), saw shelb&clare for like two seconds, met page for brunch, going to watch zoi and her family play, moments of hanging out in the apt with ryan and elizabeth, and getting work done too. this weekend was crazy with TA-ing from 8am-4.30pm. there's something about teaching that feeds my soul (as pretentious as that sounds lol). just interacting with students, and also the teachers teaching the class - there's just so much each individual has that the rest of us don't. and i feel like so often we forget that, and don't have time to interact with others, or really truly listen. while sitting by the lake with bri&courtney on friday night, bri said something about my ability to be present in the conversation and show that i am listening, yet still be acutely aware and conscious of everything that isn't the conversation. i cant remember who i had this other conversation with that said something about how everyone is busy, and getting from place to place, but there's a difference between people who are simply rushing from task to task, and those who are conscious to simply be present wherever they are in the midst of busyness. presence. i guess. is something im thinking about lately. perhaps because, i catch my mind wandering off places, before coming back to where i am, and being like "okay, i'm here". it reminds me of the passage about samuel in 1 sam 3, and how God was calling him, and each time he went to eli and said "here i am, you called me", before eli realised it was God speaking to samuel.

talked to pa and ma before church today, and it's so weird to have to condense so much that happened over the past week and a half on both sides into 30 minutes of rambling. and it was like oh! i need to tell them about this and this and this. and when i hung up, it was like oh there was this and this and this too.. distance is a weird thing. but perhaps in the need to summarize, i also notice what is more important to me? maybe not. maybe it's just whats the most fresh, or what im worried about. 

i went for service today, and sat with paige and osee. during worship, we sang the line "your name is love, a love that always finds me, always finds me", and "my fears were drowned in perfect love". and i just thought about all the times that God has called me back to him, time and time again, he searches me out, knows the things that tug upon my heart, and calls me gently back to him. in a way that, draws me back. i'm not saying i don't struggle, and that i've not strayed again, but hm each time i receive a new revelation of what his love is. i still struggle with my faith, and have questions and doubts, and sometimes dont understand, but. there's something within me that is convinced that God is bigger than all of this - He knows, and He loves. 

school and life has been crazy, but i'm very incredibly thankful. listening to zoi and her family play last night was such a blessing, to just be immersed in music, and to have fun, and to let loose a little - with tambourines and drums, and to just be. and know that that is enough. was sweet. 

i am immensely excited about my drawing class. i think teachers make such a difference. she came in with such an excitement and an exuberance about teaching despite how sleepy and dead we all were on the first monday morning. she obviously has put so much thought into the assignments she gives, and i am really just super excited to make work, and the prompt so far has pushed my work already and it's only assignment 1.

i feel like i'm at a sweet spot of being more liberated and freed to make work. not feeling like my work has to be a certain type of Art, but letting line do its thing. i've left drawing long enough, to breathe, to miss it, and i'm coming back to it. but with a different attitude, a different spirit. em talked about different elements of my work having character - i think the chair has been something people have been drawn to, perhaps the way it slouches, the way the lines kind of are lazy, but also deliberate. i brought my sky pieces to class, and they are something that i am still interested in but not knowing how to approach them, nor what to do with them. i think i need to go back into ceramics and make objects. not on the wheel but just hand building objects. im not ready for that yet, but eventually. maybe i am. idk. 

it's been difficult to separate myself from my anxiety. there are days when i am just crippled by thoughts and endless worry, and i try to work through it but my mind doesnt know how to separate worries from real life. but i treasure the moments of excitement and joy. i think joy and positivity and how we see things is so important. and changes the way we approach situations, and ourselves, and artmaking. i wonder though, if we associate certain people or activities with the things we feel. probably so. despite how subconscious. certain things i associate with anxiety, or hurt; others peace, joy, love. 

i went for a run last night. i hadnt run along the lake in the longest time. i ran to the end, and there's a tiny pathetic beach there. i just laid down on the concrete. the sky was a blend of blue, pink and yellow, soft hues. and there were no clouds in the sky - or maybe there were too many that the whole sky just looked like a painting. i think people like rothko, or are drawn to them because there is a vastness, a consuming power, that draws us in. i squinted my eyes a little such that i could see nothing but the colours of the sky. and it was something so beautiful. to be alone under the blanket of God's goodness and creation. and there's truly nothing that satisfies more than being in His presence. i feel like i forget that a lot. 

about learning.

just got out of a philosophy of art class. and we had to talk. really had to talk. it was wonderful. i think with the education system we grew up in, a lot of things have been spoonfed to us, you always have to have the 'right' answers, to not embarrass yourself, speak if only you are sure. but that's not the purpose of a class. you take class, you go to school because you don't know. if you do know, why waste a bunch of money when you can maybe save up to bto??? ha. but that kind of freedom to question, the freedom to wonder, the freedom to think. to ask questions, knowing that when an instructor probes, or throws the question back at you, it's not him criticising you as a human, but trying to get you to think further, to think harder, for you to understand yourself and uncover and discover and realise and have your own "ah hah" moment. i think we are, okay let me not speak for others, but i am so incredibly afraid of being wrong or embarrassed, at times, it hinders me from trying to make sense of things, wanting just the right answers. i remember feeling so incredibly victimised last semester, when i was questioned on the spot. looking back now, it shouldnt have caused me so much anxiety and fear. im really so excited, so excited to learn. that's what education is supposed to be about ya? oh my thank you Lord Jesus i know how to write my teaching statement for my art ed application now.

of wonder and not knowing.

i like the quiet that sets in after a huge party

the walk home after a meetup with a friend

the packing up of materials after teaching a class

/

i haven't experienced such a sense of wonder in a while. during a beginning litho class i had today, our professor, jess, demonstrated how litho worked without giving us any sort of explanation about the process at all. the sense of awe, and 'wow wait what just happened' that aroused within my soul was a feeling i hadn't felt in such a long time. i feel like as a child we feel it so much, being exposed to so many different things, that our minds gradually start to comprehend, being initially perhaps told stories or myths to make understanding things easier - be it santa, or the simplification of a scientific concept (i wanted to actually type a concept here & sound smart but lol couldn't think of any yo), then upon being revealed the truth, have a sense of what is the word eureka? some form of discovery, wonderment, awe. i think those are beautiful things to feel. so beautiful. to not know, is a privilege at times. 

perhaps wanting to plan out things, to know, to have an extremely directed path of where we want to go, is actually more of a downfall than being helpful. i am a huge planner. you can ask anyone who interacts with me. i am a sucker for lists, and administration, and documents and forms and all that kind of thing. but i've come to realise lately, that i've planned things so tightly together, that there is at times no room for God to work. there is no room for spontaneity, or following my gut, or anticipation and apprehension and wonder of 'i have no idea what is going to happen next but we'll see'. i think too, that with these plans, a lot of the times, when things happen along the way that cause them to be messed up, the kind of disorientation i feel, like i could've done more, that perhaps it's not worth it, the kind of rigidity the mind sticks to at times like these is so dangerous really. for i have already done all i could, perhaps a lot more than i should too! i wonder if we should follow our gut more, not think too much into things. yes make plans, broad ones, have goals, have dreams, have aspirations, but i'm learning not to micromanage everything that i can lay my hands on.

navigating the in-between

a post i wrote on a layover back to singapore on 8 june 2016 and a timely reminder.

It’s been two years. It doesn’t feel like it though. It still feels like I am travelling back home for the first time after the first semester away: the feeling of anticipation of prawn mee, laksa, chai tao kuey, mom’s preserved vegetables duck soup, and family and friends too I guess; the exhaustion from a semester of artmaking; the discomfort of being in a place where there are people so different from myself, with different cultures, accents, ways of doing things; the anticipation of home.

It is not all the same though. Chicago has grown on me. I would go so far as to say I would call it home too. I think it was always a reflex to pick out all the things that Chicago lacked – amazing Singaporean food, warm weather, Singlish, familiarity of people I grew up with, places I know like the back of my hand. However, there are now things I miss about Chicago too – the way the sunlight shines through the city a certain way, the lake that stretches out for forever, how there’s always the weather to talk about if all conversation topics run out (in Singapore what is there to say really, ‘today quite hot ah?’, ‘outside raining hor?’), the possibility of driving for hours and ending up in another state without the hassle of my passport being checked.

Being away has given me space to grow. I think being away from the people and communities I grew up with took off a lot of the pressure of who I felt I had to be, or who people expected me to be. I don’t think people intend to put pressure on others to be a certain way, but I think we naturally dislike change. When the people we love change, it is scary and we quickly respond in disapproval. In this foreign land of the United States of America, I felt free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I think that freedom was initially daunting, and I threaded on it with great care and caution. With time though, this caution diminished, and freedom was embraced. I tried to be everything that I wanted myself to be when I was younger, morphing into different versions of myself. I don’t think I truly ever found ‘myself’, or became all that I envisioned, but I think I learned more about who I was along the way, bit by bit. I sat on the beach with a friend a couple evenings ago and shared with her about how being away from home makes me feel like I can be anything I want. She nodded, but said she thinks it is not that I want to be a different person, or have a different personality but that I have the space to uncover parts of me that perhaps being at home makes harder to do.

I think I have learnt how to love better too. Having everyone at college being away from home, we learn how to be family to each other. I spend as much, or even more time with a few of my friends than I do even, with family at home. A few of us put up at a friend’s place for the past week (and prior to that we were on a three-week long road trip). It sounds like great fun, but living like family, also means carrying each others’ burdens and experiencing and resolving conflict. We were around each other almost 24/7, and if someone was down, all of us would feel it. I always feel the need to fix people, and offer logical and practical solutions. I have learnt, that that is most of the time the least helpful. Sometimes, all a friend needs is a hug, or a nod of affirmation, or just for me to sit and listen. They have thought through their woe, or problem, ten times more than I have, and have usually run through all possible solutions. Sometimes, emotional responses do not correspond with logical solutions. With conflict, my immediate response is to avoid, and escape and wait it out until tensions cease. I never realized how much talking about something brings up misunderstandings, addresses hurt, and clears the air so much better than harboring grudges and having them resurface months later. I always felt that if I were the only one to feel annoyed at something, I should resolve it myself, especially if my emotional uproar is seemingly illogical. Yes, that is the case for certain things. However, some things need to be said or acknowledged for any real resolution.

I think these lessons take time to learn. I am often amazed at how God creates us – how he knows some lessons need to take time, and gives us years and years to experience things – at times again and again, before we finally get a glimpse of how to be functional human beings. I think the biggest things we take away from school aren’t our degrees, or academic or technical knowledge – no doubt those are important – I think the biggest takeaways are how we relate to people around us. I think about how my friends and I wrote each other notes to explain why we were angry at each other over the tiniest little things. I think about the first time I made a mistake in school and felt guilty about it for a year before figuring out a way to apologize to my teacher. I think about the time in primary school when two of my best friends were in my room, and we were just having fun, jumping on my bed and laughing when one of them said really quickly and quietly, “my parents are getting divorced”. We stopped laughing, and I think the two of us said we’re sorry, and sat around for a little while before we went to play something else. If these were to happen again: I would talk about our feelings on the spot and resolve misunderstandings face to face; I would approach my teacher immediately after class and apologize; I would hug my friend, ask her how she was feeling, hug her again and we would go to NTUC and buy two tubs of ice-cream and the three of us would eat till she felt a little better at least for the moment.

Perhaps it is not so much about being away as it is simply growing older and growing up.

summer 2016

"i'm going up to joseph's."

"sign that for me before you head up"

"okay"

i wait patiently as the lift goes up, 7... 19.. 25...33. a sense of excitement surges through my veins. i knock on the door. it is unlocked. i push it open, and see jun smiling at me. jo is by the sink. i collapse on the floor in sheer relief and exhaustion. i was finally in chicago. within the past 30 hours, i had been in singapore, then hong kong, missed my flight to chicago due to a delay, they flew me to LA, got tuck in immigration at LA and missed the flight to chicago again, after standing in line for at least 20 minutes because of horribly inefficient processes, i got a ticket to chicago. carl asked if i wanted to standby for free, i said no please let me just pay and get a confirmed seat im not waiting around any longer. waiting at the gate in LA, the flight was supposed to be at 2.20pm. there was no indication of any sign of boarding until 2.30pm, when they said there is a fault in the engine and invited us to sit around for longer. i laughed. i wasnt surprised anymore. i was surprisingly calm however, and thankful i guess, to just be safe, and to reach the comfort of generous friends who would put me up at their place any time. 

it felt as though summer was just a dream, every time i move between countries, it's as though the past three months never happened, or perhaps i had just woken up. this summer was beautiful though. i am incredibly thankful for opportunities, and people who have come by my way. i try to write a summary of events, just so i can look back and read about them later on. it's just photos from here on just a warning, it's a lot of scrolling haha. thank you friends and family for loving me and making summer such a wonderfully refreshing one:

- road trip around the west coast: we flew to vegas, drove to zion national park, then to antelope canyon, grand canyon, LA, yosemite, San Fran, lake tahoe

- malaysia with the fam

- church camp

- internship at STAR

- meetups w friends

- spending time with family

hehe so many photos. k i need to go do adult stuff like go to the bank and reconnect my cell phone.

have a wonderful rest of the week yall.