of wonder and not knowing.

i like the quiet that sets in after a huge party

the walk home after a meetup with a friend

the packing up of materials after teaching a class

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i haven't experienced such a sense of wonder in a while. during a beginning litho class i had today, our professor, jess, demonstrated how litho worked without giving us any sort of explanation about the process at all. the sense of awe, and 'wow wait what just happened' that aroused within my soul was a feeling i hadn't felt in such a long time. i feel like as a child we feel it so much, being exposed to so many different things, that our minds gradually start to comprehend, being initially perhaps told stories or myths to make understanding things easier - be it santa, or the simplification of a scientific concept (i wanted to actually type a concept here & sound smart but lol couldn't think of any yo), then upon being revealed the truth, have a sense of what is the word eureka? some form of discovery, wonderment, awe. i think those are beautiful things to feel. so beautiful. to not know, is a privilege at times. 

perhaps wanting to plan out things, to know, to have an extremely directed path of where we want to go, is actually more of a downfall than being helpful. i am a huge planner. you can ask anyone who interacts with me. i am a sucker for lists, and administration, and documents and forms and all that kind of thing. but i've come to realise lately, that i've planned things so tightly together, that there is at times no room for God to work. there is no room for spontaneity, or following my gut, or anticipation and apprehension and wonder of 'i have no idea what is going to happen next but we'll see'. i think too, that with these plans, a lot of the times, when things happen along the way that cause them to be messed up, the kind of disorientation i feel, like i could've done more, that perhaps it's not worth it, the kind of rigidity the mind sticks to at times like these is so dangerous really. for i have already done all i could, perhaps a lot more than i should too! i wonder if we should follow our gut more, not think too much into things. yes make plans, broad ones, have goals, have dreams, have aspirations, but i'm learning not to micromanage everything that i can lay my hands on.