that night by singapore river. i'll be back by lake michigan soon.
mixed feelings
i've been listening to "we dance" by bethel a lot.
You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won't lead me
Where You don't go
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And I've been told
To pick up my sword
And fight for love
Little did I know
That Love had won for me
Here in Your arms
You still my heart again
And I breathe You in
Like I've never breathed 'till now
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And we dance
And we dance
Just you and me
And I will lock eyes
With the One who's ransomed me
The One who gave me joy for mourning
And I will lock eyes
With the One who's chosen me
The One who set my feet to dancing
Oh we dance
We dance
We dance, we dance
Oh we dance
Just You and me
It's nice to know I'm not alone
I found my home here in Your arms
there's something very comforting about the idea of dancing with Jesus. just Him and me without the noise of the world and of bad thoughts and knowing that it's safe and it's all going to be okay. not that it isn't. i've been desiring that peace and certainty, without taking action to seek it or to pursue it. and i know God will meet us where we are and He continues to love me and pursue me even if i don't. but it's hard for His presence to come and fill me when i'm not paying attention or i'm being preoccupied with other things. and i know He just sits at the door of my heart waiting. and i've just kept the door pretty much closed. or slightly open and whispering to Him when i need Him, but not letting Him step in. and i'm struggling to open that door. and i have been since cfw. and there's commitment again and again to surrender. but that commitment has been hard to fulfil. but He has been faithful. He always is. i don't understand why but He just is. good. He is good. has always been. will always be.
i've always feel the need to document life. and i often wonder if i spend too much time thinking about documenting and documenting things in life, and if i'm not spending enough time being present, enough time... living. my fingers have been busy with my phone, often editing photos, posting statuses, sharing posts, writing. i find myself checking again and again, for notifications of approval, of affirmation. and i don't like myself for doing that. but i've realised that the deeper longing i think i have, is for interaction, and to connect with people again. and it's funny that i don't do the straightforward thing of calling them up, or texting them directly, but instead share what i want them to see, with a whole bunch of strangers that happen to be my 'friends' on facebook, or my followers on instagram. i know posts about social media have been rampant, and there are mixed views about it. and indeed, like everything else lately, there are many things that aren't simply black or white, but span the grey areas. i was having a conversation with courtney. and we touched on this topic a little. she was telling me about how she does not understand why when we are meeting up with people, there are ones that choose to be less present, being on their phones. and she questioned if there is a fear of being present. and perhaps there is. and it is so easy nowadays, if there's a silence, people don't work through it. phones are simply whipped out to fill the awkwardness. but people didn't use to have these devices, and people used to talk, and connect and truly know each other. is seeing a friends' sharing online enough for us to feel like we know enough to keep them on the fringe of our friendship circles? it's also ironic how i'm posting about this. social media's weird. i don't really like talking about this/writing about this perhaps in some form of escapist reflex, i shall leave this topic with a poem by sarah kay.
Paradox
When I am inside writing,
all I can think about is how I should be outside living.
When I am outside living,
all I can do is notice all there is to write about.
When I read about love, I think I should be out loving.
When I love, I think I need to read more.
I am stumbling in pursuit of grace,
I hunt patience with a vengeance.
On the mornings when my brother’s tired muscles
held to the pillow, my father used to tell him,
For every moment you aren’t playing basketball,
someone else is on the court practicing.
I spend most of my time wondering
if I should be somewhere else.
So instead, I have learned to shape the words thank you
with my first breath each morning, my last breath every night.
When the last breath comes, at least I will know I was grateful
for all the places I was so sure I was not supposed to be.
All those places I made it to,
all the loves I held, all the words I wrote.
And even if it is just for one moment,
I know I will be exactly where I am supposed to be.
last week of attachment. not going to write about it but i'm thankful for the privilege to be able to teach.
i wish you a wonderful week ahead. i will write more/better soon.
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