Woke up at 6.45 to brush my teeth and pack Mason’s milk and bag for school. He had been home with me for a week because he was down with a stomach bug. He had finally recovered and I was looking forward to sending him to school so I could regain some sanity and some time to work. After changing him and loading everything into the car, we finally made it out of the house.
We reached school and I dropped him off. I drove off to meet Liane - we had scheduled to meet about a month ago. Within 10 minutes of leaving, I received a message from Mason’s teacher asking me to pick him up. Thankfully, Bryan was home and said he could do the pick-up and that I should just go ahead with my plans. I felt guilt - that I was going to go and do something enjoyable while Bryan picked up my still-sick son; frustration that I thought he had already recovered sufficiently to be able to go to school; and resignation that it was what it was. I was concurrently thankful that I could go about my original plans, yet felt like I didn’t deserve to enjoy myself.
I am slowly learning to just be present wherever I am. It’s definitely been harder with a kid, even more so when being away from him means someone else is doing the caregiving. Then again, whoever I decide to spend my time with deserves my full attention too, and when I am with my kid, similarly, he deserves my presence. It doesn’t make much sense to be in one place while your mind is somewhere else.
I had a very good catch-up with Liane. Two years ago, we saw each other almost every day and were perpetually caught up in the sordid details of each other’s lives. We shared work joys and miseries, sneaked off for much-needed breaks from staring at our laptops, and exchanged knowing glances at relevant junctures. I found myself recounting recent events as though we hadn’t been apart and laughed when we realised we actually had to fill each other in on the time that had passed. Amidst all that, Bryan reminded me to just enjoy my day out.
The rest of the day passed by in a blur - nap time, feeds, changes - the usual. I counted the number of days Mason had been at infant care, as opposed to the days at home. It’s supposed to get better - or so they say.
I checked his diaper and his rash was back with a vengeance. I felt guilt and self-reproach - could I have done more? The ups and downs of him getting better, then worse again, then better, then worse have truly been such a roller coaster, mentally and emotionally. But I am aware that this is only the beginning of parenthood. I need to learn to have more grace and forgiveness for myself - there are many more years ahead.
After we put Mason down, Bryan reminded me that I had a toy from our recent Japan trip that I had yet to put together. The next 15 minutes were a welcome distraction as I assembled these tiny plastic pieces of a miniature porta-potty, complete with little decals of Japanese signage for within and outside of the cubicle. I told him I was excited to display it in our future apartment bathroom.
Mason was still unwell, I was still worried, and the rash was still there. But I also got to spend time with a friend, was more than well-supported and loved by my husband, and ended the day building a miniature Japanese porta-potty.
