6 of us, 1 apartment, a lot of songs, one very good night.

fine i am sentimental

i was telling jo last night on the way back from chinatown, that i was not a very sentimental person. he kinda laughed and hinted that i definitely was. and i definitely am. maybe not in the same way of him feeling the need to document everything, or to collect memories, but i think i do it in my own way. writing has always been a way in which i catalogue things. this whole blog, journals in general. these are the moments lately, that have made me very glad:

i was just lying in bed today, after getting back from a very good lunch at nando's with liz (they have sooo many sauces, idk why i didnt have it in singapore - wait maybe cos there's like hokkien mee, and laksa, and chicken rice, and prawn mee, and satay and ice kachang ain't nobody got time for nandos). i fell asleep for close to four hours, and wasn't ready to get out of bed. i got on youtube and started watching vlogs. and the way vlogs are curated just makes it feel like everyone else's lives seem so much more interesting and exciting. but i often forget they just exclude all the mundane stuff - and it's completely fine they do i dont actually wanna watch a 24 hour vlog and know when they go pee and stuff - but it does make life look a lot more idealistic than it is at times. and just sat on my bed and was wondering what i was doing with my life. i texted jo and was like ay we need to have more adventures. and he's like we just went to chinatown at midnight last night is that not adventure enough. i laughed. i think i'll do a backwards thing, cos that's how i am processing things right now, moments that i want to remember.

meeting julia tonight was nice even though i did debate rescheduling just cos i have a paper due tomorrow that i have yet to start on (ha jk i just checked and my teacher extended the deadline wuhu). just hanging out over food and catching up a little, and getting through these two weeks. 

being in the heat press room today churning out my pages for the book i'm making made me feel very accomplished. having to share equipment, though i gripe about it a ton, helps me interact with people more. i think having to say that is a little sad, the way we retreat to our phones and own devices nowadays, but it's what it is. and having to share the heat press today, i talked to a girl who's a junior and it wasn't a significant conversation per se. she said she liked the colors on my pages, and i was like thanks and asked if she was enjoying the class she was in. and really simple stuff like that. there was a moment too when another student came in and was heat pressing something, and her teacher was like helping her out. she started saying that she didn't know if she really liked what she was making. and the teacher was like "i don't think you do". i made eye contact with the teacher and laughed. and it is just like these moments that i have had on my own, where i get told that i am just doing something for the sake of completing it, that i don't actually really like it and the best option is to just start over instead of trying to make something i am not satisfied with better but actually just adding nonsense on nonsense, like misprinting the last huge print i did. the teacher came by and asked what i was working on and whose class i was in. i was like "making a book, i'm in liz's class". 

going with jo to chinatown to grab food after a long, exhausting day was wonderful. we usually go to this one or two restaurants that open till 12 or 2am, but were both sick of those two places. i yelped this place called golden bull and we decided to try it out. it was soooo gooood. like the best chinese food we have had, and not super pricey also. the people running the shop were really sweet too, like we had a conversation with them and they were like 在这里读两年为什么没有进来吃? and we 're like 我们一定会常来，带我们全部的朋友来! i think the manager was malaysian. rly testing my chinese tho oops. that i need to buck up on. 

the moment i opened the door and saw lauren, and sarah sitting on the floor, each holding a plate of pancakes and a huge jar of nutella. it just warmed my heart so much and made me laugh a little. i had been crying the whole hour before and trying to get myself together and thinking whether or not to cancel group that night because i just didnt feel up to it. but i thought about the many times when jo or tri each didnt feel up to it too and still made the choice to turn up and come as they were. and how that is community and nobody expects each other to be all put together and have everything together. i had really bad anxiety the whole day during class, and was trying to keep it together while having my heart try to beat out of my chest, and just being hyper aware of people around me and what i was feeling. and then having to be somewhere else after, then not knowing what to do for group that night either. family group started at 7, i pulled myself together at like 6.57, opened the door. and it was just like God saying, "hey it's gonna be okay. these weirdos just brought you pancakes and nutella and don't have syrup but it's okay you have honey. tonight is going to be good". and it was. 

becca came to visit a couple days back too!! her boyfriend had just graduated from umich, and she was in chicago for a couple days. she told me this back in i wanna say march, but i had completely forgotten about it till she posted a photo of her at brandon's graduation. we got in touch and decided where to meet and everything. i met them at the modern wing of the museum and brought them around columbus. she wanted to see what art school was like. we were art classmates in sec 3-4, so thats like sec 3 was 6 years ago. i hadnt seen her since graduating secondary school, so this was the first time we were meeting in 5 years. both her and brandon got really excited about the school facilities. and it just made me stop in thought a little, and realise how thankful i was and how it was such a privilege to be able to study what i am studying, and to make work, and to have the facilities that we have. we headed to wicker park after, and had a really good meal at the bongo room. she gave me green tea kit kats, which have been comfort food in the midst of trying to rush projects and papers and packing (alliteration right there). we walked around and i got this really ugly but amazing vintage jacket from ragstock, and we popped by jeni's because you can't go to wicker and not go to jeni's. my heart sank a little when we had to say bye, it was so so great catching up with her and hearing how well she's doing. and a familiar face from home is always really nice. 

sunday after church, after lunch, jo wanted to get coffee to help him get started on work (he has this new sweatshirt that says 'insert coffee to start'), so tricia and me went along too. and while we were walking there, i think i was complaining or whining about work or packing or just being stressed out as i was. and jo and tricia were just really really encouraging. i think we were walking along west randolph street, outside macy's and jo was on my left and tricia was on my right. and jo was like "we're the positivity twins" and i was like "im the negative" and jo was like "witch". i laughed. tricia read me a really sweet poem that she wrote for me for my birthday too, and it made me almost tear up. i'm so immensely immensely thankful for the people that God has brought alongside me in this foreign land, that has come to be a second home. disclaimer though, that i am just listing really good moments now, there have been so many times i just felt like death or have had big conflicts with friends, they happen, like they do to everyone. but these other moments make up for those. 

and that one night i hung out with ryan and tricia and it was really nice. tricia texted me in the morning and asked if i was free at night to check out her area with her, and pick up furniture from this girl to bring to her place. she asked the rest if they were free too. nobody really said anything so we assumed it was just the two of us. after iv, jo said he wanted to grab dinner together too, so the three of us went to joanie cafe (it's actually hing kee but it was the place where tricia and me first brought our old roommate joanie to eat chinese food so it has henceforth been known as joanie cafe) in chinatown for food. tri and i always order the same things to share, be it at chi (this other restaurant we always hit up) or joanie - kang kong, chicken, egg tofu. we talked about a lot of things over dinner. jo left after, and me and tricia started heading to the place to pick up the stool when ryan texted to ask whats the plan. he hadnt eaten and was waiting for us to end the meeting but we didnt know. we asked him to just come along anyway we'd go check out tricias place then find another place to eat. and he as like nah i dont want to trouble you guys, then what yall just watch me eat? and im like ya. we want to watch you eat. im glad he decided to come in the end. we met him near tricia's place and we all went up to see it. i'm really happy things worked out for her for housing. her place is super cute and well-priced for the location and how big it is too for one person. we hit up velvet taco after, and it wasnt a big thing, but it was just really nice to hang out with them, and catch up a little, and talk about things, but also being comfortable in just each other's presence.

getting texts from people at home too has been keeping me sane - nic, sarah, dom (not technically at home but), sam, janine, andrew, siskassey, aaron, rachel. and the parents and sister of course. mom texting me every time before she goes to sleep and whenever she wakes up, or is worried that i didn't get up for class. or dad asking me to check out his new photos, and them telling me about all the food they are eating, 'testing' out the places so they can bring me when i get home.

other things i just want to have a note of:

brunch with caro/going to joanns together/seeing her in the hallway

lunch with annie and caro

hanging out with sarah and lauren while they painted/ ice-cream with them
jun letting me eat his coffee sweets, and i also stole his seaweed hehe

liz walking home with me and waiting for me to dapao food when i get too lazy to cook/coming over to eat with me

liz ensz talking with me about my work

richard deutsch showing me paintings by hammershoi

viraj thanking me for a semester of working together with the middle school painting class

conversation with sam jaffe in class about art ed

chatting with sarah-ann on her birthday

times/conversations with hope/her patting me on the head before she goes to bed

farnaz being farnaz, thanking me for taking out the trash once, when she does it all the time/checking if im doing okay making sure im functional

i hope you (whoever is reading this) are doing okay :) may you take joy in sunshine, people around you, food, any little thing that's worth being thankful or glad about. have a wonderful rest of the week and weekend, sending love your way. 

we just make and make and make work.
then what

what does happiness look like

i scroll through rows and rows of photos of couples laughing with each other, selfies, people looking happy with food, or snapshots with 'underprivileged' kids

i don't know what happiness looks like

i don't think happiness is captured on camera. not often anyway

happiness to me looks like 

     walking home from the studio after finishing a piece

happiness to me looks like 

     holding ezra up and making him laugh

happiness to me looks like

     sitting with two girls i have come to love so much in an ice-cream shop while it pours outside

happiness to me looks like

     tuesday nights listening to the genuine sharing of life and struggles and talking through them

happiness to me looks like

     slicing up ingredients and cooking a good bowl of noodles

happiness to me looks like 

     the moments we are present: present with each other; present with ourselves

we don't do that very much anymore

i am not very happy with life right now

so many tacos

just finished ta-ing for my last class yesterday. it was really bittersweet and i didn't really know how to feel after. or during. or before. i remember being really stressed out somehow - i don't think it was so much the preparation of things, or having to go to work, but i think it hadn't sunken in that i wouldn't see all these kids together in the same classroom again. and that's not a big thing. i mean it happens every end of the semester for every class, but maybe i just got possessive, i think it's the first class i have felt that is kind of 'mine' or, i had a part to play in making it the class it was. the students put up a really really great show, to see ten weeks of work up on the walls was so great. and having their parents come in, and listening to them share a little statement on their favorite pieces, and processes made me smile. they were so controlled and shy in front of a crowd of people, unlike their crazy selves in class. one of them came up to me after class to thank me for the note i wrote her and said she'll miss me too, it warmed my heart so much. the teacher i was working with was really great too, our working styles are pretty complementary so it was fun and classes ran smoothly. 

school's been incredibly incredibly stressful. i think finishing up the huge project i had been working on for fibers took a lot more out of me than i realised, and now i'm left with feeling the aftereffects of it, being really dysfunctional and perpetually tired. had really difficult conversations over the past few days that just took a lot out of me. there's no time for like, lazing around though, school keeps moving and it's the last three weeks and i really want to make it good. God sends people at just the right time though, i was speaking to a friend yesterday and sharing about feeling overwhelmed. and he didn't even like say anything (i mean he did after and reaffirmed my thoughts), but as i was speaking, somehow i was just reminded that God is bigger. and that He holds me. and that knowledge kinda just seeped into my being. i don't think it takes away the stress nor lessens any amount of work i have to do, but a sense of comfort and peace, and just knowing I am loved and embraced and cared for changed something in my spirit.

we celebrated ciel's birthday with tacos today too, c organized it, we got tacos with the rest of her friends, then clare shelby ciel and me went to southport jeni's to get ice-cream. i said we should go somewhere else cos sarah lauren and me were gonna hit it up tomorrow too, and i have been having way too much ice cream and shakes (if you follow me on snapchat: tingyannn you would know shameless snapchat promo, my snapchat game is pretty on point). but ciel was like no. i was glad we went tho. we took a walk back to clare and shelby's place, cos clare was sweet enough to drive us back to the loop. being out of the loop was wonderful. i feel like the buildings often feel like they're closing in on me, and there are wayy too many people out because it's getting warm out, and everyone is just trying to rush to get to school or to work or to do something, and it's just really stressful just being on the street alone. i dont think i realised till we were taking a stroll back to the apartment. and there was hardly anyone out. the weather was really really nice too, like singapore at night, but cooler and less humid. and it was just really pretty with good company. it made me miss walking home from the bus stop or the mrt back in singapore, and it's just the night, the moon and me. and that sense of peace and quiet is really beautiful, and i think something we often take for granted. we went back to clare and shelby's and ate from this bucket of lemon buttermilk that clare got from work. it was like more than a gallon of ice-cream apparently. like the size of the tub was massive. the idea of consuming the whole tub was scary, but also very doable. the drive back downtown was really nice. country music was playing (that's what you get when all your friends are from the south except shelby maybe not. ha. jk. but m i). i forget how pretty chicago is sometimes.

also other little things, like hanging out with sarah and lauren that one night when they were rushing a painting due the next day for core (ha), and just not really doing anything but being together, and hanging out with caro getting ramen, and fabric, and milkshakes, and napping while she weaved in my room, little things and friends keep me sane. and im immensely thankful to have found people that love me the way they do. 

hang in there y'all you got this.

wishing you a wonderful week ahead.

haphazard bits and pieces about emotions

told you i'd be back

i get really bad pms. i think recognizing that is important. for me. every few weeks, i get into this really bad place. friday night found me bawling for at least forty minutes very quietly in my bed, while my two roommates and roommate's boyfriend existed in the room simultaneously. it got to a point where i had way to much snot and had to get up and clean up. i walked very sheepishly past roommate's boyfriend and roommate to the bathroom. but perhaps too sheepishly to invoke all three of their anxious concern. they know me enough not to come anywhere near me or touch me but my phone lit up with three texts in the next hour. 

it's frustrating i suppose. i don't really know whether to give attention to the things i feel in those few days or not to, and the angst that the people around me have to put up with, i really appreciate them. people. not my angst. im an angsty person on a regular basis already for those who know me. hm. i don't really know what i am trying to say putting this up. but i think chemically, our body messes with our mental and emotional state more than we imagine. and mental health is often dismissed because it is seen as something that people are making up, but i saw an image today, asking someone why they are sad when they have no reason to be and comparing it to asking someone why they have asthma if they have all the air around them to breathe. somehow physical symptoms are often legitimized and recognized and pinpointed at, but when people don't see it, it is easy to be dismissive. i do think there is a point of the self needing to acknowledge and recognize and take ownership for one's own mental health and take steps in getting better, that there will be lapses, and there are days you just need to wallow, but like how someone with asthma will take steps to cope with the physical ailment, i think there needs to be an ownership for one's mental health too.

we were talking about repression in my poetry class a couple weeks back, and how there may exist subconscious or conscious repression, that result in the build up of energy that has no place to be released but culminates in at times unexplainable outbursts. and i think about the times when i have reacted really harshly or very disproportionately to the situation at hand. these situations are often namable.  it's much easier to be angry at something that can be identified and named, as compared to feeling unexplainable discomfort, or anxiety, or sadness toward something you feel like you have a semblance of but can't actually really describe in words, or in a way that people would understand. however, i think there still is a need to acknowledge these feelings, write them down, put them in a collage, or do something with them. perhaps there is no identifiable reason at this point in time. but i think that's okay. i think the important thing is to acknowledge them. and recognize them. im not asking you to have a pity party, or to be more emotional than you actually are, but simply, matter of factly, describing what you feel as you feel them. im not saying you're going to feel better after, nor is that going to solve anything, but i think it is important to be in tune with yourself and to listen to and care for yourself as you would for family or a friend.

i never know how to end a post. ha. that phrase reminds me of sam (one of my teachers), who started class saying "i never know how to start a class. like what do your other teachers do. do they just start talking?" and im like girl you been teaching for years now you doing fine. 

girl you been writing for years now im doing fine.

cactus is cute

so many things have happened since the last time i wrote on this space:

we drove to canada and back

i turned 21

i made some work that i think im proud of

got through a paper and presentation that literally gave me so much anxiety

worked a lot 

slept a little

everything is moving so fast, but also so slow. we had small group yesterday and i asked everyone to talk about two accomplishments, one disappointment for this semester, and one thing they are looking forward to during the summer. i said i think i've slowly become more familiar with what comes more naturally to me in my practice - the ideas that i am working with and the medium in which i feel most comfortable making work in and enjoy; feeling more assured in my calling to teach (though this is debatable at times but more or less) in enjoying saturday afternoons in columbus with a class of really brilliant ones that make me laugh a lot; not having the energy to properly interact and engage with people around me enough; going to the beach, being in the sun and seeing friends and family again. 

i think i've been slowly grasping how to take care of myself better to - not in any morbid or self-indulgent sense, but just like i dont know, i've realised that we dont take care of ourselves well enough. like we should. it's hard to be a nice functional human being that interacts well with others when you're not taking care of yourself. like just to eat properly, and sleep properly and to do things that you enjoy, and hang out with people that bring you life, and not suck the life out of you. little things like that i guess. 

someone said that my writing sounds like a self-help guide. i laughed. felt slightly insulted. but realised that it's kinda true. idk. tell me your thoughts. maybe.

gonna make a thankful list:

for struggling with failure, and realising failing is a lot of the time the best way to learn (o my god so much self-help someone help me). i've been struggling with screenprinting a lot, and making so many mistakes and spending way too much time in the studio, but i've also learnt so much. i remember at the start of the project i asked liz, "we're gonna print three yards for this test print?" and she was like "you're gonna learn a lot" and i was like okay. liz was right.

for friends that stick it through with me, and go out and eat umami or ramen with me when i say "let's go now"

it's rly hard to be thankful today aha. 

for cooking - cooking has been so incredibly therapeutic

and cake too

and frozen grapes

and wrapping my blanket around myself and being warm

and when the sun comes in through the blinds

im just gonna leave a couple photos here

kbye have a good week i'll write again eventually