told you i'd be back
i get really bad pms. i think recognizing that is important. for me. every few weeks, i get into this really bad place. friday night found me bawling for at least forty minutes very quietly in my bed, while my two roommates and roommate's boyfriend existed in the room simultaneously. it got to a point where i had way to much snot and had to get up and clean up. i walked very sheepishly past roommate's boyfriend and roommate to the bathroom. but perhaps too sheepishly to invoke all three of their anxious concern. they know me enough not to come anywhere near me or touch me but my phone lit up with three texts in the next hour.
it's frustrating i suppose. i don't really know whether to give attention to the things i feel in those few days or not to, and the angst that the people around me have to put up with, i really appreciate them. people. not my angst. im an angsty person on a regular basis already for those who know me. hm. i don't really know what i am trying to say putting this up. but i think chemically, our body messes with our mental and emotional state more than we imagine. and mental health is often dismissed because it is seen as something that people are making up, but i saw an image today, asking someone why they are sad when they have no reason to be and comparing it to asking someone why they have asthma if they have all the air around them to breathe. somehow physical symptoms are often legitimized and recognized and pinpointed at, but when people don't see it, it is easy to be dismissive. i do think there is a point of the self needing to acknowledge and recognize and take ownership for one's own mental health and take steps in getting better, that there will be lapses, and there are days you just need to wallow, but like how someone with asthma will take steps to cope with the physical ailment, i think there needs to be an ownership for one's mental health too.
we were talking about repression in my poetry class a couple weeks back, and how there may exist subconscious or conscious repression, that result in the build up of energy that has no place to be released but culminates in at times unexplainable outbursts. and i think about the times when i have reacted really harshly or very disproportionately to the situation at hand. these situations are often namable. it's much easier to be angry at something that can be identified and named, as compared to feeling unexplainable discomfort, or anxiety, or sadness toward something you feel like you have a semblance of but can't actually really describe in words, or in a way that people would understand. however, i think there still is a need to acknowledge these feelings, write them down, put them in a collage, or do something with them. perhaps there is no identifiable reason at this point in time. but i think that's okay. i think the important thing is to acknowledge them. and recognize them. im not asking you to have a pity party, or to be more emotional than you actually are, but simply, matter of factly, describing what you feel as you feel them. im not saying you're going to feel better after, nor is that going to solve anything, but i think it is important to be in tune with yourself and to listen to and care for yourself as you would for family or a friend.
i never know how to end a post. ha. that phrase reminds me of sam (one of my teachers), who started class saying "i never know how to start a class. like what do your other teachers do. do they just start talking?" and im like girl you been teaching for years now you doing fine.
girl you been writing for years now im doing fine.
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