thoughts about space

I have been thinking about place lately. A lot of thoughts have come from TA-ing i hope they don't bore you (then again it's my blog and i can write whatever i dont know why i always feel the need to write disclaimers). i teach in the same class i had a drawing class in two semesters ago, and it is also where i work on my own drawings after class. it's odd how the space feels different depending on what capacity of a human being i am functioning as. as a student, it's a classroom, and a space where critiques happen, where class happens, and i associate it with however i find the class to be - emotions, processes, etc. when i teach, the space somehow feels a little more mine, and more within my control - of dictating in some sense atmosphere, be it physically through the arrangement of tables and chairs, the playing of music, the cleanliness of the place, or metaphysically - what kind of teaching environment am i fostering, what conversations am i having with the kids, how am i speaking to them? and when it functions as my studio space, and i am acting in the capacity of an artist, there's a distance from the space, it is purely functional, and i am simply making work. it's odd how it is all the same classroom, the same physical place, yet functions/feels so different depending on context.

i thought about something bri said that day too, about places being charged, with whatever experiences, memories, anything else. and they carry a semblance of the past with them. it differs for each individual. i think that's fascinating.

about what?

larissa was sitting across from me today, and we were kind of talking about my artwork. there was a pause, and she said "what are your thoughts?"

i said, "about what?"

she said, "everything, anything."

i glanced at her, assuming it was a passing comment. but it wasn't. i knew she was listening. really listening.

i wonder if it's worrying that someone listening surprises me.

banal

i've been feeling the need to write about everything - i think writing helps me to document, and also to process my thoughts. shared a moment with my drawing teacher today - maybe it isnt shared lol but to me, it was a moment that was hm. maybe significant in some sense. there are some moments like that that are banal or maybe everyday, but i know have some sort of weight. even if i dont know how to explain it. i ta-ed with this other teacher, and the both of them know each other. and i wanted to ask her about it today, but didn't know whether it was weird to. i get anxiety a lot in situations like that i don't really know why. there are some people, that it just comes naturally, and they just say whatever comes to their minds - i do that with my really close friends - but i speak very considered and filtered thoughts with people i'm still getting to know/not extremely familiar with. i took so long, to just muster the ability to ask her, 

"hey are you and her friends?" 

and the moment i uttered it, i knew she knew that i was waiting to ask the question for a while. she like smiled, and said 

"are you her ta?" 

i laughed. and she was like 

"how do i know this?'

and im like

"she.. texted you?" 

"immediately" /-

busy busy busy but good

it's been a wonderful weekend, incredibly packed, but wonderful. tanya came to visit, it felt like i was home again - it's odd how just her presence could make everything feel a little more familiar. 

antique taco - we shared fish and beef tacos

queued for jeni's for at least 30 minutes - we got popcorn, poached pear, and brambleberry

went to lvl 3, tan met hope, we tried to understand art for a while

headed to a warehouse where lvl3 had an afterparty, cheap drinks, and dancing wew wew/ jubs and marquisha were like the dancing duo it was cute

8am the next morning shelb came to pick us and elena up to go to starved rock, we forgot to update ciel about meeting time and place, and drove to her place to try and get her, but she wasnt there. ha.

we hiked pretty far, it was beautiful, went to duffy's tavern for lunch, the antique store that shelb and clare went the last time, went to the pink gorilla cupcake shop that noelle said we needed to go to. shelb dropped us off, and elena, tan and i showered, and went to see the buckingham fountain, dropped by the bean, and headed to my fav restaurant in chinatown. we had really good conversations that night.

i had class on monday, but tan and i went to wicker park after - we popped by kokoro, and ragstock, then went to umami because i wanted her to try the tuna burger. i think we just headed home after. 

we woke up super early the next morning for wildberry before i went to class. 

i walked to the train station and felt sad. i love friends visiting but it's always so hard when they leave.

it was a good weekend though. :)

this week has been peppered with really enjoyable meetings with people i care about - lis, bri&courtney, family group (sarah was back in town for the weekend!!!), saw shelb&clare for like two seconds, met page for brunch, going to watch zoi and her family play, moments of hanging out in the apt with ryan and elizabeth, and getting work done too. this weekend was crazy with TA-ing from 8am-4.30pm. there's something about teaching that feeds my soul (as pretentious as that sounds lol). just interacting with students, and also the teachers teaching the class - there's just so much each individual has that the rest of us don't. and i feel like so often we forget that, and don't have time to interact with others, or really truly listen. while sitting by the lake with bri&courtney on friday night, bri said something about my ability to be present in the conversation and show that i am listening, yet still be acutely aware and conscious of everything that isn't the conversation. i cant remember who i had this other conversation with that said something about how everyone is busy, and getting from place to place, but there's a difference between people who are simply rushing from task to task, and those who are conscious to simply be present wherever they are in the midst of busyness. presence. i guess. is something im thinking about lately. perhaps because, i catch my mind wandering off places, before coming back to where i am, and being like "okay, i'm here". it reminds me of the passage about samuel in 1 sam 3, and how God was calling him, and each time he went to eli and said "here i am, you called me", before eli realised it was God speaking to samuel.

talked to pa and ma before church today, and it's so weird to have to condense so much that happened over the past week and a half on both sides into 30 minutes of rambling. and it was like oh! i need to tell them about this and this and this. and when i hung up, it was like oh there was this and this and this too.. distance is a weird thing. but perhaps in the need to summarize, i also notice what is more important to me? maybe not. maybe it's just whats the most fresh, or what im worried about. 

i went for service today, and sat with paige and osee. during worship, we sang the line "your name is love, a love that always finds me, always finds me", and "my fears were drowned in perfect love". and i just thought about all the times that God has called me back to him, time and time again, he searches me out, knows the things that tug upon my heart, and calls me gently back to him. in a way that, draws me back. i'm not saying i don't struggle, and that i've not strayed again, but hm each time i receive a new revelation of what his love is. i still struggle with my faith, and have questions and doubts, and sometimes dont understand, but. there's something within me that is convinced that God is bigger than all of this - He knows, and He loves. 

school and life has been crazy, but i'm very incredibly thankful. listening to zoi and her family play last night was such a blessing, to just be immersed in music, and to have fun, and to let loose a little - with tambourines and drums, and to just be. and know that that is enough. was sweet. 

i am immensely excited about my drawing class. i think teachers make such a difference. she came in with such an excitement and an exuberance about teaching despite how sleepy and dead we all were on the first monday morning. she obviously has put so much thought into the assignments she gives, and i am really just super excited to make work, and the prompt so far has pushed my work already and it's only assignment 1.

i feel like i'm at a sweet spot of being more liberated and freed to make work. not feeling like my work has to be a certain type of Art, but letting line do its thing. i've left drawing long enough, to breathe, to miss it, and i'm coming back to it. but with a different attitude, a different spirit. em talked about different elements of my work having character - i think the chair has been something people have been drawn to, perhaps the way it slouches, the way the lines kind of are lazy, but also deliberate. i brought my sky pieces to class, and they are something that i am still interested in but not knowing how to approach them, nor what to do with them. i think i need to go back into ceramics and make objects. not on the wheel but just hand building objects. im not ready for that yet, but eventually. maybe i am. idk. 

it's been difficult to separate myself from my anxiety. there are days when i am just crippled by thoughts and endless worry, and i try to work through it but my mind doesnt know how to separate worries from real life. but i treasure the moments of excitement and joy. i think joy and positivity and how we see things is so important. and changes the way we approach situations, and ourselves, and artmaking. i wonder though, if we associate certain people or activities with the things we feel. probably so. despite how subconscious. certain things i associate with anxiety, or hurt; others peace, joy, love. 

i went for a run last night. i hadnt run along the lake in the longest time. i ran to the end, and there's a tiny pathetic beach there. i just laid down on the concrete. the sky was a blend of blue, pink and yellow, soft hues. and there were no clouds in the sky - or maybe there were too many that the whole sky just looked like a painting. i think people like rothko, or are drawn to them because there is a vastness, a consuming power, that draws us in. i squinted my eyes a little such that i could see nothing but the colours of the sky. and it was something so beautiful. to be alone under the blanket of God's goodness and creation. and there's truly nothing that satisfies more than being in His presence. i feel like i forget that a lot. 

about learning.

just got out of a philosophy of art class. and we had to talk. really had to talk. it was wonderful. i think with the education system we grew up in, a lot of things have been spoonfed to us, you always have to have the 'right' answers, to not embarrass yourself, speak if only you are sure. but that's not the purpose of a class. you take class, you go to school because you don't know. if you do know, why waste a bunch of money when you can maybe save up to bto??? ha. but that kind of freedom to question, the freedom to wonder, the freedom to think. to ask questions, knowing that when an instructor probes, or throws the question back at you, it's not him criticising you as a human, but trying to get you to think further, to think harder, for you to understand yourself and uncover and discover and realise and have your own "ah hah" moment. i think we are, okay let me not speak for others, but i am so incredibly afraid of being wrong or embarrassed, at times, it hinders me from trying to make sense of things, wanting just the right answers. i remember feeling so incredibly victimised last semester, when i was questioned on the spot. looking back now, it shouldnt have caused me so much anxiety and fear. im really so excited, so excited to learn. that's what education is supposed to be about ya? oh my thank you Lord Jesus i know how to write my teaching statement for my art ed application now.

of wonder and not knowing.

i like the quiet that sets in after a huge party

the walk home after a meetup with a friend

the packing up of materials after teaching a class

/

i haven't experienced such a sense of wonder in a while. during a beginning litho class i had today, our professor, jess, demonstrated how litho worked without giving us any sort of explanation about the process at all. the sense of awe, and 'wow wait what just happened' that aroused within my soul was a feeling i hadn't felt in such a long time. i feel like as a child we feel it so much, being exposed to so many different things, that our minds gradually start to comprehend, being initially perhaps told stories or myths to make understanding things easier - be it santa, or the simplification of a scientific concept (i wanted to actually type a concept here & sound smart but lol couldn't think of any yo), then upon being revealed the truth, have a sense of what is the word eureka? some form of discovery, wonderment, awe. i think those are beautiful things to feel. so beautiful. to not know, is a privilege at times. 

perhaps wanting to plan out things, to know, to have an extremely directed path of where we want to go, is actually more of a downfall than being helpful. i am a huge planner. you can ask anyone who interacts with me. i am a sucker for lists, and administration, and documents and forms and all that kind of thing. but i've come to realise lately, that i've planned things so tightly together, that there is at times no room for God to work. there is no room for spontaneity, or following my gut, or anticipation and apprehension and wonder of 'i have no idea what is going to happen next but we'll see'. i think too, that with these plans, a lot of the times, when things happen along the way that cause them to be messed up, the kind of disorientation i feel, like i could've done more, that perhaps it's not worth it, the kind of rigidity the mind sticks to at times like these is so dangerous really. for i have already done all i could, perhaps a lot more than i should too! i wonder if we should follow our gut more, not think too much into things. yes make plans, broad ones, have goals, have dreams, have aspirations, but i'm learning not to micromanage everything that i can lay my hands on.