weight

i feel like i have been home for ever, not in a bad way, but i feel like i've fallen into the step of my life back home - feeling like i'm a part of the lives of friends i haven't met for months or some, years, feeling like i'm a part of family both immediate and extended, like my presence matters, feeling like i'm a part of the life i suppose i chose to leave behind every couple of months in pursuit of something 'better'. 

it's an odd feeling to feel like you have weight. like you matter. like your presence does make a difference. it seems pompous to say so, but i don't think it is. i think i'm proud of myself for realizing that i matter, like i can make a difference if i choose to do so, like things are different in the lives of my family and friends because i'm not around - not in a bad way, nor a good way, just different. the same as anyone else's life. i feel like it's become or maybe it's always been a thing to be invisible, or there's something enigmatic about just disappearing and not having anyone realize it, but i don't agree. i think it's overrated to be cool and sit in the background and not participate. because by virtue of the fact that you are human, you exist in relation to those around, you exist with family, with friends, with strangers, and by that alone, you have weight. and you matter.  you make a difference even if you choose not to participate because things would be different if you chose to participate. 

that is all i think. i have more thoughts but they aren't like coherent at all just a bunch of mush that i may write about another time. have a wonderful weekend you

singapore is still home after all.

I always get nervous about writing blogposts, because whenever I want to write them I seem to forget what I want to write about/not be able to convey it properly somehow. But im gonna suck it up and do it anyway. R u proud of me yet? I was going to apologize for being away for so long but I realized it’s my blog and I can do what I want. Also, I just watched a gracehelbig video and m feeling exceptionally sassy. Lol. 

Today has been one of the best days I have had in a while. I don’t think I have felt so fully ‘myself’ in a while. I don’t like that phrase because what does that even mean. But I think you know the feel. Of just being so very comfortable in my own skin, and feeling like all’s good and having people around me that are so very familiar and being the very demanding person that I am but having friends know that im just kidding but not really but you know what I mean if you are my friend. Aha. Im very out of touch from writing a blogpost. These are how thoughts flow in my brain.

I met Janine in the morning to tan. It was wonderful. But very insanely hot. We were both not supposed to come home this break, but both wanted to. I think it was comforting to know and not feel weak for wanting to be home and be in a comfortable environment again. somehow knowing that there’s someone else who is in your situation too, makes it okay. Or reaffirms that you aren’t the only one struggling, and maybe it’s okay to struggle you know. I haven’t seen her in what feels like the longest time but conversation just picked up as though we never left, in between complaining about the heat and feeling like everything is about to burn off, and attempting to suck up tomyam/yum woon sen noodles/thai iced tea without using our lips. Friendship is not pretty a lot of the time. Deep. But I am so thankful for her, and our friendship and for God just letting us cross paths. It’s moments like these that there has to be God somewhere out there to orchestrate these friendships really. Or the bringing together of people like that. 

We met the cc afterwards too, and it’s always a group that has gone through enough to know each other so well. I think we talked most about how we have each changed. It was very life giving to hear friends talk about their lives, and just so much joy to see how well each of them are doing. Like genuinely feeling warm fuzzy feelings and having the knowledge during graduation like ‘so and so is going to do so well in life’ being something that is a fact and something that you see happen before your very eyes and each time you meet, it’s like they are becoming more and more of the person that you know they have been created to be. It’s not saying that they don’t struggle. They do. So well. But they pull through it, grit their teeth through it, cry through it, but they pull through and they hold on and I am so proud of the kind of strength they have and their willingness to fight through the ambiguity and discomfort and the not knowing. And there’s so much we each still do not know. But I just felt so incredibly blessed to know that regardless of how far apart we may be, or how long we have not met up, that they are still a group that I know I can trust my heart with, trust telling things that I may feel vulnerable about with and know that they will support me through it, and believe in me or cry with me or pray with me. I am so incredibly thankful for them. 

I took the train to Holland v after to meet a couple of classmates that I haven’t seen in a while. Do you know that with the downtown line it only takes less than 20 minutes to get from orchard to hv, like what, like wow. Thank you transportation system. I was very exhausted by this time, from the sun, and also from already all the social interaction the day brought, but it was still incredibly nice to meet with these ones that pulled through the two years of hardcore mugging together. Old jokes came up, that were still very funny, and the way we interacted with each other was the same as always. That familiarity is always comforting, and perhaps change is not the only constant. In the midst of change, and how perhaps we are not the same people we were three years ago when we were together in school, I think the fact that we shared those two years together definitely doesn’t change, and that will always be something that holds us together. Us, not just in the classmates I met today, but when you share moments with people I suppose. But us, as in me and my classmates specifically too. Thank you guys for loving me (im assuming you do) and making time to meet up. would choose you guys over 59 scoops of cbc. 60 scoops tho, may be a tough decision.

coming home everyday to pa, ma, en, buddy and most importantly my bed has been really really wonderful too. 

Being away has made me realized that Singapore is still home after all.

it's coming to the end of the semester and everyone's spirits seem a little more lifted and joyful in little ways. and there's less darkness that clouds conversations. i think it's because there is a recognition of how close we are to something - counting down to either going home or travelling or perhaps just the conclusion of a very long and draining semester. 

thanksgiving found us in new buffalo, michigan, 8 of us singaporeans drove an hour ish down to michigan and hung out for a bit. it was the most i have felt comfortable and almost completely relaxed and free from work and thoughts and the need to conform to anything american. being in nature is always amazing too.. i remember sitting atop one of the dunes, and feeling the winds, and watching the sand lift up off the ground, and having each of us being in our own space, yet also altogether. was really great. 

final crits are looming overhead:/ it'll be okay though. 

wishing you a wonderful week ahead :)

disconnected. i think is what encapsulates what i feel now.
from myself and my friends and home.
i visited a church, one that isn't the one i normally go to. and the pastor was talking about home
and he expanded on the concept of home
what it is
how it is elusive
i haven't talked to
the friends i've grown up with
and was the closest to in a long time
i missed calling a friend three times
because it slipped my mind
i didn't intend for it to
it happened
is it busyness
or being spacey
or the aftereffects of a really great roadtrip
i don't know
i'm going to remember to call her tomorrow

there's always the thought that
even if i don't get in contact or keep in touch
when we actually get together it'll be fine
and maybe it will
but it's different
from being in the same physical place
and seeing each other every couple of weeks or even days
perhaps we're all just
busy
with the lives we now lead
apart from each other
and it's not that
we have forgotten each other
it's just how it is
i think?
for now anyway. i don't
know

i don't really know where i'm going with this
i just had thoughts

happy thanksgiving:)

halfway through asian american art history, clare googled a home solution to get rid of gnats and told shelby they need to go to jewel-osco to pick up apple cider vinegar and suggest they hit up jenis too. shelby asked if i wanna come join. they live 40 minutes by train from where i live and i had  a huge portfolio with me a a roll of vellum. i said yeah, if they could wait for me to put my portfolio back. they gave two thumbsup. and clare said they could drive me back after too. shelby waited for us in the lobby after class and we all walked back to my dorm together. we got on the train after i put my stuff down. it was so crowded we were literally squished up against each other. it had been a long time since we have hung out together, i think with school and just life being difficult in general for each of us and i think we each process things pretty individually, so we haven't actually met up or hung out properly in a while. being in the same space was comforting. it had been a long day, and i wasn't feeling the most chatty, but it was hard not to chime in with clare and shelby being really sassy and wanting to add to the sass. it's hilarious. we could be a sitcom. 

we get to jeni's and clare tells us for the fifth time that night the new flavours they have. clare has been working for jeni's for a while now, and she loves it there and gets really excited about ice-cream. i mean given everyone gets excited about ice-cream, clare gets like extra excited. they had bramble berry crisp back, then new flavours of churros, dark chocolate peppermint, sweet potato pecan praline and lemon buttermilk frozen yogurt. don't they sound so great without even having to see them? lindsey, the manager of the southport branch was really sweet and chatted with clare for a while while getting us all the flavours we wanted to try. shelby got the lavender, the bramble berry and the lemon and i got the sweet potato, dark chocolate and lemon. clare paid before we could, it was sweet. we sat at the long table and shelby took cute photos of me and clare. and i took a couple of her and clare too. i just realised writing this that that's where we hung out at when we first got back from summer break. and then, clare hadn't gotten a job at jeni's yet. aw. feels. lindsey gave us conversational waffle pieces. shelby's question was about one of the hardest jobs you had to do. clare answered the question with a job that she didn't even do. lol. my question was which states we each had visited. we didn't really need the conversational topics at all lol. it was just cute to read them. we finish up our ice-cream and walk to jewel to pick up the apple cider vinegar. 

when we walked in the doors of jewel, it just smelt like christmas. they had these acorns that were cinnamon scented in the doorway and it just brought holiday feels. they were 5 bucks for a bag. i really wanted to get them but i didnt. we picked up the cider and headed back to their place. it was cold out, and this is really cheesy to say, but it didnt feel that cold walking together somehow. and the familiarity of being together again was just really nice, and something i had forgotten. i've just been piling my schedule with work, just because it's been pretty lonely as of late i think just with everyone being busy, and also not feeling up to hanging out or being with people i don't know if work or that came first but it all kind of is a jumbled mess, and also a very drama-filled semester of very high ups but also very low downs. and seeing friends struggle but being helpless is not a good feeling, and struggling to keep my own spirits up when the days get so short and the sunlight gets so little. seasonal affective disorder is real. stockin' up on those vitamin d pills. that just all kind of happened over the semester. 

but then again, because of being in the midst of these, these little intimate moments of peace and gladness with friends are very much more noticed, and treasured and precious - be it walking with shelby and clare, grabbing free food with ryan at international thanksgiving, window shopping with liz, being in a cuddle party on hope's bed with hope and farnaz, worshipping with tricia on the guitar in my room, walking back from class with jun, conversations with joseph, courtney reading me childrens' books as i print, portillo's with liv and morgan.. they are these quiet moments in the chaos that are very much more appreciated. 

we get back to their place, and we set up the vinegar bowls to catch the gnats. clare cleans out mulder's cage and let's mulder run around. he just goes to the back of the bed and hides. he's cute but such a scaredy pig. i hope he loves clare soon. we get into clare's car and she drives me back downtown. shelby puts on folk songs and they play. the drive is beautiful. and a peace that i haven't felt in a while just washed over me - the feeling of knowing that in spite of struggling, and so many times not wanting to be where i am, i am where i'm supposed to be, with friends whom i love, and who love me and that i am incredibly blessed. 

clare stops by the side of the road and i say have a good thanksgiving you guys, they say bye and i cross the street to 162. i head back to my room, and decide to be a grownup - change my sheets and get my laundry into the washing machines. a part of me wishes that i could go home too, and that home wasnt so far away. but then i think about how difficult it is to have friends leave even if it is just for a week, leaving home and familiarity and familiarity and the heat and humidity after winter break would be so much more emotionally challenging, which is why i decided i wasnt going to go home for the winter. and i think it's a good thing. the semesters pass so quick anyway.

happy thanksgiving. eat a lot.

*heaves a sigh? idk i have no title for this post*

i have an essay on globalization to write but it's taking me so long to work on it, i decided to come here and write instead. 

it's been a frustrating day, these couple of weeks in general have been. i don't think i'm taking care of myself well and i just figured out my exhaustion is probably a result of not drinking enough water. also probably just stress in general. it doesnt help too that my bed is right next to my desk and everytime i feel overwhelmed i just curl up in a ball on my bed which results usually in a 2-3 hour nap. that has been a frequent occurrence lately. and it has just made me very frustrated. but it's my own fault too, so. i'm figuring it out though, it'll be okay. 

clare invited shelby and me to have brunch with her parents cos they were visiting and drove her car up from georgia. i reached the station a little early and texted clare to ask if i should get a place at the restaurant. she replied that she was still in the meeting at work (she works at jeni's this ice cream place across from the station) and i said i'd wait for her. i then heard my name being called. and was surprised because no one in chicago would call me out you know. so i turned and i saw two people that looked familiar but did not immediately register. it took a while, but i finally realised they were clare's parents. it's odd, the kind of warmth that kinda just naturally filled my heart and being, the two people that love and care for a dear friend, and the way i know they would care and love me too (esp the way fred always comments on my photos with clare and say that we look like sisters and shelby looks like the adopted sister and how i'd text her mum telling her i'd teach clare chinese tho i really havent tried and i doubt my chinese is anywhere good enough to teach anyone it). they gave me hugs and i asked them how their drive was and little things like that. it was cute. 

clare came by a couple minutes after, and we headed to the restaurant where we wanted to eat. we met shelby and decided to hit up another place because there was a 30-40 minute wait. we ended up at this cute pizza/pasta place, that had rad halloween decoration, with the whole ceiling cobwebbed, and spiders and the whole deal. we got a huge salad, clare and her parents shared a deep dish, shelb got nachos and i got eggplant pasta. it was a really nice meal, and the feeling of being hm like in a family unit again was really sweet and pleasant and made me and shelby miss our families a lot. clare's parents are the sweetest and it's rly interesting to see how clare has traits from each of them. clare's mum is rly rly funny in the cutest way. after we ate, we walked to see clare's car just because shelby and me wanted to see her car. we both expected it to be blue or green somehow but it's actually white. they parked it in between these two rows of cute houses, and cos fall's now, all the leaves of the trees are kinda turning red and orange or brown and there were leaves everywhere and it was just a beautiful moment. i dont know if i romanticize things too much in my head. me and shelby said bye to them, and we headed to grab ice-cream at jeni's.

it was really nice catching up with shelby again. i can't remember the last time we hung out together. she's so sweet and real. and always comforting and encouraging in the way she speaks. we were really excited to get ice-cream. jeni's is always worth getting excited about. i tried the root beer because i hadnt tried it in a while. shelby tried the pistachio&honey. i ended up getting the blueberry frozen yogurt and the bourbon pecan in a cup and shelby got the milkiest chocolate and the pistachio in a cone. the last time we were at this jeni's together was when i just got back from summer break and was incredibly jetlagged and shelb clare n me hit up crosby's then jeni's. we caught up regarding what we were both working on and it was comforting to have someone affirm and validate that it's okay to not know what we are doing and that we were both struggling. and somehow struggling together made it okay and more bearable. but also then encouraging each other in our practices. we talked about home and friends a little too. and i'm always thankful for shelby and her company. 

we parted and i got on the brown line back to the loop. the train came and i kind of was standing in the middle of two carriages. and decided to board the one on the right. as i walked in, molly turned around and waved to me. molly's my ceramics TA. she has red hair, and a very pleasant disposition. we aren't super close/know each other really well or anything but i always enjoy chatting with her. we talked about school, and art making, and i asked her about her studying in london and what she did between undergrad and grad school. and idk. she's really down-to-earth and it was nice to have someone's company back on a train ride. and meetings like these always make me feel glad, i could have gotten onto the carriage on the left but i didn't. i could have not gotten jeni's with shelby, but i did. you know? would it be called serendipity? i dont know. i do art not english. jk. 

the rest of the day was just a humdrum of frustration at not being able to work, then attempting really hard to be focused. i'm trying i really am. so it's okay i guess. having the company of farnaz and hope in the room. conversation with hope about what we're doing in school, and stressing out together about how everyone seems to be doing internships and thinking about their future and talking about fall conference and our tensions about taking a break but having to be around people that we really will love it when it happens and be crazy and hyper together but at the moment seems daunting. and now jun's here too and he did a little victory skip and cheer just now which completely made my day when he helped hope successfully open a can of coconut oil. and i had a conversation with my dad/mum about some things that i was frustrated with and trying to figure out with myself/with them and their experience how to feel/process certain injustices and the realities of how the world is, yet how much should we be responsible/take action. it was just nice to be able to let my thoughts out with them. and i'm very glad i kept food from last night's dinner so i didn't need to cook and clean up today. and there's still more red velvet cake that tricia bought that i will definitely have later maybe with ice-cream. 

people are important, always have been and always will be. when everything gets overwhelming, the presence of certain people comes like breaths of fresh air. (i wanted that to be more poetic than it turned out to be but it'll have to do.)

i hope you find your own breaths of fresh air. (i wanted that to be more poetic than it turned out to be but it'll have to do.)

23 oct

it's been a pretty good semester so far i want to say, work is challenging enough to make me very uncomfortable, and awfully exhausted from struggling with new processes. i was stressed out about loading and unloading a kiln for a whole week even though i knew every step and it's really hard to mess it up honestly. i mean besides burning your face off. but i don't think that happens much. and reprinting 15 prints because i messed up the registration because i cant deal with precision. but it all worked out fine i am proud of my prints. sorry i was saying, make me very uncomfortable, but in a completely good way in that i feel like being pushed and challenged and it's great. 

there are days that get difficult, and there are many more days of missing home, and familiarity and knowing how to function as a human being in a familiar environment, and not having to think about how to say certain things in a different way such that people will understand me better, and the jokes i make (when i even make them) come out right or at least mildly funny, or just not fall flat (which they do sometimes. ask tri and jo and specifically during cards against humanity but thats with singaporeans. lets just say i have a unique sense of humor to put it nicely). but those days are usually peppered with things that pick it up. i'm going to make a list of today's:

i unloaded the kiln successfully

i took a really nice nap in sharp

hope made a sculpture with orange peels and oranges

courtney throwing oranges into jo's bag

i cooked myself a really nice meal - baby bok choy, mushroom soup and curry/tom yam fried rice

an hour nap that i didn't intend to take (yes i'm aware this is the second nap)

skyping my parents and dad being so triumphant about packing my room and needing constant validation of his achievement/ mum asking me all the questions she does and being so animated about everything she's saying

farnaz walking into the room halfway while i was calling my parents and going on a spiel that she didnt intend my parents to hear

red velvet cake tricia bought for me last night

red velvet cup cake farnaz baked

hope showing us her buys from village discount

seaweed/ i ate like 5 sheets today. i like the ones that dont have salt, the ones they make sushi with

calling shelby and catching up even if it was just for 10 minutes

evelyn saying she'll whatsapp me sunshine

everybody's fighting their own battles, and i think it's good to be conscious of that/ i need to be conscious of that.

have a wonderful weekend you

sending love to everyone back home