weight

i feel like i have been home for ever, not in a bad way, but i feel like i've fallen into the step of my life back home - feeling like i'm a part of the lives of friends i haven't met for months or some, years, feeling like i'm a part of family both immediate and extended, like my presence matters, feeling like i'm a part of the life i suppose i chose to leave behind every couple of months in pursuit of something 'better'. 

it's an odd feeling to feel like you have weight. like you matter. like your presence does make a difference. it seems pompous to say so, but i don't think it is. i think i'm proud of myself for realizing that i matter, like i can make a difference if i choose to do so, like things are different in the lives of my family and friends because i'm not around - not in a bad way, nor a good way, just different. the same as anyone else's life. i feel like it's become or maybe it's always been a thing to be invisible, or there's something enigmatic about just disappearing and not having anyone realize it, but i don't agree. i think it's overrated to be cool and sit in the background and not participate. because by virtue of the fact that you are human, you exist in relation to those around, you exist with family, with friends, with strangers, and by that alone, you have weight. and you matter.  you make a difference even if you choose not to participate because things would be different if you chose to participate. 

that is all i think. i have more thoughts but they aren't like coherent at all just a bunch of mush that i may write about another time. have a wonderful weekend you