about waste

waste generated collectively over time is really scary, and this isnt even the totality of it. im keeping all these for my students to make work with in the future.

been reading up a lot about waste management for a project I'm doing for school & trying to be more conscious about the things I throw away. I'm not one of those who has been particularly environmentally conscious, but I think making changes in little steps has always been how I do things. I'm just trying to 

1. think before I buy anything - do I really need it? can I make it? can I get it from someone else? 

2. think before I throw - can this be used again? can I generate other uses for it? can my students make art out of it in the future?

and it's not to say that I'm super green cos I don't think anyone would even call me that, and I still buy things I don't need or throw without thinking sometimes out of convenience, or moments that I can't be bothered, but I do want to take steps to be more conscious about how I can make a difference. And I really do think the little things add up!!! I encourage u to do the same too! Also it's really occured to me lately that it really takes time and a desire to research about the causes you are passionate about - and it's not easy, but it's very necessary if we want to make our world a better place!

wew, so i did manage to figure out how the print the repeat pattern which felt like a great success to me. i made a lengthy and rather boring tutorial about it, but if you're really trying to figure out the process i would say it's helpful, it's also up just so i don't have to go through the whole process of rediscovering how to do it again. rediscovery is only exciting the first few times, after that it just gets tiresome.

a lot has gone on in the world around us lately, with the murder of George Floyd by the police (& many others), and blacklivesmovement taking a forefront in social media which it rightly should - i think those of us who are privileged enough to learn about racism through education instead of experience, often when something is out of sight it's out of mind, yet it is our collective social responsibility to do our part for the communities around us/ the causes we feel for. for me it made me more conscious about what i was not doing, and how i was not actively engaged in being aware of the needs in my immediate community, and how i could make a difference. and that is something i want to be more conscious of. it made me think about teaching also, and shouldn't values of empathy, care, kindness be the forefront of our curriculum. this may be a stereotype, but in asian culture, i think there's a lot of things we take for granted that people should know about, and don't address issues head-on. i think race is one of them that we can make more prevalent in our education system, in acknowledging that while we have strived in our history to promote racial tolerance, we can still do better, and we need to do better than tolerance. a lot of microaggressions go unaddressed in schools, and perhaps in the past we lacked better language for it, but i don't think we should have any excuses to let any issues with regards to inequality slip us by, or be more important than the curriculum we are teaching. so what if our students grow up to have "good" jobs but lack understanding about privilege, and power, and empathy? it will only perpetuate injustice, especially if they are in positions of power. i think there are many resources out there, and we each need to do the work to educate ourselves, and engage in conversations with those around us too.  i think it starts there. a final thought is that i do think that the media is very dominated by the west, and there's a lot going on in the world that isn't just in the west too that do not get enough attention. we have to be active and discerning about the things we watch on tv, or the things that pop up on social media, and never let the easy access to information make us lazy that we stop thinking critically.

ok that's my incoherent spiel. i was gonna write about some other stuff but now i don't really remember what. i've had a couple conversations with shauna, an old friend, who now runs a plaform @cherished_official on instagram, and she has a telegram channel too. we have been talking about art, how we both got into it, and also what we are doing in the arts at the moment. She runs a platform and organises events that gather artists and art practitioners both from singapore and also in perth where she is currently based. she's been having various individuals on her instagram to talk about their practice. i've missed interacting with other artists, and it's been really refreshing talking to her. i think the way she approaches art is really beautiful, in that she hopes that anyone and everyone can approach in arts in a way that is comfortable to them, coming as who they are, into a space be it digital or physical that they can feel integrated into. she reaches out more to those who perhaps may not yet have much engagement in the arts, inviting them into spaces where they can experience the arts for themselves. the way she talked about her platform reminds me of how the arts moved me when i was younger, and why i engage in it still. for me, it's about connecting with both the world around us, as well as people around us - be it strangers, friends, family, and to experience a kind of stillness and awe that words may not be able to express. that's definitely not the only thing that art can do - art can also look like activism, or make political statements, or be satirical too, and serve many other functions. but my memory of being very moved, was standing before this huge piece of a beach, with many tiny people dotted on the sand, with the sea before them. and i felt that the artist perfectly captured the moment of feeling tiny amidst nature exactly the way i felt it. and that made me feel something in common with a total stranger from the other side of the world, someone whom i had never met or known, yet his work touched me.

anw, i guess that's it for today. writing's hard man.

processing

to report back as i promised, i unfortunately fell asleep from like 4pm-7pm haha. i had a massive headache.. i don't really know what the cause is but it had been around the whole day. so. i'm just someone who is so stressed out all the time, and pressure myself into doing so much. it's ridiculous. hahaha. i don't feel the ability to rest even though it's technically my break. 

so i've been trying to figure out how to print a repeated pattern using block printing. and in my head it just seemed so simple until i actually tried to do it then realised there were a bunch of problems. i was still explaining to clare really simply how it could be done. so i know how to do the pattern part, i just don't know how to register the block such that the patterns line up. i'm gonna do that today, and see how it goes. i love that about art though, that you learn through making. i do think our subjects in school need to be more integrated. as i was creating the tutorial video, i was thinking about how in learning about patterns through art, we could also talk about patterns in nature (science), number patterns (math), patterns/routines in society (history). i guess it's about how far we want to extrapolate a concept. i do feel that the way we learn now is still very exam-focused. 

i started a question booklet lately, where i just write down random questions that i think about, then research the answers once i have time. so things like "how did popcorn become a movie-going food?" or "what are smells?". i kinda want to do that with my students next time. i think genuine curiosity is so valuable, and it often gets lost amidst trying to learn things that the syllabus requires, instead of learning things children genuinely want to know.

 

we've been in circuit breaker for close to two months now! while it is necessary, it is starting to feel long, and the days have begun to melt into each other. i slept the whole day yesterday, giving myself the excuse of it being a public holiday, then i slept too much i got a headache, but just continued sleeping more. my aim today is to not become horizontal - so standing or sitting is fine, but not lying down. i will report back if im successful or not.

it's technically nie summer break for now. there have been multiple transitions over the past two years.

• 2018 was finishing college, then moving halfway across the world back home with all the stuff i accumulated over 4 years, healing from a breakup, then having some hiccups with my plans and waiting around for news, looking for and doing a job i didn't expect to be doing for a couple months, deciding whether to go into nie, or to teach for a year, beginning a new relationship
• 2019 taking on full-time teaching in a primary school (which i hadn't done in sg before), but making amazing new friends and colleagues, and realising that teaching is something i love to do though faced with also the realities and exhaustion of the job, then just as i got very comfortable, having to leave for nie in december
• 2020 starting classes in nie, getting used to being a student again but now with being a teacher in mind too, making more new friends, integrating new knowledge about teaching/art, then i guess this whole pandemic hahaha.

through it all, i think what has been very helpful has been the support of those around me - family, friends, colleagues, sometimes acquaintances and setting goals for myself but also not being too hard on myself. i think it's tempting to shut down, and try to deal with everything on your own, i've done so many many times. and yes, sometimes you need that time just to process, and to cry, or to not have anyone try to tell you what to do. but then after you have figured out what is good for you, what you need/what you don't, to be open to being in community again - letting people in, and also being there for others. 

haha i think some things that have kept me sane during this time was working out with alex, tricia and janine on fixed days of the week. it provided some structure, and accountability. also just having people you know you can rant to about anything/ everything and knowing they will be there for you is helpful. and also keeping myself accountable to certain goals i've set.

after telling janine some of my goals the other day, she asked me a simple but powerful question, "so what are you going to do tomorrow?" i felt like that helped me to make concrete decisions with my day. while lofty, big goals are great, carrying them out is always challenging. i've been trying to think each night my concrete goals for the next day and that has been helpful. 

i've also created this chart (alex inspired) to motivate myself with goals, and chart my emotions for the day. it's been helpful, just to see in writing what i had done or not done for the day.

i've been able to catchup with old friends from the states too, since it's easier to coordinate times when people are at home! 

i hope everyone is keeping healthy and well :) take care!

i took a drive today because i was just feeling extremely sluggish, and driving an exercise band over to tricia seemed justifiably productive. i dont really listen to music much, but i do like to when im in the car by myself. i'm pretty self-conscious about what i listen to because most of the time it isn't conventionally "good music". if i were to describe it, i think it would be soulful, folksy, songs to listen to on a road trip when your mind is somewhere else. haha. i'm not sure if that is an adequate description.

I was running through this playlist in the car on the 40 minute drive there and back, and came across a couple of songs i liked. but the list was on shuffle, i decided i'd go home and scroll through the playlist and find them again.

it's 2AM in the morning. i watched gone girl with bryan and had to watch another episode of some light hearted feel-good but not great tv to get over reeling from the movie. and i just had the urge to find one of the songs. the playlist isn't mine, and it's really really long. i remembered the name of the song pretty clearly and tried to search it but the song just wouldnt come up. i googled if you can see your history on spotify. apparently you can, but not on your phone. i was already in bed at this point, all tucked in. frustrated, i got up and turned my laptop on. i opened spotify but i think there was some issue with my connection and the page with the history wouldnt refresh. i did a dumb thing of quitting the app, which i didnt realise would wipe out the history. at this point i am like feeling a sense of loss.

long story short, i managed to find the song. and am currently listening to it on repeat.

i think that's what i fear - about memories that i have. that if i don't think about them enough, they'd just disappear.

if you're curious the song was you, me & the sea by green river ordinance. lol.

i thought of this memory tonight. it was after the second semester in the US. i wasn't supposed to return home, we were going to meet in london to spend some time as a family, before i headed back to chicago, and my family back to singapore. i remember my dad giving me very specific instructions on which station to meet them in london, and how exactly to get there from heathrow. i remember the whole train ride looking forward to seeing my family so much. i was extremely homesick. as usual, they were late, and i stood outside the station by myself, in anticipation of their arrival. i remember my mom running up to me to give me a big hug, and my sister and dad following shortly behind. my dad was beaming in his green turtleneck. the warmth that filled my heart in that moment is hard to describe in words.

those few years, i felt like i grew up so much. nobody really warns you when adulthood comes. the technical age is 21 i guess, but it hits you when it hits you.

turning 25

it's been really hot in singapore lately and it's just making me feel extremely sluggish and lethargic mostly. teaching assistantship started for our batch of nie students last week, where we go back to the school we did contract teaching at for a month. it was really nice being back, and welcomed by both the staff and students. it just felt like coming home. it didnt take long to settle back in, and it felt like i had never left.

that said, suddenly resuming teaching is also very exhausting, and my body has not gotten used to it yet. the ache in my legs on friday got me in bed before 10pm. it's always hard to feel like it's justified to rest, especially in the society we grow up in - where productivity is sometimes overly glorified. in order to be productive, one needs to be well-rested. i learnt this in therapy when i kept feeling guilty for taking breaks and not completing the tasks i had set out to do. my therapist said, sometimes all it takes is for you to give yourself permission to rest. that helps to assuage the guilt. i did that yesterday, and it was really nice just to be okay with doing nothing, and to sleep, and to spend time with my family.

i turn 25 today. it's a little crazy how fast time flies. I feel like time passes at a decent pace, until you hit like 20 and after that it just feels like you're chasing after it, half the time you don't know where it has gone. i stole my parents' anniversary when i was born. they have never bore a grudge against me though haha. since i was young it's always been more about my birthday than their anniversary. i do think that as you grow older, birthdays kinda just become another day. and personally, i don't feel the need to make a big deal about it. i love just spending time with my loved ones. we had dinner together at home, just the four of us (without the boys hahaha which i'm sure my dad was happy about), and lazed around watching tv. my sister and i tried to hide the cakes and bubble tea we bought for mom and dad respectively very well in the fridge. it's hard to hide anything from my mom because she knows her fridge inside out. but i think we did a pretty decent job. we surprised them and had cake, and watched a movie.

they insisted i stay awake till 12, though i was already half asleep. at 11.45pm, they said okay we'll spare you go and get your cake from the fridge. i was like you're really gonna make me get my own cake??? HAHA but went anyway. i felt like something was off. i was very cautious when going into the kitchen, and opened the fridge, but didn't see anything inside. i looked around the kitchen but there was nothing amiss. when i turned to look back in the fridge, bryan jumped out from behind the counter and i jumped. he was holding a bouquet from tiong bahru market (which is the only place i allow him to buy flowers from cos they are cheaper HAHA). my sister and parents laughed from the living room.

i'm very thankful for light and love, especially now when everything seems heavy. on friday i just felt like everything was too much. it's important that we are in touch with our emotions. it's okay not understand why we feel a little down sometimes, but it is important to take time for ourselves, and also for others. looking beyond ourselves at times helps keep the bigger picture in mind.

i hope everyone is keeping well, and drinking water, and thanking the people who are helping us to all keep safe.

I really enjoy driving home at night. my mom's speaker is kinda busted, so it kinda buzzes whenever there's a strong bass. I've gotten used to it though and it's rather comforting. the quiet of the night, the buzz of the speakers playing "all the great songs in one place" and the string of mundane thoughts I hardly realize I'm thinking. my mind's on overdrive almost perpetually, it's nice to have a break once in a while.

a friend sent me an illustration someone did with reward stickers for this period we are in. One of them was a reward for "limited exposure to social media". It does drain me to look at everything going on lately. Yet I know that it's a privilege too, to be able to take a step back from everything. Not everyone can do that. Everyone's trying to navigate the situation, I hope you are doing things to keep yourself sane and safe too.

The sister is back and the home feels right again. Dad laments about the living room being a mess, but I know he's secretly glad this is the case. Just being together is something I'm very thankful for.

everything is heavy lately, how are you letting light into your life? reading has helped me, and reaching out to friends, and hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel. soon.

processing

dad still drives me to school. whenever i'm in his car, i feel safe, protected from the world's evils. it started with my ankle being injured. but it's been a while now. at first it was supposed to be until i can walk, but now it has changed to when i can run and climb again.

 when do we become "grown-ups"? there are moments where i am incredibly responsible, can get a team together, organise some huge event. others, my mom asks me if i want fruits, and bring them to my room. the disparity between being the "boss" in the classroom, calming crying children down, and coming home and passing out next to my dog on the floor is kinda funny. i guess that's kinda nice though, that there isn't really a definite point in which you have to completely metamorphosise from a child to an adult. you can be both at various moments.

 just met sarah at breadyard, and it was nice. i'm very thankful for having friends whom we've walked through many pivotal moments in life together, and have stuck around. breadyard's grain bowls are very yummy!!! i remember in ib going to do a food test for the because joel knew the owner. there was this sheet of paper and we were to write our comments on their various sandwiches. the closest to a food critic i would get.

 nie gives me a lot of space to think. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but probably more good than bad. been reading a bit more both academic and also fiction just to break up the academic readings. been having conversations also about the trajectory of the rest of my life ahha. it's like school happens and your whole future is ahead of you, then "the whole future" part comes and you're like man, i thought i would have had a plan. then again, life has kind of always worked out to a certain extent. i know that is a privilege that I have also, not everyone has it going, and i am very appreciative and want to do what i can to make my community better in the small ways that i know how/don't know how but try. i don't think 25 is very old, but it does seem like a weird moment in time where people around me are all at different phases - some still in school, some engaged, others married with kids, most of us working but in various industries... it kinda reminds me of like when you are taking an exam, and you are midway through the paper and you look around - not to cheat, but just to get a sense of where everyone is at. especially if the paper is difficult - whether people have physical signs that they are struggling too, and if they do it makes you feel a little more comforted. or not even that, just to look around and get a sense of how you're doing. hm.

it's been a year since I've written on this space. I think I'm very conscious of what I write / who's reading this / constantly anticipating how I'm being perceived by others. I've always been very self-conscious - what's changed is what I choose to do with that though. Nowadays it's been more uncaring, perhaps that's not the right word, aware but choosing to behave as though I weren't hoping one day I'd not be so concerned what people think of me.

School has been pretty confusing and mentally draining. There's constant processing on what it means to be an educator, but it's kinda all up in the brain with no avenues for application. I do love all this thinking but I'm wondering where it'd all go. I do want to believe that all the thinking I've been doing would have some sort of innate subconscious impact on me, but I can't say for sure.

New environments are always hard to navigate, but I think I've found a version of self that I'm comfortable with at least for the moment.

I've been obsessed with Alexa Chung. I can't put a finger on why. Several reasons would be that I love the British accent and it's just kinda soothing to hear her speak, she's so quirky and lanky and awkward yet proud of it - it's refreshing, also she's just really gorgeous.

(i wrote this late 2019)

she held her french fry with a paper napkin, nibbling at it because it was "hot". she spoke with a slang, picked up from peppa pig probably, telling me about how louie was naughty, and rolled around on the ground, and how wei wei "shee-sheed" in class today. she sang about a penguin drinking tea, and laughed so loudly that everyone in the fast food joint looked at us. i bet they were jealous of her laughter, her not having a care in the world, and that i got to share that with her.

only a month and a half left at this school, and there's a mix of relief but also sadness.

(i wrote this i think early 2019)

it's not the big things you miss - not the huge road trips, or graduation, or things like that. It's the little ones. like seeing a glimpse of the riverwalk on a tv show, or hearing someone saying they're visiting chicago, that stirs up nostalgia, and a longing to be back in the place that was a second home. that said, it's not that being here isn't great - cos it is, it really is. i love being with my family, and having friends and a boyfriend that love me so much, and a great job. i am very grateful. it's just processing memories perhaps, and thinking about what to do with those.

when i think about the past four years, i think about the little things - those that seemed so mundane and insignificant at the points of their happening.

i think about
walking home after a long day of school, briskwalking because it's extremely cold out, but still being able to smile and a puppy on a walk, or a couple being happy on the streets, or drunk people doing dumb things.

i think about
going grocery shopping, and reminding myself that i should only buy enough, and not overstock my fridge because i will forget things and they expire and then there's unnecessary waste. but in the end, convincing myself i need all the things i put in my basket that is way too heavy. i then would proceed to try and shove half the things in my bag pack so the journey home is not too torturous.

i think about
being on the metra travelling out to the suburbs, or back from the suburbs - either looking forward to spending time with friends, or looking forward to being in my bed - hoping the night passes slowly, and 5am doesnt come too quickly.

i think about
walking the hallways in the elementary school i was teaching in, the kids waving to me, and being excited about art class.

i think about
working in the print studio way past midnight, cutting paper, washing or exposing my screens, printing, having conversations, or ordering in chi cafe food with other crazy art students.

i think about
laughing with the singaporeans on the train platform, huddling like penguins under the "toasters" (jo's affection term for the heaters), after climbing and dinner at the pho place, or chinatown, or all the other places we have deemed having good asian food. but some nights there's burger nights, or taco nights too.

i think about
hanging out in clare and shelby's apartment, trying to get mulder clare's guinea pig to love us, or having meals together, watching netflix, ranting about school or life, or both.

i think about
lunches in the parks with jen, lunches by the lake with alexa. conversations with them always lifted my spirits.

i think about
naps on my couch with steph, or dinners, or parties she helps make the playlist for.

i think about
gallery hopping with caro, going thriftshopping in wicker.