we just make and make and make work.
then what

what does happiness look like

i scroll through rows and rows of photos of couples laughing with each other, selfies, people looking happy with food, or snapshots with 'underprivileged' kids

i don't know what happiness looks like

i don't think happiness is captured on camera. not often anyway

happiness to me looks like 

     walking home from the studio after finishing a piece

happiness to me looks like 

     holding ezra up and making him laugh

happiness to me looks like

     sitting with two girls i have come to love so much in an ice-cream shop while it pours outside

happiness to me looks like

     tuesday nights listening to the genuine sharing of life and struggles and talking through them

happiness to me looks like

     slicing up ingredients and cooking a good bowl of noodles

happiness to me looks like 

     the moments we are present: present with each other; present with ourselves

we don't do that very much anymore

i am not very happy with life right now

so many tacos

just finished ta-ing for my last class yesterday. it was really bittersweet and i didn't really know how to feel after. or during. or before. i remember being really stressed out somehow - i don't think it was so much the preparation of things, or having to go to work, but i think it hadn't sunken in that i wouldn't see all these kids together in the same classroom again. and that's not a big thing. i mean it happens every end of the semester for every class, but maybe i just got possessive, i think it's the first class i have felt that is kind of 'mine' or, i had a part to play in making it the class it was. the students put up a really really great show, to see ten weeks of work up on the walls was so great. and having their parents come in, and listening to them share a little statement on their favorite pieces, and processes made me smile. they were so controlled and shy in front of a crowd of people, unlike their crazy selves in class. one of them came up to me after class to thank me for the note i wrote her and said she'll miss me too, it warmed my heart so much. the teacher i was working with was really great too, our working styles are pretty complementary so it was fun and classes ran smoothly. 

school's been incredibly incredibly stressful. i think finishing up the huge project i had been working on for fibers took a lot more out of me than i realised, and now i'm left with feeling the aftereffects of it, being really dysfunctional and perpetually tired. had really difficult conversations over the past few days that just took a lot out of me. there's no time for like, lazing around though, school keeps moving and it's the last three weeks and i really want to make it good. God sends people at just the right time though, i was speaking to a friend yesterday and sharing about feeling overwhelmed. and he didn't even like say anything (i mean he did after and reaffirmed my thoughts), but as i was speaking, somehow i was just reminded that God is bigger. and that He holds me. and that knowledge kinda just seeped into my being. i don't think it takes away the stress nor lessens any amount of work i have to do, but a sense of comfort and peace, and just knowing I am loved and embraced and cared for changed something in my spirit.

we celebrated ciel's birthday with tacos today too, c organized it, we got tacos with the rest of her friends, then clare shelby ciel and me went to southport jeni's to get ice-cream. i said we should go somewhere else cos sarah lauren and me were gonna hit it up tomorrow too, and i have been having way too much ice cream and shakes (if you follow me on snapchat: tingyannn you would know shameless snapchat promo, my snapchat game is pretty on point). but ciel was like no. i was glad we went tho. we took a walk back to clare and shelby's place, cos clare was sweet enough to drive us back to the loop. being out of the loop was wonderful. i feel like the buildings often feel like they're closing in on me, and there are wayy too many people out because it's getting warm out, and everyone is just trying to rush to get to school or to work or to do something, and it's just really stressful just being on the street alone. i dont think i realised till we were taking a stroll back to the apartment. and there was hardly anyone out. the weather was really really nice too, like singapore at night, but cooler and less humid. and it was just really pretty with good company. it made me miss walking home from the bus stop or the mrt back in singapore, and it's just the night, the moon and me. and that sense of peace and quiet is really beautiful, and i think something we often take for granted. we went back to clare and shelby's and ate from this bucket of lemon buttermilk that clare got from work. it was like more than a gallon of ice-cream apparently. like the size of the tub was massive. the idea of consuming the whole tub was scary, but also very doable. the drive back downtown was really nice. country music was playing (that's what you get when all your friends are from the south except shelby maybe not. ha. jk. but m i). i forget how pretty chicago is sometimes.

also other little things, like hanging out with sarah and lauren that one night when they were rushing a painting due the next day for core (ha), and just not really doing anything but being together, and hanging out with caro getting ramen, and fabric, and milkshakes, and napping while she weaved in my room, little things and friends keep me sane. and im immensely thankful to have found people that love me the way they do. 

hang in there y'all you got this.

wishing you a wonderful week ahead.

haphazard bits and pieces about emotions

told you i'd be back

i get really bad pms. i think recognizing that is important. for me. every few weeks, i get into this really bad place. friday night found me bawling for at least forty minutes very quietly in my bed, while my two roommates and roommate's boyfriend existed in the room simultaneously. it got to a point where i had way to much snot and had to get up and clean up. i walked very sheepishly past roommate's boyfriend and roommate to the bathroom. but perhaps too sheepishly to invoke all three of their anxious concern. they know me enough not to come anywhere near me or touch me but my phone lit up with three texts in the next hour. 

it's frustrating i suppose. i don't really know whether to give attention to the things i feel in those few days or not to, and the angst that the people around me have to put up with, i really appreciate them. people. not my angst. im an angsty person on a regular basis already for those who know me. hm. i don't really know what i am trying to say putting this up. but i think chemically, our body messes with our mental and emotional state more than we imagine. and mental health is often dismissed because it is seen as something that people are making up, but i saw an image today, asking someone why they are sad when they have no reason to be and comparing it to asking someone why they have asthma if they have all the air around them to breathe. somehow physical symptoms are often legitimized and recognized and pinpointed at, but when people don't see it, it is easy to be dismissive. i do think there is a point of the self needing to acknowledge and recognize and take ownership for one's own mental health and take steps in getting better, that there will be lapses, and there are days you just need to wallow, but like how someone with asthma will take steps to cope with the physical ailment, i think there needs to be an ownership for one's mental health too.

we were talking about repression in my poetry class a couple weeks back, and how there may exist subconscious or conscious repression, that result in the build up of energy that has no place to be released but culminates in at times unexplainable outbursts. and i think about the times when i have reacted really harshly or very disproportionately to the situation at hand. these situations are often namable.  it's much easier to be angry at something that can be identified and named, as compared to feeling unexplainable discomfort, or anxiety, or sadness toward something you feel like you have a semblance of but can't actually really describe in words, or in a way that people would understand. however, i think there still is a need to acknowledge these feelings, write them down, put them in a collage, or do something with them. perhaps there is no identifiable reason at this point in time. but i think that's okay. i think the important thing is to acknowledge them. and recognize them. im not asking you to have a pity party, or to be more emotional than you actually are, but simply, matter of factly, describing what you feel as you feel them. im not saying you're going to feel better after, nor is that going to solve anything, but i think it is important to be in tune with yourself and to listen to and care for yourself as you would for family or a friend.

i never know how to end a post. ha. that phrase reminds me of sam (one of my teachers), who started class saying "i never know how to start a class. like what do your other teachers do. do they just start talking?" and im like girl you been teaching for years now you doing fine. 

girl you been writing for years now im doing fine.

cactus is cute

so many things have happened since the last time i wrote on this space:

we drove to canada and back

i turned 21

i made some work that i think im proud of

got through a paper and presentation that literally gave me so much anxiety

worked a lot 

slept a little

everything is moving so fast, but also so slow. we had small group yesterday and i asked everyone to talk about two accomplishments, one disappointment for this semester, and one thing they are looking forward to during the summer. i said i think i've slowly become more familiar with what comes more naturally to me in my practice - the ideas that i am working with and the medium in which i feel most comfortable making work in and enjoy; feeling more assured in my calling to teach (though this is debatable at times but more or less) in enjoying saturday afternoons in columbus with a class of really brilliant ones that make me laugh a lot; not having the energy to properly interact and engage with people around me enough; going to the beach, being in the sun and seeing friends and family again. 

i think i've been slowly grasping how to take care of myself better to - not in any morbid or self-indulgent sense, but just like i dont know, i've realised that we dont take care of ourselves well enough. like we should. it's hard to be a nice functional human being that interacts well with others when you're not taking care of yourself. like just to eat properly, and sleep properly and to do things that you enjoy, and hang out with people that bring you life, and not suck the life out of you. little things like that i guess. 

someone said that my writing sounds like a self-help guide. i laughed. felt slightly insulted. but realised that it's kinda true. idk. tell me your thoughts. maybe.

gonna make a thankful list:

for struggling with failure, and realising failing is a lot of the time the best way to learn (o my god so much self-help someone help me). i've been struggling with screenprinting a lot, and making so many mistakes and spending way too much time in the studio, but i've also learnt so much. i remember at the start of the project i asked liz, "we're gonna print three yards for this test print?" and she was like "you're gonna learn a lot" and i was like okay. liz was right.

for friends that stick it through with me, and go out and eat umami or ramen with me when i say "let's go now"

it's rly hard to be thankful today aha. 

for cooking - cooking has been so incredibly therapeutic

and cake too

and frozen grapes

and wrapping my blanket around myself and being warm

and when the sun comes in through the blinds

im just gonna leave a couple photos here

kbye have a good week i'll write again eventually