2021 reflections

what moments were good?

• spending time with family
• spending time with Bry
• game nights
• when my lessons go well, time with my students
• finding friends @ work 
• first art show in sg

what moments were bad?

• growing/learning pains at my job
• struggling with mental health 
• being impulsive/reactive in my interactions with others both at work and in my personal life without properly considering consequences/processing my thoughts
• everyday life impacted by covid restrictions
• figuring out how to do my job well and balance my personal life, and giving myself permission to rest, constantly letting productivity define my worth
• figuring out friendships as more of us are going through different phases of life/ realising that what people need in a friendship differs from person to person and when those needs are not proportionate/ don't align, friendships drift. but i guess that's life right? doesn't make it hurt any less!

how did you grow as a person?

i think i've really pushed myself - in my job and applying for art showing opportunities. think in doing so i've also begun to be more aware of my limits

• friendships: choosing to invest in friendships that i value, supporting each other through new opportunities/transitions, recognising what i need in a friendship. 
• teaching: growing more as an educator - figuring out how to do my job well/ find a balance of rest and work, being shown my weaknesses too and painfully working through  my mistakes. constantly humbled and wanting to keep being better for my students
• artist: picking back up where i left off with my art practice. need to find my footing again and not make excuses for my lack of making/ motivation. gotta start somewhere. realising my lack of technical skill.

how would you have done things differently?

• prioritized my wellbeing more. i tend to lose myself when i am too invested in things e.g. my job/art/others and forget that i am not superhuman and can't be in many places at once/ can't be responsible for everything/ juggle that many responsibilities. the ripple effect of consequences is horrifying.
• be more conscious of what i consume/ put out - i could have been more positive/ be more conscious of my thought patterns

what are you grateful for?

• family, bryan, friendships, good colleagues
• grateful for feeling like what i'm doing with my life is meaningful/purposeful/gives me life
• climbing and my love for it and the community of climbers
• support from my loved ones to pursue what i love, and their belief in me

what can you learn more about to make yourself feel better?

• strategies to cope better with my anxiety
• writing down things that come to mind so i don't constantly ruminate
• routines when i end work so i don't keep bringing my mental stress/work stress home
• identifying sources of my anxiety when i get panic/anxiety attacks

• strengthening technical teaching abilities for art + learning from other teachers classroom management strategies and putting them into practice
• being more organised

• developing more awareness on how to market/ price my works/ gain more exhibition experience

goals/resolutions

• work on being less reactive - to process/ think before reacting
• think about the energy i'm putting out into the world/ the energy i'm surrounding myself with
• feel more in control at my job/ find my own working pace/style
• make more art!!
• spend less time on social media and be more present in life - "wherever you are, be all there".

wishing you a life-giving, fulfilling 2022!

sept hols 2021

it's been a while. kinda felt like i needed to type out whatever i did during the september holidays to justify to myself that i was productive and it wasn't a waste. this constant need to feel productive is pretty debilitating sometimes. i wonder if it's just the hustle culture of singapore or maybe it's just me. regardless, i am really thankful for the breather! school has been getting really hectic and the responsibilities that come with being a teacher can feel very overwhelming. i'm very thankful for the interactions with my colleagues and my students! and i love how everyday just brings about new challenges (only partially sarcastic hahaha).

i already started celebrating the break on wednesday night. 

wed:

• bryan and i went to visit baby jemma finally! i made a quilt for her.

thur:

• teachers' day celebrations in school
• the canteen was decorated really well! 
• a reminder of how the care and love and scoldings mean something to the kids hahaha.
• went for lunch with colleagues, then passed out at home because i was tired from the term

fri:

• checked out boulder planet with tricia (she had been there already). they had a one for one pass for teachers' day!
• new gym, new holds, new routes, new challenges, what's not to enjoy!
• the bus ride was long but enjoyable. i love looking out the window and not feeling like im in a rush to get anywhere
• managed to drink a cup of coffee in a leisurely manner too before the climb
• mun and bry came over that evening and we watched the staffroom, a zoom play put on by an ex-school mate of ours. it was interactive and fun.

sat:

• met bryan's parents to get him a new phone
• we went to visit baby micah too! i managed to finish the quilt for him only that night itself so it's still with me.
• he's so chubby and cute. he kept crying though when he was put down hahaha.
• went to bryan's grandma's place for dinner

sun:

• climbed again wuhuuu with tricia and jun at bff. checked out the transend routes!
• feel like im finally making some sort of progress in bouldering after plateauing for quite a while
• we had lunch together, we dapao-ed to my place because the hawker centre outside could only sit two by two
• went to my cousin's place where we had yakiniku! it was so much fun grilling the meat and eating a lot. it's always a great sunday when you don't have work the next day

mon:

• i worked unfortunately hahahaha. there's just so much work to catch up on.

tues:

• worked in the morning before climbing again again wuhuuu at b+ (thank you for the free climb!!!). i think the founder is an ex-pe teacher! yanni and fadli were there too, and jon and his colleague came along as well
• i haven't been to b+ in a while and was not used to how throwy/ pumpy the routes were
• my forearms were rock solid like half an hour in
• yanni and i headed to raffles city and we met the rest of our nie art batch for dinner (missing marie though!)
• we presented each other our grad certs for pgde over truffle fries at ps cafe. it was p cute.

wed:

• i can feel the midweek blues as i am typing this still haha how quick the holiday seemed to pass
• met delia and her kids at scape for breakfast at mcdonalds. 
• esterlyn was scared of the pigeons. i asked her why. she said she was afraid she would be eaten by them. i asked her if the beaks of the pigeons were big or small. she said small. i asked if she was big or small. she said big. i asked if she thought the beaks were big enough to eat her up, she said no. she kept repeating the logic to herself. hahaha it was so cute.
• i asked if she was still scared. she said yes. i said it is okay to be scared.
• she also exclaimed at some point that she is "very fresh!" i think that's why she was scared she might be eaten. HAHAHA. i laughed so hard.
• i also witnessed delia's toddler consume more food than my primary 1 kids. it was amazing.
• we bounced bounced bounced on the trampolines, and my time with them ended too quickly.
• i did work at starbucks and bought an overpriced hibiscus lemonade (ugh i hate how much i like it and am willing to pay for it) before heading to meet my ex-sec school prefect mistress at baker and cook at dempsey
• it was nice catching up with her. we talk on and off. i always find it interesting how conversations and relationships change over the years, as each person gains their own experiences, and change as individuals
• it made me really thankful for her mentorship over the years, and how we have still kept in touch. being a teacher now made me really appreciate what she has done/ is doing for her students/ the school, and how it is really not easy.
• oh! i also met sarry for dinner. there's this soba place i wanted to check out at paragon, it lived up to my expectations. we went to a bunch of children's toy shops to look for "medical" related toys. sarah is working with children's cancer foundation, and they use toys as a way to soothe or educate the children. her work is so meaningful. her presence is comforting as always, i'm thankful for our friendship over the years, from when we met as barely friends in a cafe to make art for a cellmate's birthday or something (when i used to go to church), all the way till now. thankful for how art has been a bridge for many of my relationships with others! she always helps me to see the beauty and gentleness of life in little ways that i often overlook, and reminds me of how kind the world can be sometimes.

thur + fri

• these days were set aside to celebrate my dad's birthday! we had a lot of good food. 
• on friday we did so much!
• we walked in sentosa, followed by lunch at chinatown and stocking up on my fabrics, then we headed to orchard so i could do my brows (my mom was looking for shoes too), followed by dinner at forum. really seems more like my birthday than his!
• i've watched how my parents also have grown as individuals over the years, and am ever so thankful for how they have always let us be who we wanted to be, and allowed us to struggle just enough and stepping in just when things get a little too much, and just been the best parents and done what they felt was best at the different points in our lives

sat

• monday blues started setting in. finished the chair with bryan in the morning, followed by being entranced by bohemian rhapsody. it was sooo good.
• he gymmed after, and i kinda just slept i think. 
• the parents and i went to suntec for dinner after because i would be too mopey just sitting around at home

sun

• back to regular climb at bff with jun. jon and his wife cristen came along too. i took it pretty chill. my fingers got pretty wrecked after climbing too much over the week
• headed to bryans place for lunch
• went for eddie's family/friends spin class at axiom. i really dislike spin, it's just not my thing. but it was nice seeing eddie in her zone. idk how she does so many things and is so incredibly productive constantly. hahaha. the music was good and it was nice (though a little odd) seeing people from mg that i hadnt seen in years.
• the drive with mun to her place was nice. i always take comfort in our conversations, and how we can talk about the most frivolous of things, but also the really important stuff
• the rest of the sunday i took to rest and prepare for the term ahead.

thankful for the break. not very ready to start the hustle again, but i guess that's just how things go right? 

about waste

waste generated collectively over time is really scary, and this isnt even the totality of it. im keeping all these for my students to make work with in the future.

been reading up a lot about waste management for a project I'm doing for school & trying to be more conscious about the things I throw away. I'm not one of those who has been particularly environmentally conscious, but I think making changes in little steps has always been how I do things. I'm just trying to 

1. think before I buy anything - do I really need it? can I make it? can I get it from someone else? 

2. think before I throw - can this be used again? can I generate other uses for it? can my students make art out of it in the future?

and it's not to say that I'm super green cos I don't think anyone would even call me that, and I still buy things I don't need or throw without thinking sometimes out of convenience, or moments that I can't be bothered, but I do want to take steps to be more conscious about how I can make a difference. And I really do think the little things add up!!! I encourage u to do the same too! Also it's really occured to me lately that it really takes time and a desire to research about the causes you are passionate about - and it's not easy, but it's very necessary if we want to make our world a better place!

wew, so i did manage to figure out how the print the repeat pattern which felt like a great success to me. i made a lengthy and rather boring tutorial about it, but if you're really trying to figure out the process i would say it's helpful, it's also up just so i don't have to go through the whole process of rediscovering how to do it again. rediscovery is only exciting the first few times, after that it just gets tiresome.

a lot has gone on in the world around us lately, with the murder of George Floyd by the police (& many others), and blacklivesmovement taking a forefront in social media which it rightly should - i think those of us who are privileged enough to learn about racism through education instead of experience, often when something is out of sight it's out of mind, yet it is our collective social responsibility to do our part for the communities around us/ the causes we feel for. for me it made me more conscious about what i was not doing, and how i was not actively engaged in being aware of the needs in my immediate community, and how i could make a difference. and that is something i want to be more conscious of. it made me think about teaching also, and shouldn't values of empathy, care, kindness be the forefront of our curriculum. this may be a stereotype, but in asian culture, i think there's a lot of things we take for granted that people should know about, and don't address issues head-on. i think race is one of them that we can make more prevalent in our education system, in acknowledging that while we have strived in our history to promote racial tolerance, we can still do better, and we need to do better than tolerance. a lot of microaggressions go unaddressed in schools, and perhaps in the past we lacked better language for it, but i don't think we should have any excuses to let any issues with regards to inequality slip us by, or be more important than the curriculum we are teaching. so what if our students grow up to have "good" jobs but lack understanding about privilege, and power, and empathy? it will only perpetuate injustice, especially if they are in positions of power. i think there are many resources out there, and we each need to do the work to educate ourselves, and engage in conversations with those around us too.  i think it starts there. a final thought is that i do think that the media is very dominated by the west, and there's a lot going on in the world that isn't just in the west too that do not get enough attention. we have to be active and discerning about the things we watch on tv, or the things that pop up on social media, and never let the easy access to information make us lazy that we stop thinking critically.

ok that's my incoherent spiel. i was gonna write about some other stuff but now i don't really remember what. i've had a couple conversations with shauna, an old friend, who now runs a plaform @cherished_official on instagram, and she has a telegram channel too. we have been talking about art, how we both got into it, and also what we are doing in the arts at the moment. She runs a platform and organises events that gather artists and art practitioners both from singapore and also in perth where she is currently based. she's been having various individuals on her instagram to talk about their practice. i've missed interacting with other artists, and it's been really refreshing talking to her. i think the way she approaches art is really beautiful, in that she hopes that anyone and everyone can approach in arts in a way that is comfortable to them, coming as who they are, into a space be it digital or physical that they can feel integrated into. she reaches out more to those who perhaps may not yet have much engagement in the arts, inviting them into spaces where they can experience the arts for themselves. the way she talked about her platform reminds me of how the arts moved me when i was younger, and why i engage in it still. for me, it's about connecting with both the world around us, as well as people around us - be it strangers, friends, family, and to experience a kind of stillness and awe that words may not be able to express. that's definitely not the only thing that art can do - art can also look like activism, or make political statements, or be satirical too, and serve many other functions. but my memory of being very moved, was standing before this huge piece of a beach, with many tiny people dotted on the sand, with the sea before them. and i felt that the artist perfectly captured the moment of feeling tiny amidst nature exactly the way i felt it. and that made me feel something in common with a total stranger from the other side of the world, someone whom i had never met or known, yet his work touched me.

anw, i guess that's it for today. writing's hard man.

processing

to report back as i promised, i unfortunately fell asleep from like 4pm-7pm haha. i had a massive headache.. i don't really know what the cause is but it had been around the whole day. so. i'm just someone who is so stressed out all the time, and pressure myself into doing so much. it's ridiculous. hahaha. i don't feel the ability to rest even though it's technically my break. 

so i've been trying to figure out how to print a repeated pattern using block printing. and in my head it just seemed so simple until i actually tried to do it then realised there were a bunch of problems. i was still explaining to clare really simply how it could be done. so i know how to do the pattern part, i just don't know how to register the block such that the patterns line up. i'm gonna do that today, and see how it goes. i love that about art though, that you learn through making. i do think our subjects in school need to be more integrated. as i was creating the tutorial video, i was thinking about how in learning about patterns through art, we could also talk about patterns in nature (science), number patterns (math), patterns/routines in society (history). i guess it's about how far we want to extrapolate a concept. i do feel that the way we learn now is still very exam-focused. 

i started a question booklet lately, where i just write down random questions that i think about, then research the answers once i have time. so things like "how did popcorn become a movie-going food?" or "what are smells?". i kinda want to do that with my students next time. i think genuine curiosity is so valuable, and it often gets lost amidst trying to learn things that the syllabus requires, instead of learning things children genuinely want to know.

 

we've been in circuit breaker for close to two months now! while it is necessary, it is starting to feel long, and the days have begun to melt into each other. i slept the whole day yesterday, giving myself the excuse of it being a public holiday, then i slept too much i got a headache, but just continued sleeping more. my aim today is to not become horizontal - so standing or sitting is fine, but not lying down. i will report back if im successful or not.

it's technically nie summer break for now. there have been multiple transitions over the past two years.

• 2018 was finishing college, then moving halfway across the world back home with all the stuff i accumulated over 4 years, healing from a breakup, then having some hiccups with my plans and waiting around for news, looking for and doing a job i didn't expect to be doing for a couple months, deciding whether to go into nie, or to teach for a year, beginning a new relationship
• 2019 taking on full-time teaching in a primary school (which i hadn't done in sg before), but making amazing new friends and colleagues, and realising that teaching is something i love to do though faced with also the realities and exhaustion of the job, then just as i got very comfortable, having to leave for nie in december
• 2020 starting classes in nie, getting used to being a student again but now with being a teacher in mind too, making more new friends, integrating new knowledge about teaching/art, then i guess this whole pandemic hahaha.

through it all, i think what has been very helpful has been the support of those around me - family, friends, colleagues, sometimes acquaintances and setting goals for myself but also not being too hard on myself. i think it's tempting to shut down, and try to deal with everything on your own, i've done so many many times. and yes, sometimes you need that time just to process, and to cry, or to not have anyone try to tell you what to do. but then after you have figured out what is good for you, what you need/what you don't, to be open to being in community again - letting people in, and also being there for others. 

haha i think some things that have kept me sane during this time was working out with alex, tricia and janine on fixed days of the week. it provided some structure, and accountability. also just having people you know you can rant to about anything/ everything and knowing they will be there for you is helpful. and also keeping myself accountable to certain goals i've set.

after telling janine some of my goals the other day, she asked me a simple but powerful question, "so what are you going to do tomorrow?" i felt like that helped me to make concrete decisions with my day. while lofty, big goals are great, carrying them out is always challenging. i've been trying to think each night my concrete goals for the next day and that has been helpful. 

i've also created this chart (alex inspired) to motivate myself with goals, and chart my emotions for the day. it's been helpful, just to see in writing what i had done or not done for the day.

i've been able to catchup with old friends from the states too, since it's easier to coordinate times when people are at home! 

i hope everyone is keeping healthy and well :) take care!

i took a drive today because i was just feeling extremely sluggish, and driving an exercise band over to tricia seemed justifiably productive. i dont really listen to music much, but i do like to when im in the car by myself. i'm pretty self-conscious about what i listen to because most of the time it isn't conventionally "good music". if i were to describe it, i think it would be soulful, folksy, songs to listen to on a road trip when your mind is somewhere else. haha. i'm not sure if that is an adequate description.

I was running through this playlist in the car on the 40 minute drive there and back, and came across a couple of songs i liked. but the list was on shuffle, i decided i'd go home and scroll through the playlist and find them again.

it's 2AM in the morning. i watched gone girl with bryan and had to watch another episode of some light hearted feel-good but not great tv to get over reeling from the movie. and i just had the urge to find one of the songs. the playlist isn't mine, and it's really really long. i remembered the name of the song pretty clearly and tried to search it but the song just wouldnt come up. i googled if you can see your history on spotify. apparently you can, but not on your phone. i was already in bed at this point, all tucked in. frustrated, i got up and turned my laptop on. i opened spotify but i think there was some issue with my connection and the page with the history wouldnt refresh. i did a dumb thing of quitting the app, which i didnt realise would wipe out the history. at this point i am like feeling a sense of loss.

long story short, i managed to find the song. and am currently listening to it on repeat.

i think that's what i fear - about memories that i have. that if i don't think about them enough, they'd just disappear.

if you're curious the song was you, me & the sea by green river ordinance. lol.