thoughts on aug 17, 2016

Is it lying on the floor in work clothes, while being sick, and scrolling through instagram is recipe for massive wave of self-pity? (this is singlish in case you’re wondering why my English doesn’t follow any grammar rules) self-pity is a horrible black hole that sucks up your soul and drains every unicorn sparkle in you. And it’s so easy to call a friend/stranger/random internet ranting person out on their self-pity but so hard to pull yourself out of it when you fall into it.

The past couple of weeks have just flown by without me knowing. Like time can you give me a headsup pls? but it’s okay. i think they have been nothing short of really many wonderful learning opportunities, both from work, but also more importantly the people that I’ve been catching up with and meeting.

I think coming back for summer and interning helps me to zoom out and really see the big picture, of why I study. I think in college, I often get so caught up in what is right before me, making work making work making work, fulfilling commitments, working for the sake of working, and I remember texting a close friend to sos at least twice, telling her, and meaning it, that I felt very empty and I didn’t really know why I was doing what I was doing. I remember the nights curled up on my bed crying myself to sleep, or the mornings where I didn’t know how to get up to go to school or to work, and so many ‘bad’ days, where nothing made sense and everything made me angry or frustrated. i often feel bad about feeling these things, because I know that I am privileged, so very privileged to be able to go to school, to study, to do the things I love. And I recognize that, and I am very grateful. However, im not dismissing my feelings either, because I know they stem from somewhere, and even if they do not logically make sense, there is a need to acknowledge them, and deal with them.

Coming home, and being in the teaching fraternity has just helped me to step back. Many steps back. And see the bigger picture of why I want to teach. That school isn’t just simply about me, about making good art, or getting into shows – yes it partly is, but it is also opportunities to learn about teaching, about interacting with the people around me, exchanging ideas, finding out more about the world, becoming a better person, growing more into my own skin, and picking up the skills too, that I can share with my students, contribute to the education system, make some sort of a difference, no matter how small. I was surprised by the kind of heart some of the teachers I interacted with had. The way they welcomed me into the fraternity even if I was just an intern. Im not saying there aren’t problems with the education system, or that everything is rosy, but I am saying that there are so many people with such big hearts, seeing the problems you and I see, and attempting to address them the best way they know how to.  Many essays can be written on facebook, comments, arguments back and forth, but the ones working to make a change work quietly, believing that change is being made, slowly but surely. But more so, with whatever present circumstance, giving so much of the heart and time to educate, to nurture, to love those put under their care. I have so so much more to learn, and to grow in. but I am excited and hopeful. I think im writing all these down here, so that in those moments of lapsing into doubt, or frustration, that I may be reminded to look beyond myself, and realise there is so much more.

I think something else that struck me lately too, was the way we perceive love. I don’t think I consciously realized it, but I think I always associated being loved with what you see on tv, or movies, or instagram posts – that look like hugs, or kisses, or gifts, and things you typically picture when you think ‘love’. But a conversation with a friend recently made me realise that often, in the everyday, love doesn’t always look so clean and perfect and typical. She shared with me how she jokingly asked her mom if she could sponsor one of her travels, with no intention of actually wanting her to, which led to a huge nagging session about how she wasn’t using her money properly, or where her money was going, leaving her pretty shocked and defeated, retreating to her room that night. The next morning, her mom left her some cash for her travels on her table. Love could look like the extra 10 – 15 minutes my sister lingers in my room after she takes her shower, and has a conversation with me, sometimes about nothing, sometimes about something. Love looks like parents telling me not to go out so much, so that I can have enough rest, or offering to send me to work despite it being my fault that I woke up late. Love looks like a friend being willing to have a difficult two-hour conversation with me over the phone because I was too caught up with myself to travel to where she was babysitting the next day due to an abrupt unforeseen change of plans, despite knowing that all I was going to say was hurtful, and out of anger, yet sitting it out anyway because she knew I needed to let it out. Love looks like someone distancing themselves from you because they know that it is healthier for the both of you to have space in the friendship, so that you can grow independently and be a healthier individual. Love looks like a friend calling me out on my flaws despite knowing that it is going to hurt me because he knows that it will benefit me in the long run. Love looks like a text asking you how your day went, even if they knew exactly what you did that day. Love doesn’t always look like love. But keep your eyes open, your senses conscious, you’ll realise it’s a lot more present than you think.

Lastly, just a simple way God spoke to me a couple days ago:

I wish you a wonderful week ahead. and a very good rest of the summer for those flying back for studies. :)

august sentiments

I walked up the stairs and saw winnie outside the library. I got really excited and shouted 'winnie chew!!!' it was really good to see her. she said the rest of the music people were having a meeting inside, but they couldn't eat inside so they were all coming out. i saw sandra walking out and shouted her name too. Her reaction was priceless!!! hehe she gave me a hug. me and Winnie laughed. (hello sandra i know you're secretly reading this) and then houw ping and agnes were also there :) houw ping was really smiley and sweet as usual and agnes was agnes HAHA. and it was so good to see them. To be greeted so excitedly by ex-colleagues made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. 

i've come to love the teaching fraternity. no organization is perfect, but the kind of heart so many of these individuals have, the way they love and care, and their excitement to learn, makes me want to be a better educator, and also a better learner too. 

I get nervous, about the immediate present - how to be ready to just pack up and leave again, familiarity, friends, solid ground; but being reminded and casting my eyes upward to the Lord, knowing that He has called me to teach, and looking forward and ahead to that, is comforting. i know He will carry me through, and the journey ahead will continue to be a wonderful one, with weird surprised and unexpected turns (God can be very funny sometimes) and hopefully many many people to hang out with and do life with, the constancy of His presence and His love will sustain me. 

something that I have been reminded of lately is, not to be afraid to ask for help, to seek support, to share and be accountable to those who love me. it's easy to not want to be a bother, or to want to solve everything by myself. yes, some parts of life you may walk alone, or you may need time away from people. but others, to let those who love you walk with you, allow them to call you out on your crap, edna-mode you when you need a bit of a waking up, but to always give you a hug afterwards, assuring you that things may not be easy, but they will be okay; to lend you their shoulders to lean on, their hands to hold, to cry with you, to laugh with you. and also, you with them. 

this is definitely me being sentimental, and i do struggle with not wanting to appear 'weak' or to need help from others, but the times when I've chosen to let friends in, I am ever so thankful and have been incredibly blessed (sarry i appreciate you a lot). 

here's to a good last 24 days in sg. wishing each of you a wonderful week ahead.

random thoughts

it's odd how an artists takes forever to create works. and i just scrolled through almost all her works within the past hour.

i rly like processed potato, esp from kfc

i keep convincing myself that i enjoy being alone. most of the time, i don't.

psalm 27 was comforting last night.

i rly want to make good work.

i need to take photographs for new work in chicago. there's so much i want to capture. all that banality. but also all that beauty in the everyday.

my thoughts are very very loud today.

mike chang's piece on his site where he photographed vegetables on cars made me laugh a lot (inside because the other intern sits opposite me i don't think she found it as funny as i did).

that thought made me think of how in cards against humanity nobody gets my humour. i still think the things i think are funny are funny.

dad is picking me up from work today. i'm very glad i don't have to take the train.

i still don't think i like tomatoes. i like them in like stuff. but not on their own. i thought i started liking them at some point. at least i eat them now.

a man got very angry in kfc today. i wonder if we need to get angry so much. im very angsty a lot of the time. i tried to stop once, but it didnt work.

i really want to learn how to dance.

i also need to rock climb more.

or have some form of hobby that isn't art.

oh i also need to go swimming.

i hope i get the job at school again next semester. i'm actually really looking forward to that.

the stars glowed gently in the night sky, the way they always do.

started work today. i always get so incredibly nervous before new things start/change happens. i couldnt do anything yesterday, i just curled up in a ball and slept and also watched elementary. today went okay though. it was nice to have my brain functioning again, asking questions, reading, processing material. 

i met amanda for dinner, and it was really nice catching up over tacos, and dessert. we talked about old friends, caught up with the things we were doing now, and shared with each other struggles we faced. the constancy of the faithfulness of God came through in our conversations so much, even through struggles, and uncertainty, the consistency was the way He provided, the way He moved through and around us. it doesn't mean we are perfect, nor that we deserve His love or favour, but that's the gift of His grace, and the constancy of His character. not to be taken for granted, most of the time so truly undeserved.

on the way home, i bumped into meiling, who happens to be studying in aussie with my cousin this whole past semester, and i didn't know till about a week ago when i saw her in his photos. and it's crazy how life brings us apart, then somehow back together. we've lived near each other for the longest time, but i hardly bump into her. we literally stood by the roadside and caught up for the next 15 minutes. i'm really glad she's doing well and sounds happy. there was something really heartwarming about the whole thing. 

i walked home with a smile on my face, the nerves from last night all gone, replaced by gratefulness, and gladness. i looked up, the stars glowed gently in the night sky, the way they always do. 

thoughts on a monday night

i wonder if humans will ever be satisfied. i feel like i look back on memories and tint them with nostalgia - making everything better than they were. i forget easily. i forget bad things easily, things that make me sad or uncomfortable, or feel any less than i should about myself. it is a defense mechanism, but i suppose it serves me well. i suddenly miss chicago, and am looking through photographs from the two years that i have been away, and those moments that have been captured are beautiful and wonderful. and it made my heart feel a little more full. and i wonder why can't i be satisfied wherever i am. in chicago, i miss singapore, and in singapore, i miss chicago. i wonder if our hearts will just always long for the things we don't have. and attempt to fill it. i picked up my journal from a year ago and read the entries inside - about being seasonally depressed, about fights with friends, about insecurities, about how i wasn't happy and this point or that. and the filter of nostalgia seemed to fade a little, and i began to remember a little better the reality of them. still great moments, just a little less idealistic. but perhaps it's even more so beautiful this way. and also a reminder of pulling through difficulties and trials and knowing that things do turn up eventually. there are moments that people disappoint, but also those that they surprise me beyond anything i can imagine, and are there for me when i didn't even know i needed them. 

taking time to slow down, and indulging myself in memories, and nostalgia, and having that little bit of courage to open an old journal and cringe as i read entries with such brutal honesty about things i felt, struggles, the same struggles again and again that keep resurfacing, i think i've grown. not a lot. but i have - in loving others a little better, in embracing life with greater courage and zest, in rushing a little less and breathing and taking in the view a little more, in loving and forgiving myself better too. i haven't been journalling much for fear of not wanting to actually pen down the things that run through my mind - how selfish i sometimes am, how some things are better forgotten, how i want to keep things clean and crisp and perfect. but i don't think that's how life works - it's the ugly, the difficult, the long and arduous moments that make the beautiful, the smooth, the joyous and momentous ones all the more significant. 

May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King 

You are beautiful in all your ways

i wish you a wonderful week ahead. :) 

sam

thirteen years :o

i sat with my childhood best friend in her bedroom today, and she pulled out notes from almost a decade ago, and we sat and talked. a sense of nostalgia washed over me as i walked in, a space so familiar, yet so distant in the past couple of years. i remember building forts with blankets, having sleepovers, birthday parties.. we got coffee, and caught up, and went to the playground, and had to give way to the kids who dominated the playground. we didn't belong there anymore. 

i think we have each found our place in seattle and chicago, learnt more about ourselves a little more, realised that we don't know everything, realised that we do know some things. we are different. but also the same.