Is
it lying on the floor in work clothes, while being sick, and scrolling through
instagram is recipe for massive wave of self-pity? (this is singlish in case
you’re wondering why my English doesn’t follow any grammar rules) self-pity is
a horrible black hole that sucks up your soul and drains every unicorn sparkle
in you. And it’s so easy to call a friend/stranger/random internet ranting
person out on their self-pity but so hard to pull yourself out of it when you
fall into it.
The
past couple of weeks have just flown by without me knowing. Like time can you
give me a headsup pls? but it’s okay. i think they have been nothing short of
really many wonderful learning opportunities, both from work, but also more
importantly the people that I’ve been catching up with and meeting.
I
think coming back for summer and interning helps me to zoom out and really see
the big picture, of why I study. I think in college, I often get so caught up
in what is right before me, making work making work making work, fulfilling
commitments, working for the sake of working, and I remember texting a close
friend to sos at least twice, telling her, and meaning it, that I felt very
empty and I didn’t really know why I was doing what I was doing. I remember the
nights curled up on my bed crying myself to sleep, or the mornings where I
didn’t know how to get up to go to school or to work, and so many ‘bad’ days,
where nothing made sense and everything made me angry or frustrated. i often
feel bad about feeling these things, because I know that I am privileged, so
very privileged to be able to go to school, to study, to do the things I love.
And I recognize that, and I am very grateful. However, im not dismissing my
feelings either, because I know they stem from somewhere, and even if they do
not logically make sense, there is a need to acknowledge them, and deal with
them.
Coming
home, and being in the teaching fraternity has just helped me to step back.
Many steps back. And see the bigger picture of why I want to teach. That school
isn’t just simply about me, about making good art, or getting into shows – yes
it partly is, but it is also opportunities to learn about teaching, about
interacting with the people around me, exchanging ideas, finding out more about
the world, becoming a better person, growing more into my own skin, and picking
up the skills too, that I can share with my students, contribute to the
education system, make some sort of a difference, no matter how small. I was
surprised by the kind of heart some of the teachers I interacted with had. The
way they welcomed me into the fraternity even if I was just an intern. Im not
saying there aren’t problems with the education system, or that everything is
rosy, but I am saying that there are so many people with such big hearts, seeing
the problems you and I see, and attempting to address them the best way they
know how to. Many essays can be written
on facebook, comments, arguments back and forth, but the ones working to make a
change work quietly, believing that change is being made, slowly but surely. But
more so, with whatever present circumstance, giving so much of the heart and
time to educate, to nurture, to love those put under their care. I have so so
much more to learn, and to grow in. but I am excited and hopeful. I think im
writing all these down here, so that in those moments of lapsing into doubt, or
frustration, that I may be reminded to look beyond myself, and realise there is
so much more.
I
think something else that struck me lately too, was the way we perceive love. I
don’t think I consciously realized it, but I think I always associated being
loved with what you see on tv, or movies, or instagram posts – that look like
hugs, or kisses, or gifts, and things you typically picture when you think
‘love’. But a conversation with a friend recently made me realise that often,
in the everyday, love doesn’t always look so clean and perfect and typical. She
shared with me how she jokingly asked her mom if she could sponsor one of her
travels, with no intention of actually wanting her to, which led to a huge
nagging session about how she wasn’t using her money properly, or where her
money was going, leaving her pretty shocked and defeated, retreating to her
room that night. The next morning, her mom left her some cash for her travels
on her table. Love could look like the extra 10 – 15 minutes my sister lingers
in my room after she takes her shower, and has a conversation with me,
sometimes about nothing, sometimes about something. Love looks like parents
telling me not to go out so much, so that I can have enough rest, or offering
to send me to work despite it being my fault that I woke up late. Love looks
like a friend being willing to have a difficult two-hour conversation with me
over the phone because I was too caught up with myself to travel to where she
was babysitting the next day due to an abrupt unforeseen change of plans,
despite knowing that all I was going to say was hurtful, and out of anger, yet
sitting it out anyway because she knew I needed to let it out. Love looks like
someone distancing themselves from you because they know that it is healthier
for the both of you to have space in the friendship, so that you can grow
independently and be a healthier individual. Love looks like a friend calling
me out on my flaws despite knowing that it is going to hurt me because he knows
that it will benefit me in the long run. Love looks like a text asking you how
your day went, even if they knew exactly what you did that day. Love doesn’t
always look like love. But keep your eyes open, your senses conscious, you’ll
realise it’s a lot more present than you think.
Lastly, just a simple way God spoke to me a couple days ago:
I wish you a wonderful week ahead. and a very good rest of the summer for those flying back for studies. :)
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