thanksgiving 2016

Everyone comes home tomorrow. I was watching the new season of Gilmore girls with en (not physically since she’s halfway across the world but you get what I mean), when I heard the card slot of the front door. I didn’t realise one of my roommates was coming home today. I was suddenly conscious of how I was sprawled out on the couch in the living room, my dinner plates unwashed from two hours ago, backpack tipped over on the floor. I had come to claim the apartment for my own these three days wow how has it been already three days?

It’s thanksgiving break and im supposed to have gone to ohio with some good friends. But literally a few hours before we were supposed to meet at the train station to pick up the car, I realized I just couldn’t do it. i love my friends, but I just feel like I hadn’t had time to breathe much or be alone this whole semester – with classes, and taking on too many jobs, and other commitments too (ha whats new really), and being away at fall conference last weekend gave me a lot to think about that I hadn’t had time to process and was just in a weird place in general. I think the last time I had a few days to myself, with myself, was when I went to boston for an moe conference. I remember hating it so much – being alone, and just being scared I think. I had just recently come to the states for college, and I remember I was supposed to go to the conference with jon but he said it was too much moving within the first few months of being in the states. Maybe he was right, but im glad I went and hated being alone, and thought I couldn’t travel by myself again. But looking back, I think I’ve grown a lot. Just as a person and being comfortable being who I am.

I spent Wednesday doing everything I felt “rest” entailed without actually resting: made pancakes for breakfast, then I took a walk to the beach next to navy pier, sat by it for a bit and sketched a little. Grabbed a bike, and cycled down to Lincoln park, took a bus to Avondale and climbed for two hours. In the midst of one of those activities I had a huge craving for ginseng chicken soup and yelped to find a place that had it. Albany park had one, it was pretty far from home, but only another 30 minutes from first ascent. It didn’t disappoint.

Thursday was spent watching ‘the fosters’ on Netflix, practically nonstop. I finally got up and changed and left the building to go to school I don’t know why I thought school would be open, bumped into cat along the way who told me it was closed, invited her to dinner with me and farnaz at my place that night. I cooked, while far and cat baked cookies. It was a rly tiny dinner but really comfortable and warm and I have missed farnaz (despite how much I hate admitting it). I miss coming home to her, and hearing her rant about everything, and also how we both are sometimes just quiet, and her presence is comforting. Cat was rly fun to hang out with too, we just sat around and ate and talked till they had to leave.

I woke up, made hot pancakes I made from Wednesday, and spent 11am-8pm in the studio, just working on a very labor-intensive print for part of a litho project. I really love being in the studio by myself. And also just not feeling like I have to rush to use the press, or to meet a deadline, or feel pressured to be doing something you know?

On the walk home tonight, I thought to myself, how nice it would be to just be a loner artist who travels from home to the studio, and studio to home, and occasionally go to the beach or do something else, and not interact with anyone. I laughed. I wouldn’t be able to survive that I don’t think. I love people, and having conversations, and hanging out with people. I think I just needed a break these few days. I wish I could have been in two places at once – with my friends but also by myself. But we haven’t reached that height of technology yet. I guess, I do still, you know one day wanna be making work, and being happy and satisfied, and loving what I do? Be it making art, or teaching or whatever I might find myself in. I texted dad and asked if I was crazy to spend a whole day of break working. I said I thought I was. He said nope it’s passion. I smiled. I think passion is a little bit of it, but also im just such a workaholic. But im thankful to be doing what I love I know not everyone gets to, and I shouldn’t take it for granted.

i had breakfast for dinner the other night with elena, it was fun. so was hanging out with courtney monday night when school got too much.

futility:

• the futility of the act of posting a letter when it gets returned
• the futility of walking to the lake to seek comfort but none was to be found. the waves seemed incredibly frustrated, the lakefront uninviting. i stood before the lake feeling like an intruder in a space where i usually sought comfort
• the futility of a walk to clear the mind only to find it much more cluttered
• the futility of romanticising the idea of a walk, when it is just a walk
• the futility of this blogpost

i need to not be here in this headspace

i bumped into larissa on the way to get groceries today. class wasnt the easiest yesterday, and both of us just checked in with each other if we were feeling better today. i think we both did. she said to treat myself this weekend in such seriousness as we parted, i thought i'd better ;)

i picked up pancake mix, syrup, jello, coffee ice-cream and coffee, detergent, soap refill, frozen corn, pork that i intend to freeze too, paid and headed home. the cold has hit, and my fingers were freezing carrying the bags. i got home, put everything away. i put on contacts and did my makeup for no particular reason. it had been a while though, that i've put in effort into not feeling like i just got out of bed, there's something therapeutic about doing my makeup somehow. i mean it doesnt have to be makeup, but just any process that prepares me for something - like the walk to school each morning, or the travelling to church on the train, or packing my bag for trips, or brushing my teeth before going to bed, or moving tables to a certain arrangement before starting class. i started working on folding my laundry, and packing up my room a little. my room often reflects the state of my being. i wonder if anyone is the same. it was an utter shithole. it's good now though. i laid on my floor for a good hour not doing anything. the thought of starting a weaving for fun came to me, and i wanted to act on it but i didnt.

i had lunch with jo before groceries too. it was really nice to catch up. i dont think i've properly talked to him in a while.

i eventually pulled myself off the floor, got dressed, and started heading to elena's. we were going to have breakfast for dinner and i was incredibly excited. i hadnt hung out with her in a while too. we talked about a lot. two years ago, i didnt think i would be able to share things as vulnerably/genuinely as i did tonight, and so many other times too. when God said He'd provide, He meant it. Perhaps not in the way i thought it would happen, but He knows best and i wouldnt have it any other way. interactions and exchanges and conversations with people have been so life-giving, encouraging and really beautiful.

speculating reasons for feeling lonely

i've been feeling lonely lately. i don't really know why. perhaps 

• school's so so busy and there's hardly time to hang out with people, nor do i have the energy to
• i just stopped working at the gallery and my time has opened up a lot more which is a good thing but i am also such a crazy brained person that perpetually doing something is the only way to keep me sane
• everyone's getting married lately and there's no one in sight really
• it's getting colder (tho today was hella hot)
• i've been realising my need to process my thoughts and feelings externally a lot more somehow perhaps i've always been this way and there somehow have been people around but lately maybe being more picky with who i talk to about things because i think i blab too much
• finally having the time to slow down, and realising i don't really know how to shut my brain up, or rest is kinda scary
• i'm missing (physically) distant friends a lot and we're all just shit at keeping in contact (except maybe rachel hehe)
• i havent been writing much i know i really need to
• maybe it's growing older, and i think we each think we become more self-sufficient - which maybe we do i'm not sure
• maybe it's just the weight of existence lol.

it's also november and time is flying by. i don't really have the concept of time under control now that school is broken up into semesters whereas all my life it's been a full year again and again and it's easier to keep track of time like that.