it's coming to the end of the semester and everyone's spirits seem a little more lifted and joyful in little ways. and there's less darkness that clouds conversations. i think it's because there is a recognition of how close we are to something - counting down to either going home or travelling or perhaps just the conclusion of a very long and draining semester. 

thanksgiving found us in new buffalo, michigan, 8 of us singaporeans drove an hour ish down to michigan and hung out for a bit. it was the most i have felt comfortable and almost completely relaxed and free from work and thoughts and the need to conform to anything american. being in nature is always amazing too.. i remember sitting atop one of the dunes, and feeling the winds, and watching the sand lift up off the ground, and having each of us being in our own space, yet also altogether. was really great. 

final crits are looming overhead:/ it'll be okay though. 

wishing you a wonderful week ahead :)

disconnected. i think is what encapsulates what i feel now.
from myself and my friends and home.
i visited a church, one that isn't the one i normally go to. and the pastor was talking about home
and he expanded on the concept of home
what it is
how it is elusive
i haven't talked to
the friends i've grown up with
and was the closest to in a long time
i missed calling a friend three times
because it slipped my mind
i didn't intend for it to
it happened
is it busyness
or being spacey
or the aftereffects of a really great roadtrip
i don't know
i'm going to remember to call her tomorrow

there's always the thought that
even if i don't get in contact or keep in touch
when we actually get together it'll be fine
and maybe it will
but it's different
from being in the same physical place
and seeing each other every couple of weeks or even days
perhaps we're all just
busy
with the lives we now lead
apart from each other
and it's not that
we have forgotten each other
it's just how it is
i think?
for now anyway. i don't
know

i don't really know where i'm going with this
i just had thoughts

happy thanksgiving:)

halfway through asian american art history, clare googled a home solution to get rid of gnats and told shelby they need to go to jewel-osco to pick up apple cider vinegar and suggest they hit up jenis too. shelby asked if i wanna come join. they live 40 minutes by train from where i live and i had  a huge portfolio with me a a roll of vellum. i said yeah, if they could wait for me to put my portfolio back. they gave two thumbsup. and clare said they could drive me back after too. shelby waited for us in the lobby after class and we all walked back to my dorm together. we got on the train after i put my stuff down. it was so crowded we were literally squished up against each other. it had been a long time since we have hung out together, i think with school and just life being difficult in general for each of us and i think we each process things pretty individually, so we haven't actually met up or hung out properly in a while. being in the same space was comforting. it had been a long day, and i wasn't feeling the most chatty, but it was hard not to chime in with clare and shelby being really sassy and wanting to add to the sass. it's hilarious. we could be a sitcom. 

we get to jeni's and clare tells us for the fifth time that night the new flavours they have. clare has been working for jeni's for a while now, and she loves it there and gets really excited about ice-cream. i mean given everyone gets excited about ice-cream, clare gets like extra excited. they had bramble berry crisp back, then new flavours of churros, dark chocolate peppermint, sweet potato pecan praline and lemon buttermilk frozen yogurt. don't they sound so great without even having to see them? lindsey, the manager of the southport branch was really sweet and chatted with clare for a while while getting us all the flavours we wanted to try. shelby got the lavender, the bramble berry and the lemon and i got the sweet potato, dark chocolate and lemon. clare paid before we could, it was sweet. we sat at the long table and shelby took cute photos of me and clare. and i took a couple of her and clare too. i just realised writing this that that's where we hung out at when we first got back from summer break. and then, clare hadn't gotten a job at jeni's yet. aw. feels. lindsey gave us conversational waffle pieces. shelby's question was about one of the hardest jobs you had to do. clare answered the question with a job that she didn't even do. lol. my question was which states we each had visited. we didn't really need the conversational topics at all lol. it was just cute to read them. we finish up our ice-cream and walk to jewel to pick up the apple cider vinegar. 

when we walked in the doors of jewel, it just smelt like christmas. they had these acorns that were cinnamon scented in the doorway and it just brought holiday feels. they were 5 bucks for a bag. i really wanted to get them but i didnt. we picked up the cider and headed back to their place. it was cold out, and this is really cheesy to say, but it didnt feel that cold walking together somehow. and the familiarity of being together again was just really nice, and something i had forgotten. i've just been piling my schedule with work, just because it's been pretty lonely as of late i think just with everyone being busy, and also not feeling up to hanging out or being with people i don't know if work or that came first but it all kind of is a jumbled mess, and also a very drama-filled semester of very high ups but also very low downs. and seeing friends struggle but being helpless is not a good feeling, and struggling to keep my own spirits up when the days get so short and the sunlight gets so little. seasonal affective disorder is real. stockin' up on those vitamin d pills. that just all kind of happened over the semester. 

but then again, because of being in the midst of these, these little intimate moments of peace and gladness with friends are very much more noticed, and treasured and precious - be it walking with shelby and clare, grabbing free food with ryan at international thanksgiving, window shopping with liz, being in a cuddle party on hope's bed with hope and farnaz, worshipping with tricia on the guitar in my room, walking back from class with jun, conversations with joseph, courtney reading me childrens' books as i print, portillo's with liv and morgan.. they are these quiet moments in the chaos that are very much more appreciated. 

we get back to their place, and we set up the vinegar bowls to catch the gnats. clare cleans out mulder's cage and let's mulder run around. he just goes to the back of the bed and hides. he's cute but such a scaredy pig. i hope he loves clare soon. we get into clare's car and she drives me back downtown. shelby puts on folk songs and they play. the drive is beautiful. and a peace that i haven't felt in a while just washed over me - the feeling of knowing that in spite of struggling, and so many times not wanting to be where i am, i am where i'm supposed to be, with friends whom i love, and who love me and that i am incredibly blessed. 

clare stops by the side of the road and i say have a good thanksgiving you guys, they say bye and i cross the street to 162. i head back to my room, and decide to be a grownup - change my sheets and get my laundry into the washing machines. a part of me wishes that i could go home too, and that home wasnt so far away. but then i think about how difficult it is to have friends leave even if it is just for a week, leaving home and familiarity and familiarity and the heat and humidity after winter break would be so much more emotionally challenging, which is why i decided i wasnt going to go home for the winter. and i think it's a good thing. the semesters pass so quick anyway.

happy thanksgiving. eat a lot.

*heaves a sigh? idk i have no title for this post*

i have an essay on globalization to write but it's taking me so long to work on it, i decided to come here and write instead. 

it's been a frustrating day, these couple of weeks in general have been. i don't think i'm taking care of myself well and i just figured out my exhaustion is probably a result of not drinking enough water. also probably just stress in general. it doesnt help too that my bed is right next to my desk and everytime i feel overwhelmed i just curl up in a ball on my bed which results usually in a 2-3 hour nap. that has been a frequent occurrence lately. and it has just made me very frustrated. but it's my own fault too, so. i'm figuring it out though, it'll be okay. 

clare invited shelby and me to have brunch with her parents cos they were visiting and drove her car up from georgia. i reached the station a little early and texted clare to ask if i should get a place at the restaurant. she replied that she was still in the meeting at work (she works at jeni's this ice cream place across from the station) and i said i'd wait for her. i then heard my name being called. and was surprised because no one in chicago would call me out you know. so i turned and i saw two people that looked familiar but did not immediately register. it took a while, but i finally realised they were clare's parents. it's odd, the kind of warmth that kinda just naturally filled my heart and being, the two people that love and care for a dear friend, and the way i know they would care and love me too (esp the way fred always comments on my photos with clare and say that we look like sisters and shelby looks like the adopted sister and how i'd text her mum telling her i'd teach clare chinese tho i really havent tried and i doubt my chinese is anywhere good enough to teach anyone it). they gave me hugs and i asked them how their drive was and little things like that. it was cute. 

clare came by a couple minutes after, and we headed to the restaurant where we wanted to eat. we met shelby and decided to hit up another place because there was a 30-40 minute wait. we ended up at this cute pizza/pasta place, that had rad halloween decoration, with the whole ceiling cobwebbed, and spiders and the whole deal. we got a huge salad, clare and her parents shared a deep dish, shelb got nachos and i got eggplant pasta. it was a really nice meal, and the feeling of being hm like in a family unit again was really sweet and pleasant and made me and shelby miss our families a lot. clare's parents are the sweetest and it's rly interesting to see how clare has traits from each of them. clare's mum is rly rly funny in the cutest way. after we ate, we walked to see clare's car just because shelby and me wanted to see her car. we both expected it to be blue or green somehow but it's actually white. they parked it in between these two rows of cute houses, and cos fall's now, all the leaves of the trees are kinda turning red and orange or brown and there were leaves everywhere and it was just a beautiful moment. i dont know if i romanticize things too much in my head. me and shelby said bye to them, and we headed to grab ice-cream at jeni's.

it was really nice catching up with shelby again. i can't remember the last time we hung out together. she's so sweet and real. and always comforting and encouraging in the way she speaks. we were really excited to get ice-cream. jeni's is always worth getting excited about. i tried the root beer because i hadnt tried it in a while. shelby tried the pistachio&honey. i ended up getting the blueberry frozen yogurt and the bourbon pecan in a cup and shelby got the milkiest chocolate and the pistachio in a cone. the last time we were at this jeni's together was when i just got back from summer break and was incredibly jetlagged and shelb clare n me hit up crosby's then jeni's. we caught up regarding what we were both working on and it was comforting to have someone affirm and validate that it's okay to not know what we are doing and that we were both struggling. and somehow struggling together made it okay and more bearable. but also then encouraging each other in our practices. we talked about home and friends a little too. and i'm always thankful for shelby and her company. 

we parted and i got on the brown line back to the loop. the train came and i kind of was standing in the middle of two carriages. and decided to board the one on the right. as i walked in, molly turned around and waved to me. molly's my ceramics TA. she has red hair, and a very pleasant disposition. we aren't super close/know each other really well or anything but i always enjoy chatting with her. we talked about school, and art making, and i asked her about her studying in london and what she did between undergrad and grad school. and idk. she's really down-to-earth and it was nice to have someone's company back on a train ride. and meetings like these always make me feel glad, i could have gotten onto the carriage on the left but i didn't. i could have not gotten jeni's with shelby, but i did. you know? would it be called serendipity? i dont know. i do art not english. jk. 

the rest of the day was just a humdrum of frustration at not being able to work, then attempting really hard to be focused. i'm trying i really am. so it's okay i guess. having the company of farnaz and hope in the room. conversation with hope about what we're doing in school, and stressing out together about how everyone seems to be doing internships and thinking about their future and talking about fall conference and our tensions about taking a break but having to be around people that we really will love it when it happens and be crazy and hyper together but at the moment seems daunting. and now jun's here too and he did a little victory skip and cheer just now which completely made my day when he helped hope successfully open a can of coconut oil. and i had a conversation with my dad/mum about some things that i was frustrated with and trying to figure out with myself/with them and their experience how to feel/process certain injustices and the realities of how the world is, yet how much should we be responsible/take action. it was just nice to be able to let my thoughts out with them. and i'm very glad i kept food from last night's dinner so i didn't need to cook and clean up today. and there's still more red velvet cake that tricia bought that i will definitely have later maybe with ice-cream. 

people are important, always have been and always will be. when everything gets overwhelming, the presence of certain people comes like breaths of fresh air. (i wanted that to be more poetic than it turned out to be but it'll have to do.)

i hope you find your own breaths of fresh air. (i wanted that to be more poetic than it turned out to be but it'll have to do.)

23 oct

it's been a pretty good semester so far i want to say, work is challenging enough to make me very uncomfortable, and awfully exhausted from struggling with new processes. i was stressed out about loading and unloading a kiln for a whole week even though i knew every step and it's really hard to mess it up honestly. i mean besides burning your face off. but i don't think that happens much. and reprinting 15 prints because i messed up the registration because i cant deal with precision. but it all worked out fine i am proud of my prints. sorry i was saying, make me very uncomfortable, but in a completely good way in that i feel like being pushed and challenged and it's great. 

there are days that get difficult, and there are many more days of missing home, and familiarity and knowing how to function as a human being in a familiar environment, and not having to think about how to say certain things in a different way such that people will understand me better, and the jokes i make (when i even make them) come out right or at least mildly funny, or just not fall flat (which they do sometimes. ask tri and jo and specifically during cards against humanity but thats with singaporeans. lets just say i have a unique sense of humor to put it nicely). but those days are usually peppered with things that pick it up. i'm going to make a list of today's:

i unloaded the kiln successfully

i took a really nice nap in sharp

hope made a sculpture with orange peels and oranges

courtney throwing oranges into jo's bag

i cooked myself a really nice meal - baby bok choy, mushroom soup and curry/tom yam fried rice

an hour nap that i didn't intend to take (yes i'm aware this is the second nap)

skyping my parents and dad being so triumphant about packing my room and needing constant validation of his achievement/ mum asking me all the questions she does and being so animated about everything she's saying

farnaz walking into the room halfway while i was calling my parents and going on a spiel that she didnt intend my parents to hear

red velvet cake tricia bought for me last night

red velvet cup cake farnaz baked

hope showing us her buys from village discount

seaweed/ i ate like 5 sheets today. i like the ones that dont have salt, the ones they make sushi with

calling shelby and catching up even if it was just for 10 minutes

evelyn saying she'll whatsapp me sunshine

everybody's fighting their own battles, and i think it's good to be conscious of that/ i need to be conscious of that.

have a wonderful weekend you

sending love to everyone back home

i forget to be grateful sometimes.

a very dear friend of mine reminded me to write down one thing im thankful for each day.

today,
i am thankful that i wore flip flops and a dress to class despite temperatures being 15 degrees celcius/60 fahrenheit lately
because i expected to stay in class the whole day
but paola announced that we were going on a field trip to the conservatory
i am thankful i wore flip flops
because i got to run in the muddy grass
and feel the cold damp muddiness on my feet
that was lovely.
it made some part of me feel alive
and really happy.
i took off my flip flops to let my feet dry
and i stood on the edge of the lily pond.
the water was still, like a dark sheet of glass
i could see myself in it.

i am thankful
and pleasantly surprised
that art and working, is still a form of therapy
and escape and it's a wonderful feeling
to be focused on making pieces
be it kneading clay
or registering prints
or making marks on paper with plants and soil

i am thankful.
what are you thankful for today?:)

idkhowtobeahumanbeing. idkhowtobeafriend.

how do we sit around and talk about art for 6 hours and critique each others' pieces for 6 hours.
art school is weird.
i love it
but it's weird.

i hope you have a wonderful weekend filled with sunshine and happy thoughts and love and everything lovely under the sun.

There are times like these - when i truly miss home. more so the people at home (i would not like to be in the haze rn God bless all of you). i'm sitting by the lake right now and today's such a beautiful day. i just walked past someone that looks like sis kassey and missed her suddenly. i remember the first time we met for lunch at bukit timah market. i didn't talk much. and it was pretty awkward. she tried really hard though. i just sat there drinking my juice and eating my food, remembering rebecca loh telling me that's the way to go when i felt awkward. 

that was 6 years ago i think. there was just a moment today i wished that she was walking by the lake with me, and we'd sit and talk and catch up for an hour or two (and if she could have brought evan, her newborn with her that would have been amazing). it's not that i want people to physically be here? i mean i do, but not like live here. it would be cool if they could just pop by when we wanted to hang out, then pop back home when we were done. but i suppose technology isnt there yet. 

distance is good though. distance is good once in a while. it has taught me to be intentional in spending time with people and catching up with people. and to have time for myself too. lately it's just been very claustrophobic i think. and i've appreciated time alone a lot. be it in my room watching netflix for hours, or walks to and from class, the times i get the room to myself, the ten minutes before family group sweeping up the place and making it seem as though i am a really neat person ha (they will find out eventually though, it's family group. but first impressions still count. i did the dishes. it was great). 

i do appreciate people still. i really do. and always will. and so much of me finds joy in connecting. and being with people. it just takes an immense amount of energy. more so than it did maybe 3 years ago? but it's okay. there are people that say there's no such thing as balance. but i think there is. and i think it's important to find that for yourself. there will definitely be moments when the scale is tilted to one side and seems like it'll stay that way - to the extremes of being humanly exhausted by other humans or perhaps humanly exhausted by my own isolation. but then there are also those few times when it feels as though all's good. and i can do life. and i'm glad and excited. those are greatly preferred. and i guess it'll just take time to learn to navigate that. and a lot of patience with myself and others, and forgiveness and grace too. and all in all, always remembering that it is okay to struggle. completely okay. but then also knowing when it's time to get yourself together and know that His strength will carry me through regardless of how weak i feel. and that He is enough for me. 

i'm really thankful for friends that keep me sane. i'm gonna stop here because clare doesn't like affection.

i hope you have a wonderful weekend filled with sunshine and happy thoughts and love and everything lovely under the sun.

sometimes i like the internet.

HA YOU LOOK LIKE A PANGSAI i do too but ha. it's funny. hi woman.

"it's supposed to be ironic (as in looking like a lian)."

am skyping en right now and she just left to pee. (wait for it i'm actually telling you this for a reason and it's not a random anecdote about her bladder control) i just suddenly feel alone, not in a bad way but in a sense that, just that 2 minutes ago, when i was talking to her, it felt like she was just across from me, and i forgot that we are halfway across the world from each other. it's so insane how hearing her voice just closes up the physical distance in between. 

the internet is at times really gr8. at times.

one of the better days

(disclaimer: lengthy post describing my day feel free to skip to the photos at the bottom)

today was one of the better days since coming back to chicago. i have a thing about being displaced. i take a while to settle back into the routine of things, and i wouldn't say it has been an easy time i suppose. but today was good. 

met shelby and clare in the morning at california on the blue line. clare wanted to go to this thing called 'bead buffet'. i had no clue what it was i thought she had a typo and meant bread buffet, but it was actually a bead buffet. and no you don't actually eat beads. the weather was crap this morning when i woke up though, like the sky was pissing on us, as it had been the past few days and it was cold and wet which is never nice. but the time i met them, the clouds had started to clear a little, and the sun was coming up a bit. it made me glad. the bead buffet was at this really cute shop called tusk chicago, and i heard from paige later tonight that the owner of the shop is actually a nurse, and she has the shop on the side. so we walk in and on this huge white table are a ton of really pretty ceramic beads that was truly a feast to the eyes (ha buffet). we looked at the beads for a really long time and decided whether we were going to actually make necklaces. shelby convinced me and clare to, but she didn't. that's how good of a salesperson she is. i wasnt going to initially, but i saw this piece that i couldn't part with. it was this rectangular piece, that was a very nicely glazed ultramarine blue, not all over though, a fifth from the bottom of the bead was left a raw taupe. we chose the beads we wanted and waited for noel, the artist to help us string them together. she was so sweet. she and clare have the same fibers teacher, and they were spazzing about her. and noel told us about how it's crazy how she is now friends with her teachers from saic, and how she cat sits for them, and hangs out with them and things like that. it's always encouraging to see artists from school in action and so excited about the things they do. we were gonna get food after and shelby asked if they had any recommendations. mike, noel's collab partner, said we should hit up this place called dante which has good pizzas. noel finished stringing up our necklaces, and we thanked them and made our way to the pizza place. 

the sun had really come up now and the sky was this perfect blue that was amazing. there was a moment where the clouds all came together, and it was just a bright blue above, and then a solid split by the white of the clouds. it was really pretty. it got warmer too. the pizza place was just a small place in the corner that was pretty dimly lit. clare and shelby got a slice of cheese each and i got the slice of the day which was this really good mushroom, spinach and roasted peppers one. we all got cokes. i feel like i hadnt seen shelby and clare in a while (though it's likely only been a day or two but they really are the happy in my life lately and not seeing them for a while always feels like a long time) and it was nice to just hang out. we parted ways after, they were headed to riot fest, and i headed back to the dorms where i passed out for like two hours.

i needed to get groceries and probably needed to just get out of the dorms for a bit, i threw on sweatpants, and a hoodie and a cap to protect the world from my hideous hair, and headed down to the lobby. jubilee said she'd come. i told her not to dress so nicely cos i looked like crap. she texted back 'too late' cos she'd been out earlier. and i was like crap. HAHA. she came down looking stunning in a cute green trench and i think a black skirt, a dark red lip and really cute black boots. i was like thanks. she looked at me and laughed. i let her. i caught up with her a little about school and things, and we lugged all our groceries back. it's always nice to have company for mundane errands.

i was putting away the stuff i bought when paige texted to ask if i wanted to check out the openings happening at west loop. i was intending to work on my drawings that are due tuesday, but i hadn't properly hung out with her one on one yet, and i've wanted to so i said why not. she said she'd meet me in the loop in a bit. i threw on better clothes lol. and started slowcooking porridge that i wanted to have for breakfast for the next few days, also clearing out the meat in my fridge before i'm supposed to attempt to be pescaterian while clare attempts to be vegan. 

i met paige and we headed to the galleries together. i havent properly gallery hopped since i got to chicago (which is crazy considering i've been at art school for a whole year, it's just that crowds scare me and openings have people, many people. also, perhaps just plain laziness, and also no one to go with at times), and it was really exciting seeing works, and i appreciated having other people around. it just added to the atmosphere of the galleries, and i think it kind of makes the art come alive too, and not just have them sit in a white box. we bumped into acquaintances here and there, and it was nice to catch up or at times just say hi to people i hadnt seen since the semester started. we hit up the galleries along washington boulevard. there were these 5 galleries that were all in the same building on the first and the second floor. i loved this piece by jessica stockholder, the colours were just brilliant and the way she used material and how she put them together was interesting and engaging. 

we headed back down to the first floor, and i somehow think it's something divine that i decided we should hit up the second floor first cos when we entered the first floor gallery and started walking around, i saw elisabeth heying and taylor hughes! and it was just a pleasant surprise. i hadnt seen elisabeth in the longest time since she graduated so the whole of summer and the new semester - and seeing her is always comforting somehow. she gave me a huge hug. we caught up a little bit, and it's so exciting to hear that she's enjoying the things she's doing and i'm really glad for her. walking down to the other galleries, i was just thankful for the people i've come into contact with over the past year - i've truly been blessed by the opportunity to meet amazing, driven individuals that are really motivated and are so confident in the things they do. and are just beautiful human beings in general. and i was just thankful. 

we hit up a couple other galleries after, then decided to get dinner. paige and i had really good conversations along the way, and i realised we were much more similar than i had known - in terms of the way we function as people, and think. and also i think the struggles in our faith that we face too were similar. it was just comforting to hear that i wasn't alone in the things that i thought and struggled with. we spent like probably at least an hour and a half to two hours at chinatown, and ate a lot, by a lot i mean a lot. of chicken fried rice. along with baby bok choy and egg rolls. it was a very full meal. but the fried rice was so good. paige's invitation to gallery hopping together was very timely.

i feel like God always sends the right people at the right time to remind me of how He provides, and how He is there for me, and i'm not walking life alone. and i'm very blessed and immensely thankful. 

the pretty blue sky

the table of beads and behind the scenes of shelb's insta

the pretty necklace noel strung together for me

with noel

pizza and my weird friends

light

this isn't an art piece i just found it funny how many holes were made by people trying to stick the papers back into the gallery walls

jessica stockholder

scott reeder

danielle tegeder

oops i cant rmb who this was but it was at three walls

how beautiful the sky was

oh also, i wrote a song a couple days ago:

Your Love Is For Us (Original)

I'll take you where the waters are

I'll take you where the sun comes up each day

We’ll go away from the city so far

Hold my hand wont you stay

We’d drive for hours

Won’t stop till the road comes to an end

Whatever comes our way we won’t fear

Take the wheel lead the way

And we know that You are for us

And none can ever be against us

Let it be known through all the nations

How wide how long how high how deep

Your love is for us

We sing

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Lord You reign

have a wonderful week ahead you. sending hugs.