There are times like these - when i truly miss home. more so the people at home (i would not like to be in the haze rn God bless all of you). i'm sitting by the lake right now and today's such a beautiful day. i just walked past someone that looks like sis kassey and missed her suddenly. i remember the first time we met for lunch at bukit timah market. i didn't talk much. and it was pretty awkward. she tried really hard though. i just sat there drinking my juice and eating my food, remembering rebecca loh telling me that's the way to go when i felt awkward.
that was 6 years ago i think. there was just a moment today i wished that she was walking by the lake with me, and we'd sit and talk and catch up for an hour or two (and if she could have brought evan, her newborn with her that would have been amazing). it's not that i want people to physically be here? i mean i do, but not like live here. it would be cool if they could just pop by when we wanted to hang out, then pop back home when we were done. but i suppose technology isnt there yet.
distance is good though. distance is good once in a while. it has taught me to be intentional in spending time with people and catching up with people. and to have time for myself too. lately it's just been very claustrophobic i think. and i've appreciated time alone a lot. be it in my room watching netflix for hours, or walks to and from class, the times i get the room to myself, the ten minutes before family group sweeping up the place and making it seem as though i am a really neat person ha (they will find out eventually though, it's family group. but first impressions still count. i did the dishes. it was great).
i do appreciate people still. i really do. and always will. and so much of me finds joy in connecting. and being with people. it just takes an immense amount of energy. more so than it did maybe 3 years ago? but it's okay. there are people that say there's no such thing as balance. but i think there is. and i think it's important to find that for yourself. there will definitely be moments when the scale is tilted to one side and seems like it'll stay that way - to the extremes of being humanly exhausted by other humans or perhaps humanly exhausted by my own isolation. but then there are also those few times when it feels as though all's good. and i can do life. and i'm glad and excited. those are greatly preferred. and i guess it'll just take time to learn to navigate that. and a lot of patience with myself and others, and forgiveness and grace too. and all in all, always remembering that it is okay to struggle. completely okay. but then also knowing when it's time to get yourself together and know that His strength will carry me through regardless of how weak i feel. and that He is enough for me.
i'm really thankful for friends that keep me sane. i'm gonna stop here because clare doesn't like affection.
i hope you have a wonderful weekend filled with sunshine and happy thoughts and love and everything lovely under the sun.
No comments:
Post a Comment