august sentiments

I walked up the stairs and saw winnie outside the library. I got really excited and shouted 'winnie chew!!!' it was really good to see her. she said the rest of the music people were having a meeting inside, but they couldn't eat inside so they were all coming out. i saw sandra walking out and shouted her name too. Her reaction was priceless!!! hehe she gave me a hug. me and Winnie laughed. (hello sandra i know you're secretly reading this) and then houw ping and agnes were also there :) houw ping was really smiley and sweet as usual and agnes was agnes HAHA. and it was so good to see them. To be greeted so excitedly by ex-colleagues made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. 

i've come to love the teaching fraternity. no organization is perfect, but the kind of heart so many of these individuals have, the way they love and care, and their excitement to learn, makes me want to be a better educator, and also a better learner too. 

I get nervous, about the immediate present - how to be ready to just pack up and leave again, familiarity, friends, solid ground; but being reminded and casting my eyes upward to the Lord, knowing that He has called me to teach, and looking forward and ahead to that, is comforting. i know He will carry me through, and the journey ahead will continue to be a wonderful one, with weird surprised and unexpected turns (God can be very funny sometimes) and hopefully many many people to hang out with and do life with, the constancy of His presence and His love will sustain me. 

something that I have been reminded of lately is, not to be afraid to ask for help, to seek support, to share and be accountable to those who love me. it's easy to not want to be a bother, or to want to solve everything by myself. yes, some parts of life you may walk alone, or you may need time away from people. but others, to let those who love you walk with you, allow them to call you out on your crap, edna-mode you when you need a bit of a waking up, but to always give you a hug afterwards, assuring you that things may not be easy, but they will be okay; to lend you their shoulders to lean on, their hands to hold, to cry with you, to laugh with you. and also, you with them. 

this is definitely me being sentimental, and i do struggle with not wanting to appear 'weak' or to need help from others, but the times when I've chosen to let friends in, I am ever so thankful and have been incredibly blessed (sarry i appreciate you a lot). 

here's to a good last 24 days in sg. wishing each of you a wonderful week ahead.

random thoughts

it's odd how an artists takes forever to create works. and i just scrolled through almost all her works within the past hour.

i rly like processed potato, esp from kfc

i keep convincing myself that i enjoy being alone. most of the time, i don't.

psalm 27 was comforting last night.

i rly want to make good work.

i need to take photographs for new work in chicago. there's so much i want to capture. all that banality. but also all that beauty in the everyday.

my thoughts are very very loud today.

mike chang's piece on his site where he photographed vegetables on cars made me laugh a lot (inside because the other intern sits opposite me i don't think she found it as funny as i did).

that thought made me think of how in cards against humanity nobody gets my humour. i still think the things i think are funny are funny.

dad is picking me up from work today. i'm very glad i don't have to take the train.

i still don't think i like tomatoes. i like them in like stuff. but not on their own. i thought i started liking them at some point. at least i eat them now.

a man got very angry in kfc today. i wonder if we need to get angry so much. im very angsty a lot of the time. i tried to stop once, but it didnt work.

i really want to learn how to dance.

i also need to rock climb more.

or have some form of hobby that isn't art.

oh i also need to go swimming.

i hope i get the job at school again next semester. i'm actually really looking forward to that.

the stars glowed gently in the night sky, the way they always do.

started work today. i always get so incredibly nervous before new things start/change happens. i couldnt do anything yesterday, i just curled up in a ball and slept and also watched elementary. today went okay though. it was nice to have my brain functioning again, asking questions, reading, processing material. 

i met amanda for dinner, and it was really nice catching up over tacos, and dessert. we talked about old friends, caught up with the things we were doing now, and shared with each other struggles we faced. the constancy of the faithfulness of God came through in our conversations so much, even through struggles, and uncertainty, the consistency was the way He provided, the way He moved through and around us. it doesn't mean we are perfect, nor that we deserve His love or favour, but that's the gift of His grace, and the constancy of His character. not to be taken for granted, most of the time so truly undeserved.

on the way home, i bumped into meiling, who happens to be studying in aussie with my cousin this whole past semester, and i didn't know till about a week ago when i saw her in his photos. and it's crazy how life brings us apart, then somehow back together. we've lived near each other for the longest time, but i hardly bump into her. we literally stood by the roadside and caught up for the next 15 minutes. i'm really glad she's doing well and sounds happy. there was something really heartwarming about the whole thing. 

i walked home with a smile on my face, the nerves from last night all gone, replaced by gratefulness, and gladness. i looked up, the stars glowed gently in the night sky, the way they always do. 

thoughts on a monday night

i wonder if humans will ever be satisfied. i feel like i look back on memories and tint them with nostalgia - making everything better than they were. i forget easily. i forget bad things easily, things that make me sad or uncomfortable, or feel any less than i should about myself. it is a defense mechanism, but i suppose it serves me well. i suddenly miss chicago, and am looking through photographs from the two years that i have been away, and those moments that have been captured are beautiful and wonderful. and it made my heart feel a little more full. and i wonder why can't i be satisfied wherever i am. in chicago, i miss singapore, and in singapore, i miss chicago. i wonder if our hearts will just always long for the things we don't have. and attempt to fill it. i picked up my journal from a year ago and read the entries inside - about being seasonally depressed, about fights with friends, about insecurities, about how i wasn't happy and this point or that. and the filter of nostalgia seemed to fade a little, and i began to remember a little better the reality of them. still great moments, just a little less idealistic. but perhaps it's even more so beautiful this way. and also a reminder of pulling through difficulties and trials and knowing that things do turn up eventually. there are moments that people disappoint, but also those that they surprise me beyond anything i can imagine, and are there for me when i didn't even know i needed them. 

taking time to slow down, and indulging myself in memories, and nostalgia, and having that little bit of courage to open an old journal and cringe as i read entries with such brutal honesty about things i felt, struggles, the same struggles again and again that keep resurfacing, i think i've grown. not a lot. but i have - in loving others a little better, in embracing life with greater courage and zest, in rushing a little less and breathing and taking in the view a little more, in loving and forgiving myself better too. i haven't been journalling much for fear of not wanting to actually pen down the things that run through my mind - how selfish i sometimes am, how some things are better forgotten, how i want to keep things clean and crisp and perfect. but i don't think that's how life works - it's the ugly, the difficult, the long and arduous moments that make the beautiful, the smooth, the joyous and momentous ones all the more significant. 

May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King 

You are beautiful in all your ways

i wish you a wonderful week ahead. :) 

sam

thirteen years :o

i sat with my childhood best friend in her bedroom today, and she pulled out notes from almost a decade ago, and we sat and talked. a sense of nostalgia washed over me as i walked in, a space so familiar, yet so distant in the past couple of years. i remember building forts with blankets, having sleepovers, birthday parties.. we got coffee, and caught up, and went to the playground, and had to give way to the kids who dominated the playground. we didn't belong there anymore. 

i think we have each found our place in seattle and chicago, learnt more about ourselves a little more, realised that we don't know everything, realised that we do know some things. we are different. but also the same. 

6 of us, 1 apartment, a lot of songs, one very good night.