processing

to report back as i promised, i unfortunately fell asleep from like 4pm-7pm haha. i had a massive headache.. i don't really know what the cause is but it had been around the whole day. so. i'm just someone who is so stressed out all the time, and pressure myself into doing so much. it's ridiculous. hahaha. i don't feel the ability to rest even though it's technically my break. 

so i've been trying to figure out how to print a repeated pattern using block printing. and in my head it just seemed so simple until i actually tried to do it then realised there were a bunch of problems. i was still explaining to clare really simply how it could be done. so i know how to do the pattern part, i just don't know how to register the block such that the patterns line up. i'm gonna do that today, and see how it goes. i love that about art though, that you learn through making. i do think our subjects in school need to be more integrated. as i was creating the tutorial video, i was thinking about how in learning about patterns through art, we could also talk about patterns in nature (science), number patterns (math), patterns/routines in society (history). i guess it's about how far we want to extrapolate a concept. i do feel that the way we learn now is still very exam-focused. 

i started a question booklet lately, where i just write down random questions that i think about, then research the answers once i have time. so things like "how did popcorn become a movie-going food?" or "what are smells?". i kinda want to do that with my students next time. i think genuine curiosity is so valuable, and it often gets lost amidst trying to learn things that the syllabus requires, instead of learning things children genuinely want to know.

 

we've been in circuit breaker for close to two months now! while it is necessary, it is starting to feel long, and the days have begun to melt into each other. i slept the whole day yesterday, giving myself the excuse of it being a public holiday, then i slept too much i got a headache, but just continued sleeping more. my aim today is to not become horizontal - so standing or sitting is fine, but not lying down. i will report back if im successful or not.

it's technically nie summer break for now. there have been multiple transitions over the past two years.

• 2018 was finishing college, then moving halfway across the world back home with all the stuff i accumulated over 4 years, healing from a breakup, then having some hiccups with my plans and waiting around for news, looking for and doing a job i didn't expect to be doing for a couple months, deciding whether to go into nie, or to teach for a year, beginning a new relationship
• 2019 taking on full-time teaching in a primary school (which i hadn't done in sg before), but making amazing new friends and colleagues, and realising that teaching is something i love to do though faced with also the realities and exhaustion of the job, then just as i got very comfortable, having to leave for nie in december
• 2020 starting classes in nie, getting used to being a student again but now with being a teacher in mind too, making more new friends, integrating new knowledge about teaching/art, then i guess this whole pandemic hahaha.

through it all, i think what has been very helpful has been the support of those around me - family, friends, colleagues, sometimes acquaintances and setting goals for myself but also not being too hard on myself. i think it's tempting to shut down, and try to deal with everything on your own, i've done so many many times. and yes, sometimes you need that time just to process, and to cry, or to not have anyone try to tell you what to do. but then after you have figured out what is good for you, what you need/what you don't, to be open to being in community again - letting people in, and also being there for others. 

haha i think some things that have kept me sane during this time was working out with alex, tricia and janine on fixed days of the week. it provided some structure, and accountability. also just having people you know you can rant to about anything/ everything and knowing they will be there for you is helpful. and also keeping myself accountable to certain goals i've set.

after telling janine some of my goals the other day, she asked me a simple but powerful question, "so what are you going to do tomorrow?" i felt like that helped me to make concrete decisions with my day. while lofty, big goals are great, carrying them out is always challenging. i've been trying to think each night my concrete goals for the next day and that has been helpful. 

i've also created this chart (alex inspired) to motivate myself with goals, and chart my emotions for the day. it's been helpful, just to see in writing what i had done or not done for the day.

i've been able to catchup with old friends from the states too, since it's easier to coordinate times when people are at home! 

i hope everyone is keeping healthy and well :) take care!

i took a drive today because i was just feeling extremely sluggish, and driving an exercise band over to tricia seemed justifiably productive. i dont really listen to music much, but i do like to when im in the car by myself. i'm pretty self-conscious about what i listen to because most of the time it isn't conventionally "good music". if i were to describe it, i think it would be soulful, folksy, songs to listen to on a road trip when your mind is somewhere else. haha. i'm not sure if that is an adequate description.

I was running through this playlist in the car on the 40 minute drive there and back, and came across a couple of songs i liked. but the list was on shuffle, i decided i'd go home and scroll through the playlist and find them again.

it's 2AM in the morning. i watched gone girl with bryan and had to watch another episode of some light hearted feel-good but not great tv to get over reeling from the movie. and i just had the urge to find one of the songs. the playlist isn't mine, and it's really really long. i remembered the name of the song pretty clearly and tried to search it but the song just wouldnt come up. i googled if you can see your history on spotify. apparently you can, but not on your phone. i was already in bed at this point, all tucked in. frustrated, i got up and turned my laptop on. i opened spotify but i think there was some issue with my connection and the page with the history wouldnt refresh. i did a dumb thing of quitting the app, which i didnt realise would wipe out the history. at this point i am like feeling a sense of loss.

long story short, i managed to find the song. and am currently listening to it on repeat.

i think that's what i fear - about memories that i have. that if i don't think about them enough, they'd just disappear.

if you're curious the song was you, me & the sea by green river ordinance. lol.

i thought of this memory tonight. it was after the second semester in the US. i wasn't supposed to return home, we were going to meet in london to spend some time as a family, before i headed back to chicago, and my family back to singapore. i remember my dad giving me very specific instructions on which station to meet them in london, and how exactly to get there from heathrow. i remember the whole train ride looking forward to seeing my family so much. i was extremely homesick. as usual, they were late, and i stood outside the station by myself, in anticipation of their arrival. i remember my mom running up to me to give me a big hug, and my sister and dad following shortly behind. my dad was beaming in his green turtleneck. the warmth that filled my heart in that moment is hard to describe in words.

those few years, i felt like i grew up so much. nobody really warns you when adulthood comes. the technical age is 21 i guess, but it hits you when it hits you.