processing

dad still drives me to school. whenever i'm in his car, i feel safe, protected from the world's evils. it started with my ankle being injured. but it's been a while now. at first it was supposed to be until i can walk, but now it has changed to when i can run and climb again.

 when do we become "grown-ups"? there are moments where i am incredibly responsible, can get a team together, organise some huge event. others, my mom asks me if i want fruits, and bring them to my room. the disparity between being the "boss" in the classroom, calming crying children down, and coming home and passing out next to my dog on the floor is kinda funny. i guess that's kinda nice though, that there isn't really a definite point in which you have to completely metamorphosise from a child to an adult. you can be both at various moments.

 just met sarah at breadyard, and it was nice. i'm very thankful for having friends whom we've walked through many pivotal moments in life together, and have stuck around. breadyard's grain bowls are very yummy!!! i remember in ib going to do a food test for the because joel knew the owner. there was this sheet of paper and we were to write our comments on their various sandwiches. the closest to a food critic i would get.

 nie gives me a lot of space to think. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but probably more good than bad. been reading a bit more both academic and also fiction just to break up the academic readings. been having conversations also about the trajectory of the rest of my life ahha. it's like school happens and your whole future is ahead of you, then "the whole future" part comes and you're like man, i thought i would have had a plan. then again, life has kind of always worked out to a certain extent. i know that is a privilege that I have also, not everyone has it going, and i am very appreciative and want to do what i can to make my community better in the small ways that i know how/don't know how but try. i don't think 25 is very old, but it does seem like a weird moment in time where people around me are all at different phases - some still in school, some engaged, others married with kids, most of us working but in various industries... it kinda reminds me of like when you are taking an exam, and you are midway through the paper and you look around - not to cheat, but just to get a sense of where everyone is at. especially if the paper is difficult - whether people have physical signs that they are struggling too, and if they do it makes you feel a little more comforted. or not even that, just to look around and get a sense of how you're doing. hm.

it's been a year since I've written on this space. I think I'm very conscious of what I write / who's reading this / constantly anticipating how I'm being perceived by others. I've always been very self-conscious - what's changed is what I choose to do with that though. Nowadays it's been more uncaring, perhaps that's not the right word, aware but choosing to behave as though I weren't hoping one day I'd not be so concerned what people think of me.

School has been pretty confusing and mentally draining. There's constant processing on what it means to be an educator, but it's kinda all up in the brain with no avenues for application. I do love all this thinking but I'm wondering where it'd all go. I do want to believe that all the thinking I've been doing would have some sort of innate subconscious impact on me, but I can't say for sure.

New environments are always hard to navigate, but I think I've found a version of self that I'm comfortable with at least for the moment.

I've been obsessed with Alexa Chung. I can't put a finger on why. Several reasons would be that I love the British accent and it's just kinda soothing to hear her speak, she's so quirky and lanky and awkward yet proud of it - it's refreshing, also she's just really gorgeous.

(i wrote this late 2019)

she held her french fry with a paper napkin, nibbling at it because it was "hot". she spoke with a slang, picked up from peppa pig probably, telling me about how louie was naughty, and rolled around on the ground, and how wei wei "shee-sheed" in class today. she sang about a penguin drinking tea, and laughed so loudly that everyone in the fast food joint looked at us. i bet they were jealous of her laughter, her not having a care in the world, and that i got to share that with her.

only a month and a half left at this school, and there's a mix of relief but also sadness.

(i wrote this i think early 2019)

it's not the big things you miss - not the huge road trips, or graduation, or things like that. It's the little ones. like seeing a glimpse of the riverwalk on a tv show, or hearing someone saying they're visiting chicago, that stirs up nostalgia, and a longing to be back in the place that was a second home. that said, it's not that being here isn't great - cos it is, it really is. i love being with my family, and having friends and a boyfriend that love me so much, and a great job. i am very grateful. it's just processing memories perhaps, and thinking about what to do with those.

when i think about the past four years, i think about the little things - those that seemed so mundane and insignificant at the points of their happening.

i think about
walking home after a long day of school, briskwalking because it's extremely cold out, but still being able to smile and a puppy on a walk, or a couple being happy on the streets, or drunk people doing dumb things.

i think about
going grocery shopping, and reminding myself that i should only buy enough, and not overstock my fridge because i will forget things and they expire and then there's unnecessary waste. but in the end, convincing myself i need all the things i put in my basket that is way too heavy. i then would proceed to try and shove half the things in my bag pack so the journey home is not too torturous.

i think about
being on the metra travelling out to the suburbs, or back from the suburbs - either looking forward to spending time with friends, or looking forward to being in my bed - hoping the night passes slowly, and 5am doesnt come too quickly.

i think about
walking the hallways in the elementary school i was teaching in, the kids waving to me, and being excited about art class.

i think about
working in the print studio way past midnight, cutting paper, washing or exposing my screens, printing, having conversations, or ordering in chi cafe food with other crazy art students.

i think about
laughing with the singaporeans on the train platform, huddling like penguins under the "toasters" (jo's affection term for the heaters), after climbing and dinner at the pho place, or chinatown, or all the other places we have deemed having good asian food. but some nights there's burger nights, or taco nights too.

i think about
hanging out in clare and shelby's apartment, trying to get mulder clare's guinea pig to love us, or having meals together, watching netflix, ranting about school or life, or both.

i think about
lunches in the parks with jen, lunches by the lake with alexa. conversations with them always lifted my spirits.

i think about
naps on my couch with steph, or dinners, or parties she helps make the playlist for.

i think about
gallery hopping with caro, going thriftshopping in wicker.