lis

i saw lis in the window of 306 and popped in. it was good to see her - it's always good to see her. she gave me a hug. she had on a dust mask, i asked her what she was doing she said she was making pastels. i said her painting looks so good. she asked how i was and i told her i haven't had much time to make art lately, and art ed has been kinda crazy. she said set some time aside to come in to draw. i'm trying to, i came in to throw yesterday. good, she said. i'm going to head off. i'm smiling but you can't see. she pulls off her dust mask and smiles. i laugh.

liz took a video of me and ryan laughing at the video of liz laughing.

i came out of my room and sat on the couch. ryan and liz were at the dining table, both writing a paper for the same class. i took the same class the semester before. they were talking or taking a break or something. i continued doing my readings. at some point, ryan said he had to show me a video. it was a video of liz laughing at something she was watching on her laptop. it was a good solid 3 minutes of her initially just quietly sniggering, to giggling full on laughing, then passing out on the table trying to stop laughing, then laughing again. liz took a video of me and ryan laughing at the video of liz laughing. i hadn't laughed till my stomach ached in a while. 

jo and me go to church together on sundays. yesterday, both of us were very late. service started at 10, i think i left my house at 10.10. after service, we usually go and get lunch. the place we frequent is called usagiya, the old man who runs the shop recognizes us. whenever we walk in he's like "the window?" as in yall wanna sit by the window, and he'll bring jo hot water. we left church and were deciding where to go when jo was like "wait, it's not usagiya anymore!" my heart sank a little. in place of the rustic brown sign, was a bright red one that i think somewhere had 'sushi' on it. i said we should go ask what happened to usagiya. we were greeted with very friendly hellos as we walked in. we found out that mr old man had retired, he's still the landlord, but the restaurant has been taken over by them. it was a similar cuisine, of thai and japanese, but the menu was different, we decided to have lunch there anyway. it was familiar, yet very different. like someone moved a vase that had not been moved for a long time, and something is off but it's not that big of a deal seemingly, but it really is.

a list of things that excite me

20 feb: im hella stressed out.

21 feb: i just stretched out this window with blogspot to cover all the other open tabs of readings/research i need to get done so i can write somewhat in peace

i typed in notes today to write about things that excite me. 

i think the things have been churning about in my mind lately have just been anxious thought after anxious thought, and being preoccupied with how to manage stress and anxiety and emptiness. and it's so exhausting and draining i fall asleep feeling like i had not completed the day well, and wake up feeling like half the day has already gone by. it will get better though, i'm workin on it.

but anyway, back to being excited about things. there's this show that i wanted to see since... saturday the 11th of february, cos erin washington and em kettner are in it, and kayla risko too whom i see when we both go to the youth programs closet to grab supplies for class. and i've seen photos of the show and kayla said it's great. i love going to see art. it just excites me to see what someone else has created/put their heart into ya know. i left my place at 4ish, still flooded with anxiety from the day. i got on the train, and passed the time reading lydia davis' collection of short stories. i think it may be my favourite book. i laughed a lot to myself. she just has a way of writing about the mundane that brings it to life - and also capturing it just as it is too? 

as i walked to the gallery, i felt excited. and i hadn't felt that kind of excitement in a while. it was nice. 

so that's the explanation of the thought. (the show's amazing in case you were wondering you should check it out it's only up until this weekend i think - on the bank of what river? roman susan gallery)

a list of things that excite me

1. car rides with shelby and clare
2. car rides in general
3. oranges, when i really felt like eating oranges and ryan asked if anyone needed anything from the grocery store, i told him i needed oranges
4. going to the lake
5. getting a text from a friend i haven't heard from in a while
6. getting a call from a friend
7. getting a letter in the mail that isn't from the bank or spam 
8. getting a sincere email
9. cute socks
10. hot tea
11. having a good discussion about a reading
12. having a good conversation
13. having a mundane conversation that on hindsight was not so mundane
14. sewing
15. cooking (when i feel like it)
16. reading a good phrase/ sentence/ paragraph/ book
17. mornings when i wake up feeling okay
18. the feeling of completing a reading
19. being warm and cosy under the blankets
20. wearing flip flops out
21. not wearing a coat
22. having huge pockets
23. running into a friend on the street
24. olivia being excited to show me the drawing courtney&mark framed
25. watching brooke enjoy her ice-cream
26. having time and space for myself
27. being around people i love
28. summer plans
29. microwaveable pop-corn

but i'm just so glad it was even published.

it's valentines day - i texted julia with frustration like two days back and we both agreed that our parents would probably give up their couple time so we wouldnt be alone watching rom coms and eating ice-cream. i did buy a tub of red bean ice-cream today though. haha.

i just finished writing a paper that i feel pretty good about. art education has been a little bit of a struggle just in terms of constantly being overwhelmed by the amount of observations to get done, readings, papers to write - also just not having had such academic rigour the past two and a half years. the girls in the programme with me are sweet though, we all seem to function similarly - like freak out and feel like death. but enjoying it still. like for our curriculum class, we basically test out what k-12 kids would do, and we would still be as engaged as though it were our own practice. i suppose teaching would be eventually part of our practice. i feel like it has started to seep into mine already - the kind of (i dont know if the word is joy but it's close to it, just that there are some moments where you're like kid are you seriously saying/doing what you're saying/doing right now, but then they're just being themselves, which i think is really beautiful, and as we grow older we forget how to do that ya know) for lack of a better word joy, or perhaps it's just the sense of knowing pretty deeply it's what i want to be doing in the moments that i interact with students, i am really thankful for. i guess i'm typing in here such that when i get all jaded and overwhelmed, i can read back and be like okay maybe everything is okay ya know?

shelby needed to take some photos for this project she's doing, and we drove to chain-o-lakes state park yesterday. it was pretty epic. we got pulled over by a state park ranger for driving too fast. it was such a strange situation? like it seemed like a joke but it was all real, and he couldve fined us. he took both shelby and my license (even though i wasn't driving but i guess they just do that to check identity). shelby and me just kept laughing nervously, and the whole thing was so bizarre. the rest of the day couldnt beat that initial 'excitement'. a lot of the park was closed, i think hunting season just ended, plus it's still kind of winter-y. but we came across this beautiful lake. it was like one of those scenes you see in a postcard. wooden stairs that led down to the bank. the water was half frozen and half flowing, it was so incredibly surreal. there was this dude sitting with his feet in the water. 

"isn't the water getting into your boots"

"nah, i paid $150 water better not get in"

his name is jason. he just got his boots in the mail and thought he'd come break them in. he brought us to the boat launch area, which was also really pretty. the ice there was solid, i walked on it for a little bit. 

we didn't spend too long at the park though, it was just nice to get out of the city, and drive and hangout and catchup a little. also honoured to have been present when shelby got pulled over for the first time.

after my art ed meeting today, ryan texted to say that liz and him were heading to chinatown and asked if i needed anything. i said i'd meet them there. it's so much better getting groceries with friends. i love love love cooking, but buying the stuff to cook is such a hassle. they dragged my pink and black suitcase along to transport the 25 pound bag of rice back. ryan cooked a full meal of chicken rice for us when we got back. it was lovely. we somehow ended talking about our friendship and the different weird stages that we'd been through, and now we're roommates. i completely forgot this one time that i was just pretty distant to him, and nonchalant. and we had to talk it out in the cafeteria at the art institute. it's bad how i only remember when i am a good friend, but it's like my brain forgets these moments that i wasn't that great of a person. why some people still stick by me i don't know, but i am thankful always.

at a talk by a calligraphy artist last night, he said something that you'd hardly hear in the art world. he was showing us these beautiful hand-drawn calligraphy pieces, and he had produced a few books of his work. we asked if there's anywhere we could buy them. he replied that they were out of print, and said, 

"it's hard to have your work be out of print, but i'm just so glad it was even published."

it made me think about how it's come to the point where i am starting to get proud of what i am making, and at times even feel indignant about not getting chosen for things. that line of his was sobering. 

spring semester always reminds me not to take good days for granted. 

just tryna be the person i wanna be ya know?