been extremely frustrated ever since getting back from class. been trying to be ready for a meeting i have with one of my teachers tomorrow (as in in like a couple of hours), and i think i've just been stressing out a lot, feeling the need to be at a certain point, or wanting to be ideally at a certain point of my like art whatever you want to call it. perhaps it was not having made 'real art' for a while, and kind of forgetting how to make? i don't know. im still very frustrated and annoyed and can feel the heat of tears coming up, but i think i just need to stop. and breathe. and i just don't really know how to do that.
it's been a lot easier to be a human lately, in terms of making friends, and interacting with people. i think my guard has come down a little, and i feel a little more able to be myself and stop being so self-conscious about what people think, and just be. like. say whatever i am thinking, when i used to think and run through it in my mind over and over before words leave my mouth. which i guess at times is a good thing, but at others, you just miss moments when you overthink. and even if you have the perfect thing to say, the moment is gone, and it's not coming back.
i think it's just a point of realizing how much i need God, and the struggle within me to let go and surrender, and stop holding onto all the things that i clutch so close to my chest that i find my worth in, that God is saying, 'my child let go, you are enough'. and im just like no. let me define me, and let me fight and struggle and earn my right. but God says to stop striving, that i don't have to, that i don't have to earn my right to be His daughter, that i don't have to prove myself to Him that i am worthy of His love and grace, that it has been given to me. and it's not like i don't know these things, but i don't truly believe in them. they haven't become truths that i understand with my whole being. and it's difficult to let go of lies that you've built your life around/on.
i'm still struggling, and know that i will keep struggling. but God's peace comes in the least expected moments and reminds me that i don't walk alone, and it's okay, and i'm doing okay.
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
ephesians 3:14-21
No comments:
Post a Comment