helium

we took a drive to willow creek in barrington yesterday, because one of courtney's friends who's an artist was going to be there during part of the service. jo and i took a train to church in the city, where we were supposed to meet courtney. the train came really early, so we sat around on the steps of the high school our church has its service in for a while and talked. he told me about tricia going over to his place and jun tricia and him watching izombie together the night before. i cant remember what i talked about. tricia said she was here but she was going to sit in for worship for a bit. courtney texted that she was here. tricia, jo and me walked out together. there was a moment where we turned the block and courtney was standing by the car beaming at us, we started getting into the car, and courtney said to herself or to us, or just in general "i love you guys" and smiled and got into the driver's seat. 

the drive there was nice. tricia and joseph were taking photos along the way of the scenery. tricia used up her last shot before we hit the part of the suburbs that she would have taken the most photos if she had any film left. and she griped about it. jo kept making fun of her, calling out all the things that she loved taking shots of, "desaturated playground!", "fence!", "ey tricia look!". i laughed. courtney was like "is it make fun of tricia day" and im like "that's everyday". 

i dont think i want to write about the service because i havent processed it yet. actually, nah i wont be writing about it here. but after the service, we went to find the artist so courtney can say hi and we could meet him. i didnt know much about him so i didnt say much, but i read up on him after and it's pretty cool how he integrates art and faith. he seemed pretty nice and friendly. jo didnt say anything throughout and at the end of the conversation, the guy was just like "joseph", acknowledging his presence in some sense and joseph gave this surprised look. it was funny. we went to go steal a helium balloon after so we could play with it in the car after. tricia thought joseph was going to take the whole bunch of 8-10 balloons. he took only one. it was enough though. he got a headache from the helium. it was worth it though.

the drive back was much quieter after we finished sounding like chip and dale, tricia fell asleep. i tried to but i couldnt. i closed my eyes and listened to the conversation that jo and courtney were having. i like sitting in the back of the car and listening.

that is all.

struggling/ faith

been extremely frustrated ever since getting back from class. been trying to be ready for a meeting i have with one of my teachers tomorrow (as in in like a couple of hours), and i think i've just been stressing out a lot, feeling the need to be at a certain point, or wanting to be ideally at a certain point of my like art whatever you want to call it. perhaps it was not having made 'real art' for a while, and kind of forgetting how to make? i don't know. im still very frustrated and annoyed and can feel the heat of tears coming up, but i think i just need to stop. and breathe. and i just don't really know how to do that. 

it's been a lot easier to be a human lately, in terms of making friends, and interacting with people. i think my guard has come down a little, and i feel a little more able to be myself and stop being so self-conscious about what people think, and just be. like. say whatever i am thinking, when i used to think and run through it in my mind over and over before words leave my mouth. which i guess at times is a good thing, but at others, you just miss moments when you overthink. and even if you have the perfect thing to say, the moment is gone, and it's not coming back. 

i think it's just a point of realizing how much i need God, and the struggle within me to let go and surrender, and stop holding onto all the things that i clutch so close to my chest that i find my worth in, that God is saying, 'my child let go, you are enough'. and im just like no. let me define me, and let me fight and struggle and earn my right. but God says to stop striving, that i don't have to, that i don't have to earn my right to be His daughter, that i don't have to prove myself to Him that i am worthy of His love and grace, that it has been given to me. and it's not like i don't know these things, but i don't truly believe in them. they haven't become truths that i understand with my whole being. and it's difficult to let go of lies that you've built your life around/on. 

i'm still struggling, and know that i will keep struggling. but God's peace comes in the least expected moments and reminds me that i don't walk alone, and it's okay, and i'm doing okay. 

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

 ephesians 3:14-21

ugh missing the fam

let's pack up and leave

we could build houses on the sea

the city lights are too bright
on thoughtful quiet nights like tonight.

it'd be nice to be in my bed
the one that's really mine
the one that's home
where the way mom's hand holds mine will feel like a blanket over me
where dad's coming to check on me
will be like the comforting presence of the pillow beneath my head
where the sister making jokes and doing weird dances with me will bring familiarity like hugging my bolster to fall asleep
where the city streets and lights and buildings and trees will be as familiar as walking to the bathroom in pitch darkness
where words come as easily as making my way back to my bed after
there's that continuously blinking green light of the air-conditioner that bothers me though
but the solution is simple: close my eyes.

if only the solution could be so simple for
the aching in my chest that longs for family
the longing for familiarity and certainty and belonging that courses through my veins
the thirst for home that is seemingly unquenchable.

the city lights are too bright
on thoughtful quiet nights like tonight.

wew wew school

haven't felt so much like a college student in a while, till this afternoon, hugging a paper bag of books walking down state street. had my first liberal arts class for this semester this morning, and it's weird to go to art school and forget what normal classes are like, and i kinda miss it. we had a really good introductory class, addressing the question that we would be dealing with the rest of the semester, questioning where does poetry come from, since it doesnt seem to come from the poet himself? we read one of plato's dialogues, between socrates and ion. socrates posed the metaphor of a magnetized metal, and how it attracts these iron rings, and passes on its 'power' and how a muse would be the magnet, and the iron rings would be the poet, and then the ring after would be the rhapsode (ion). and it talked about too, how like a literary piece could only be written if someone is separated from their intellect, to be in some sort of a subconscious or trance state.

i don't really know what i feel about it yet. poems do have these weird ways of coming really suddenly at times, and i don't really know where they come from - inspiration perhaps? but where does this inspiration originate from? hm. i'm pretty excited about the class. and am attempting to actually keep up with the readings. last semester's liberal arts classes were very chill, i don't think i did more than 2 or 3 readings. but i also didn't get the most i could have out of those. hopefully this semester will be better.

i bumped into page while i was at sharp and we got lunch together. it was nice catching up with her, about break, about our goals for the semester. it's so easy to do life on your own (easy not as in it's a breeze to get through but it's not difficult to get just caught up in the motions you don't really need to stop and talk to anyone other than to get things done) and be busy, but it's also so much more enjoyable to be able to sit down next to someone and talk, and process, and share. somehow accountability makes a difference, just sharing with someone something, saying something out loud, makes it much more real than having the idea just floating about in your head. people make me feel really glad to be back amidst the struggle and reluctance. 

i spent the next hour and a half stretching paper for class on thursday. it's amazing. do you know you can wet paper without it crumpling up and drying in this weird crumply ugly shape (when you want it to stay flat). it's crazy and amazing and it only takes a bit of water and water adhesive tape and a hard board. i also got this new paint that i haven't used before - casein it's called, and it's milk based according to my teacher. it smells very good. aha. it feels nice to be genuinely excited about art and weird processes that wouldn't make sense to people who don't do it (not in an elitist way but in a way that we each have our own thing we do and know about it) and be able to geek out with other people who get excited about them too and it's just all very exciting.

i managed to get into a fibers screenprinting class with liz ensz, my intro to fibers teacher that i really wanted to get in, which is tomorrow. wew wew. wew. 

i hope you are well