birthday ramblings

(this is a rambly post because i'm in a rambly mood)

29 march 2015

it's my birthday today. it's the first time i'm away from home on my birthday (i think unless there was some primary school camp but never away from singapore, away from family). the last part of yesterday we had dinner at umai. after jo's dad said grace, sonia was smiling weird (not actually weird cos she always smile randomly like that but he hasn't been around her much so he didnt know). he asked her why she was smiling weird. she said "i'm just happy to see everybody". it was sweet. i haven't had actual rest almost at all the past couple of days just cos coming back from spring break in seattle meant much to catch up on and there were so many crits last week i cant even. i just leaned on hope's shoulder a lot. i don't love people leaning on my shoulder because i never know what to do and it makes me feel like i can't move. but i like leaning on people's shoulders. especially hope's :). it was so nice to feel comfortable and be with the people that make me happy. i popped by clare's and shelby's after dinner to pass shelby something. i'm like their frequent visitor. i hope i bring them more joy than inconvenience. i bring peace offerings tho. like tea. and. wait. i think that's it. it was only once. haha. i stopped and looked in the direction of the chicago theatre for a while on the way back, and a sense of peace and contentment washed over me. tricia asked me if stress gets to me. i said stress makes me productive. and it was probably the most productive i have been for a while. it hit twelve when we reached back to our room. i was packing up the huge mess that had accumulated in my area when it hit midnight, and tricia gave me a huge hug and said happy birthday. i smiled. 

i slept in accidentally today and was 15 min late for church. i was greeted too by a horribly unflattering video on jo's insta of me sleeping and i think snoring with joseph giving a commentary how that's the sound of someone turning 20. it was a nice goodmorning birthday greeting. i think. i spotted jo from the back because of his colourful shirt with the heart on it and walked over to sit with them. anna wished me happy birthday. it was so nice to see anna. the story is that she is in the same batch as jo and the rest in ib. and jun's friend was visiting and she was in the same school as jun's friend. tricia told me that anna and this other girl was coming. and i was like ok. it did not click to me that the anna they were talking about was the same anna that was my senior in mg. that night when they came and were joining ryan and the rest for sushi night in the boys' room, i walked in really badly dressed with my pyjamas and my coat because i was lazy to take a sweater out of my closet so i just swiped my coat from my bedframe, and asked the boys for money to do my laundry cos their room is nearer the laundry room and i was lazy to go up all the way to mine and have to come back down again. i was like "i have soda for you guys, but i also need money for laundry... OMG ANNA". and she came and hugged me. it has been what like three years i think at least since the last time i saw her. it's one of those weird moments where nothing makes sense, then it clicks and it makes sense again. anna called it serendipity in her card she wrote to me. it was just a really nice and comforting surprise.

anyway, oh wait let's back track. as i walked into the service hall, someone called out to me. and i was surprised cos no one usually would? like it hasnt been too long so not a lot of church people know know us. but i turned around to see James walking up to me with a huge smile. he gave me a hug and said it was good to see me. i said it's good to see you too. church in the city has come to be a safe place that i look forward to being at and with the people there. i saw brianna after church too and introduced her to anna. bri is such a sweet sweet girl and it always brightens up my day to see her. a lot of people have been a blessing to me. i'm just thankful essentially is what i'm trying to say. we went to usagi-ya for lunch. we used to go here every sunday for lunch, it was just a routine, but we havent for a while. and routine is always comforting to me. i got the takoyaki and the nabeyaki udon which were both as awesome as they usually are. i am such a foodie. i came back and slept for an hour. it was a good sleep. i slept till hope and farnaz came to get me to go up to the solarium to get our room for next semester. it was so exciting to finally be confirmed that we are going to be rooming together it's going to be so much fun and so great with good cooking and food and we're going to have an amazing looking cosy room. i'm really excited to spend so much more time with the two of them.

i came back to my room and jo was doing his memory book. i read the stuff he wrote recently and he's an amazing person i've told him that a lot. he is. i'm just eating ice-cream and writing this now. i went to film with morgan after. working with morgan has been so much fun. we are both pretty easy going but also are committed to making the thing look good and do it efficiently at the same time. she said we should hang out more next semester. i agree. i finished filming at 7.30 and i went to tell joseph that we can head to tank (he asked me yesterday if i wanted to go for dinner. he asked in the group if anyone can make it but everyone couldn't which was a bummer but i was like okay it's fine pho's good anytime). he told me to meet him in his room. i headed down and knocked. it was all dark when he opened the door and he was complaining about not being able to find his wallet. i walked in and popped my head in and saw hope, yuka and farnaz sitting sheepishly on ryan's bed and jun in the corner. they said hi and i said hi and was like what is this... and joseph pins me to the beanbag on the floor and all of them start piling on top of each other and the sg people were like "TAUPOK" and then there's ryan randomly screaming and then they start belting happy birthday. it was so sweet of them all :) we went to tank noodle altogether for pho and smoothies. 

it has been a while since all of us were altogether. we were still missing one, but it was really nice just to have so many of us there. sitting at the table - i was just thankful. i wouldn't have wanted to spend my birthday any other way (except with family of course but that's not a possibility here). it hit me, how God is so so faithful. I don't know why i am always surprised. He has never failed. i prayed for friends in chicago, and He provided. I can share my heart with these ones, and be weird and so odd and i dont know why they are still friends with me, but they are. we function as a group, but there are so many significant relationships within the group too, like individual friendships. i don't know how God works, but i know it's amazing and i am so immensely grateful. 

 future roommates

joseph says he can't tell whose face is squished. he's a nice guy most of the time. 

the cutest video yuka made see it on my insta (tingyannn)

 so much love for these ones

pho the win

30 march 2015

bible study today was fun. courtney brought in so many crafty kids art materials like construction paper, and crayola crayons and markers and children's books. we made cards and courtney read out two children's stories from these really beautifully illustrated books. there's something about these kid's books that speak a lot more than they say. or perhaps because they are so open to interpretation that it allows us to think about so much more and what they could be about. i remember the book we did for fundraising in secondary school. i want to write a children's book one day. i should really do it. a couple of books. jo, courtney and i walked together, jo was headed to 162, i was headed to jones and courtney to the blue line. jo was just singing and beatboxing and being in his own world. and courtney was just laughing. and i was like what are you laughing about and she was like joseph's just singing on the streets. and i smiled. he does that a lot. and it's nice and comforting. and he kept doing it. and we laughed. jo left us at one of the intersections. and courtney and i kept walking. there's something about being with courtney that makes me feel safe and at home somehow. we talk about birthdays a bit and part with a hug outside jones and she wishes me happy birthday. 

i head up to clare and shelby's dorm. and i get in and clare's like "uh can you turn around for a moment" i'm like. i'm going to the bathroom. and i come out after and they had stuck a long candle in the middle tiny red velvet cakecupcake, surrounded by five other tiny red velvet cupcakes and it was really sweet. they ask me to make a wish and i do. and i said they had to make wishes too. so we all got a wish. we talked about prom and i show them the elaborate changi airport proposal. and shelby shows us this hilarious video and we spaz out at how pretty shelby and clare were at their senior prom. i love hanging out with them. they make me happy.

bible study today/why i look forward to mondays: courtney reading a children's book with beautiful illustrations to us kindergarten teacher style/ Joseph satisfied with colouring his notes with markers and crayons/what courtney intends to wear to commit crime

clare and shelby are great

thank you for reading to the end if you did, you really don't have to but if it adds something to your day then i'm glad :) i'm just writing cos it helps me remember and i like remembering moments. have a wonderful week you.

maybe it's ok

maybe it's ok

to have accidentally (or not so accidentally) overslept today
to have eaten one more meal than you planned to (and an extra snack in between)
to have left the dishes in the sink for another few hours
to have forgotten to do your laundry after spring break a few days ago
to have been frustrated at a project you've worked 6 hours on the night before deemed not working out
to have not been fully present when a friend was talking about something important
to have your room be a complete mess
to have taken a three hour nap in the afternoon, and an additional one hour nap in the evening
to have not made the greatest effort in carrying out conversations
to have not been the most careful with my words
to have not given my parents the attention they deserve
to have not been the best at maintaining long distance friendships
to have a ton of assignments due in the next couple of days but no idea how to finish them (yet still be writing this post)
to have not been the best friend
to have not made time for myself 

to not have everything together
i'm only human.

a happy day

12 march 2015

i always feel the need to write. it's just something i've done for such a while, i don't think i'll ever stop.

i've been trying to pinpoint things that make me glad. i don't know if it's good to pinpoint them, but i guess i just wanna be aware of them. positivity is something i feel is really lacking lately and i just want to be able to tap into positive feelings consciously. days have just looked extremely packed, with back-to-back working, gallery hours, church, appointments. there hasn't been enough time for rest or lol breathing. today, my art history teacher didn't come into class, the TAs administered the test and we were released two hours early. i had no idea what to do within those hours and looked like a little dummy on the intersection either to sharp or back to the dorms, i turned around a couple of times. i ended up heading to sharp to work on the group weaving that we're doing for class for an hour and a half, made a playlist that i have been so lazy to put together and just settling for other people's playlists that i don't like half the songs of. and i'm just sitting here right now typing this post and waiting for amanda so we can go to find out if our proposals for artbash have been accepted or rejected hopefully accepted fingers crossed!

back to positivity. i've just been very frustrated at all the negativity around me, and within myself and i just think it's so unhealthy, but -- (i stopped the post here)

15 march 2015

Today was a very unusual Sunday. We had built up a routine, a few of us, that we have stuck to religiously for the past semester and a half. Sunday meant I was awoken by Tricia waking up to Skype her parents, going back to sleep again and waking up when the alarm sounded for 8.45, snoozing until 9, brushing my teeth, pouring myself a bowl of cereal (without milk), eating, changing, opening the door for sonia, meeting Joseph downstairs and taking the blue line to division. Church was an hour and a half, then we'd always always go to the Japanese place round the corner for udon/ramen and the amazing takoyaki that reminded us all of home. The owner of the restaurant is this old Asian dude that we have affectionately come to call 'uncle'. He would serve Joseph a cup of hot water and the rest of us iced, because Joseph asked for hot water the first time we came and he always remembered. Joseph would calculate the bill, someone would always end up not having enough cash and we would all pool a pile of cash while the person pays card. Some weeks, we'd head to the Ark thrift store, some weeks we'd just head back. There was almost always a wait for the train. Some days we'd stand in silence, other days jokes were exchanged or laughs or just easy conversations.

We've lately been trying to break the routine. I don't know if it's a good thing. I quite like routines it gives me assurance and like being able to expect things reduces anxiety. But it's cool. Last week we had ramen at wicker park. This week we were supposed to head to urban outfitters surplus store. Have lunch somewhere there. We got the directions there, but it was quite a distance. We also tried to find somewhere to eat along the way, but got a bit lost with the directions. I felt bad cos I snapped at Esther at some point (sorry esther). I get annoyed when the journey takes a while. I felt bad after and realized that we weren't actually rushing for anything. And tried to chill out lol. I've been recently so aware of time. I think I was really stressed out planning for how to deal with all my work, plus art bash (I thought my proposal had a good chance of getting through but it didn't) and going to Seattle for spring break to visit Sam. Time has just been a thing I've been extremely aware to use wisely and not to waste. It has just gotten into my system a little and got me pretty disorientated when plans change. Like just the other day my art history teacher did not come to class and I had two hours in between and I had no clue what to use the time for. Anyway back to today. We eventually did get to the surplus store and decided to just eat around the area. We narrowed it down to two restaurants, an Asian place and a brunch place. We decided on the brunch place cos there were people outside and it seemed pretty good. We got the menus and were deciding what to get when we realized the table beside us was having a problem with the bills or the menu or something of the sort and were having a disagreement with the waitress. The waitress came over to our table and warned us that they were really busy and were having a bit of problems and customers were having normal and acceptable complaints and asked if we were still fine with eating there. We just said it was okay. We probably should have left. I wouldn't be writing this if we did leave though. And not thought about whatever I thought about.

The food took an extremely long wait. The same waitress came out a couple of times to make sure we were okay. She explained that they were very shorthanded and it was only her second day on the job and it was just crazy. We could see that she was trying her best and didn't make that big a deal out of it. There was just a lot of things that were human that were fleshed out. Our food did come eventually, eventually being a really really long time, and it was pretty bad but we knew that the waitress was trying her best and it was really just probably a bad day for the restaurant. Resignation was probably a good word for everyone. I had a really good conversation with Esther, and it was a beautiful day outside. Many of the customers were really understanding too, which was nice to see.

I saw things as being layered 

1. The restaurant was having a bad day/had bad organisation 

2. The servers were new and were trying their hardest 

2a. It is valid for them to be upset with the restaurant 

2b. They tried to do everything they could do make the customers happy 

3. It is valid for the customers to be unhappy

Everyone had a choice as to how they could react in the situation, and how they could react would impact the other parties involved. (today's 16th march) I don't really know where I was going with the post. but i guess even though circumstances were pretty frustrating and not to our favour, there was somehow still a lot of peace, in just being with people that i enjoyed being with, the weather being so so beautiful, and just idk taking things as they come and not being so hard up about stuff. 

16 mar 2015

(warning: this is going to get rambly. i just feel the need to record today down somehow) i'm writing a lot more lately. i think it's good. probably. got up at 6ish to meet esther for a run at buckingham fountain, we were going to head along the lake. i reached early, and sat on the steps facing the lake to watch the sunrise. it was beautiful. there are moments of solitude that are so precious and this was one of them. these moments are probably the closest you'll get to the world stopping for you. it feels like it almost. maybe it's good enough. we ran the side towards the river cos esther hadn't run that route before. we didn't run much though haha we both were pretty low in stamina. i definitely need to train up again. i think back about cross and i dont know how i ever trained so much. that period of time just seemed nonexistent somehow. we walked to this park that i went to with cora when she was still in school, and sat on the swings for a bit. it was really peaceful and nice. the city gets so so noisy and claustrophobic a lot. and these places are my refuge. the lake too, has become a place that i love, and just taking walks and not having to interact with people. i love that spring is here, but the streets are so so so crowded it gets frustrating. i want to go out of the loop more. i should. going to northwestern that day was amazing it didn't feel like the city at all. we started to walk back, and we stopped in marianos cos esther hadn't been. it was as overwhelming to her as it was for me, and she didn't even finish seeing everything haha. it made me crave orange juice and want to try almond milk, but i didnt have card or cash on me. before we parted, esther said we should pray together for the week, and we did. i am really thankful for her esther are you reading this. :) 

we parted and i headed to up my dorm to get my wallet, and popped by walgreens to buy those. almond milk is so amazing btw. pls try it. i got the unsweetened one, cos it was the only one they had but i really love it. imma drink it everyday hehehe. the rest of the morning was spent working on my research piece. OH i cooked chicken rice, i finally used the paste mum gave me last semester. and it is so so so amazing and crazy to smell chicken rice in my dorm. like my brain can't make sense of it. it feels so much like home. haha. and the taste of it too. i still have some more in my fridge i can't wait to eat it again soon. i think the endorphins from running just fuelled my whole day. i'm in a really happy mood which is great. and the weather is great too. i headed to sharp to return a camera i borrowed and to check out a sewing machine. i spent the next two hours sewing. it's so much faster with the machine. i used to hate using it because the strings always got caught and it was a pain to untangle and solve the problem, but once you get the hang of it, wow i can't even imagine how much longer it would take me to hand sew. it has been a good day so far.

 some paintings i did a couple days ago

 esther being a cutie and making her sleeping face all the time

chicken rice wuhu

i'm just really happy today which is really nice. haha. getting really excited for spring break, just to see sam would be enough :) and i can't wait to go home to sg too. 

feb/march updates

28 feb

i just felt the need to write about this, even though it was really really nothing huge at all. but it made me glad. these few days have been just focused on working on projects after projects and essays and readings and my brain’s not really processing anything i think, just getting through things one by one. i had an appointment with the writing centre at 11 reached there at 10.50 and sat around waiting for the people there. at 11.05 though, no one was coming out to get me and it seemed like the girl wasn’t well and didn’t come in. this other girl came out and said if her person didn’t come, she’ll take me. i was getting frustrated, just because work’s stressing me out, and i was worrying about how i am going to get everything done over this weekend and another thing not getting through, i was not going to take. but i just breathed and it wasn’t even any big thing anyway. part of me was just resigned to things going wrong and just being extremely exhausted. 

 the girl’s person didn’t turn up in the end and she came out and said “hey, i can take you”. she had this friendly smile and a very comforting presence somehow. her sweater was cute, cream, knee-length, knitted, and it matched her wool scarf real nice. Some people have a presence that is really calming and she was one of those people. I felt like I could finally breathe somehow. Like part of me was relieved to see her even though I did not know her. I do not know how exactly to explain it, but she was godsent at that moment. She introduced herself as elizabeth. She ran through my paper and said it was well written and there wasn't that much that needed to be changed except for keeping the intro concise and more related to the body and adding a short conclusion, which was great cos it was due in an hour. She asked me if I had any questions and I said no I think I'm good. And I thanked her. I asked her if she was a master student. She said she was yeah, in writing. She asked me what year I'm in. I said I was a freshman doing fibers this semester. I think she asked how it's been and I just said exhausting and she said yeah, last semester was crazy for her because she organized new blood and she had to text the artists to assure them about their pieces. I asked her if this semester was better. She said yeah. I thanked her again. She said to have a good day. I said you too.

(Writing this all out now seems really redundant and I wish I were better with my words but I'm just writing it for memory's sake I suppose.) 

 That was the calm of my day yesterday :)

4 mar

how is it march already. school's been difficult, i think the weather affects me a lot. but i've been trying to keep track of the good days, and let the bad days pass. obviously that hasn't been working out cos i haven't been keeping track of both. haha. but in any case. let's do highlights. i can't remember what order these were in so we're just going to go in a haphazard manner. 

- visiting liz's show with clare and shelby

i wanted to go see liz's piece in a group show that she had. clare and shelby came with me. i hadn't hung out with shelby much at all, except when i intrude into their room and force her to have a conversation with me and insist on giving her a hug hahaha. the pieces were really good and we enjoyed the show. the best part though, was going to stan's afterwards. shelby and i got some special flavoured coffees that they had, and we all had donuts. it was so good. stan's is the best. it was nice just chilling and hanging out and shelby and clare are some of the nicest people ever. 

- dropped by columbia college one night after dinner to hang out with esther

i didn't know esther that well then, not that i do now, but definitely better. gwen and devy were there too. the three of us sat in a booth, and just hung out. it was really comfortable, with singlish all around. it's weird how you can find bits and pieces of home around you. i felt in that moment that i was back home in sg. only when a huge group of guys behind us started talking really loudly, it hit me that we were in america. i remember feeling like that too, after leaving the conference in boston. esther is one of the most genuine, adventurous, easy going people i've met. i feel like she's so excited about life and so many things around her, it makes me want to be as adventurous too. it's been amazing having her over and i'm definitely going to miss her when she goes home. 

- lunch with taylor

i got to know taylor one of the morning prayer mornings. both of us did not know that we were meeting for iv morning prayer and just sat at the two ends of the ugly purple couches at sharp, waiting for others to turn up. at some point, taylor came over and asked if i was there for morning prayer and i was like yeah! i havent seen you at iv before. we got to know each other a bit and prayed together. we met for lunch at wildberry a wednesday or two ago i can't remember. and it was just really nice getting to hear each others' stories, about childhood, school, and other things i can't remember the specifics of. also, she ordered chicken and waffles, which i have to get the next time i'm up for something savoury. 

- late night chinatown dinners

i had a gallery shift one of the wednesdays from 8-10 and asked the guys if they wanted to head to chinatown afterwards. they were up for it. we asked a couple of others too. and at 10 we set off to the great land of chinatown. we went to chi town cafe. sonia ordered this amazing mango dessert that was super similar to those at home or in hongkong, joseph and i shared one even though we were so insanely full. dessert is always a different compartment is it not? nearing 12, joseph suggested that we toast to the new day. we started counting down at 10 seconds to 12... and screamed 'happy new day!' and clanked our plastic cups of tea and laughed. 

headed to chinatown with joseph one of the nights that i just wanted to get out of the dorms. i haven't been cooking a lot lately, i don't really know why. we went to this restaurant that tricia, joanie and me went to somewhere last semester. they have really good noodles and asian beverages. we ordered way way way too much. each of us got a bowl of noodles. each bowl is about twice the size of my face. and my face is pretty big. we got a large bowl of hot and sour soup, and an order of xlb. the hot and sour soup was so so so good. the xlb were too sweet. the noodles were great. and omg the honey lemon was the best. i haven't had that in a while, and it being cold outside made the hot honey lemon go down really really well. after eating halfway, joseph was like "actually i was going to take up your offer to share a bowl of noodles". great joseph. let's send a bowl back right now. we just ending up taking both our bowls of noodles to go. i'm always thankful for joseph. we only got to know each other better on the very very long plane ride back. even though i always complain about having to spend a full 24 hours with him, i never mean it. i always feel like he's the older brother i never had (i haven't told him this he may get freaked out lol but too bad it's true). 

- skype sessions with sam

skyping sam has been really really nice. i don't have a lot to say about it except that i'm so thankful for her, we've been friends for coming to 12 years, since we were 8. and i know there are periods that i wasn't the best of the friend i could be and i regret those moments all the time. but i'm really thankful that we understand each other the way we do, and can be there for each other despite being 5 hours away from each other :)

- ice skating with the gang

the skating ribbon's closing this weekend and joseph wanted to go skate on it before it did. so many of us went, it was crazy. devy gwen esther daphne hope junyu ryan joseph tricia sonia kristina and me. it was so much fun. ice skating around a circuit is amazing haha. i did different laps with different people and got to have really good conversations which always makes me happy. hope and me had a mini dance party on the ice. we tried to get junyu to join us. he did not bad too. joseph pushed me and sonia on the ice and he skated super fast. it was so exhilarating, we screamed a lot. the two hours passed by really quick in amazing company. a couple of us took a walk to va piano's for a late dinner. joseph and ryan ran into the field of snow at millennium park and ryan made snow angels and tackled each other. sonia started running at weird intervals. she would run away and then run back. dinner was good. then we headed back to the dorms. but it was so cold and we wanted to get there fast. so we started running, coats and all. we would run a block and rest and run another block. it was an amazing night.

- cleaning up with tricia and breakfast with lou, hope and tricia

i had this brilliant plan to clean up our room with an incentive. our room had gotten so so horribly dirty like it was almost not liveable but because we are pigs it's really more or less fine and both of us agreed that we could probably go another month without a problem. but for hygiene purposes, it was necessary. i said we would wake up at 8 clean up for 2 hours, then reward ourselves with a good breakfast. mondays are breakfast days with hope, and now lou too, so i just decided the four of us should all go together. i did the bathroom and tricia did the kitchen. and wow its so amazingly clean now, no one would believe that tri and i actually live in those areas. the main area of the room though, i mean we didn't have time. so... till the next breakfast incentive hahhaha. the four of us went to wildberry. wildberry breakfasts are insanely huge. i tried their mint mocha and it's so so so good. good food is always good. i've been eating way too much.

- devotions that turned into worship night with hope

hope and i do devotions every tuesday night. yesterday was tuesday night, but i was extremely exhausted and didn't feel like talking about anything. i think hope too? i think she couldve talked if i wanted to but i was tired. i brought my guitar down and was just strumming stuff. and started singing some songs, and by the time we knew it, we were each picking songs and going through them. i think we did at least 5 or 6. ryan and junyu joined us here and there. and joseph at the last bit. but it was nice. i felt God's presence just being in the room and a sense of peace, and the lifting of burdens and some sort of liberation which was really good after a tough week. have i mentioned? i'm immensely thankful.

- family

through everything, just having texts from mum and dad coming in each day, making sure that i'm awake. answering my facetime audio calls when i'm panicking about something, telling me which pills to take when i'm sick, telling me about the many loheis. the sister telling me about school, sending me sweet emails. i can't wait for may when we can all be together again!

i'm missing out a lot of things. i wish i could write about everything. there's so much of me that wants to remember every moment that was good and amazing, but i don't think i have the capacity to write everything down. i'd spend more time writing than living. but these moments will come to me when they do. and maybe i'll write them down then. but i just wanted to say that God has been so faithful and present throughout everything. I know He goes before me and is with me. sitting down to pray, i feel His presence come and fill the parts of me that are empty, soothe the parts of me that are hurt, fix the parts of me that are broken. i'm still a work in progress, and will be for a long time. but if my God is for me, who can be against me?

have a wonderful week ahead everyone :)