rhythm

life has its ups and its downs. the ups are easy, everyone likes the ups. the downtimes however, it just seems as though nothing is going to work out. though your mind constantly reminds you everything's going to be okay in the end, your heart experiences an ache, a sinking, a wrenching that convinces the rest of you otherwise. you wait it out though, cos i mean, there's nothing more to do than to just hang in there. it passes. eventually. and it hits a phase of numbness, where you just get things done. you fill your day with activity after activity, where the only time you need to worry about is the time in between activities. but those are okay, they are only a few hours at max. you work mindlessly day after day... until, one day, you recognise a tinge of joy again. it's a warmth of the heart, the tilting of the corners of your mouth. laughter isn't just a sound you make to shun the "how are you"s from those that care, but it is something that results from that warmth within. it's just a little grin, a little laughter, but it's still something. you start to enjoy the times in between activities -jamming to music, not just music you like, but weird new music as well, that you try to jam too but sometimes laugh at and realise that nope that's not you at all; cooking up meals, throwing in sauces of different kinds, oregano and soy sauce? that'll work, actually doing the dishes afterwards cos you know it's better than leaving it for later; sketching things that you're not going to be proud of in a year to come, forget a year, perhaps even the next day, but it doesn't matter, you're sketching for yourself. you realise things are okay again - at least until the next downtime hits, or on the positive side, the next up comes along - but okay is good enough for now.

this, i suppose, is what they call the rhythm of life - it's like the rhythm of waves, or the way the wind blows - somewhat predictable, expected, but not really.

It hit me today - perhaps, awkwardness is what makes real life, well, real life afterall. Those missed high fives, awkward hugs, silences that are broken by weather talk while both parties wreck their brains thinking of another topic to talk about, the brushing of hands, oops sorry I didn't mean to - no you're fine, attempting to press the lift button together (i insist on calling it a lift and not an elevator sorry new friends)... i've come to realise that these are what make us human - that nothing goes perfectly well or go as we expect them to. 

and maybe that's okay. maybe that's good.

i'm really glad i went to family group today. immensely thankful for kristina, claire and rachel. and all the other iv people too.

wow we're more than halfway through november

there are days, that everything just feels okay. and everything that's not okay, there's some knowledge that it'll all work out. i'm thankful, so immensely thankful for days like these. today and yesterday were two of these. :)

someone asked me on askfm (tingyannn) about how i've been, i'll just throw that answer in here i think i was more coherent then than i am now: i've been okay! chicago's having a crazy cold week, kindof just trying to stay warm. just got myself out of something i felt had started to become obligatory, which has been liberating. and treasuring time with my roommate who's transferring out, having good conversations, and hot chocolate and homecooked food has been good too. there are bad days, and good days. wait it out on the bad, and enjoy every bit of it on the good :)

it's been a rough two weeks, i think just adjusting to the weather change, and the shorter days too. was in a huge funk trying to figure out what i was doing with my life, figuring out what matters to me, what doesnt, and just fumbling around, getting through the weeks day by day. i got to hang out with some really awesome people though, who made things a lot easier.

people are so so important to me. i like the idea of being independent and not having to depend on anyone, and feeling as though i could live on an island alone, and live off plants and be friends with all the animals - the fishes and orang utans and tigers do tigers live on islands i dont know. but no man is an island and i've felt that so acutely. been really thankful for friends here - checking out the nutella bar at eataly with jordyn, shopping with liv getting $3 shirts from h&m and coffee at peets and sitting at millennium park hanging out in the cold, talking about crickets and pets and figuring classes out with courtney and kristina, conversations with joanie while doing the dishes, exchanging ideas for projects with tricia, studying and urban shopping and homecooked dinner with sabrina, family dinners with tricia and joanie and laughing and hanging out in the room, talking about anything, from tricia's burps to personal stuff about family and friends and things that are close to our hearts, for morning prayers at sharp, family group at kristina's, church, friendly people and cute babies at church, any time with clare is always amazing.

thankful for people at home too - gracia has been just the most supportive friend and i appreciate how we are able to be so genuine with each other, alex, sam, darren, sis esther, sis kassey too. and definitely family. en has been sending me weekly emails, with songs and wow getting them just turns my whole day around. facetiming mum and dad has been lovely too. there are times when im not up to it and am not very communicative, but it's still always nice to see them and talk to them regardless.

i'm really enjoying the cold surprisingly, but am looking forward to going home to the heat as well :) 

--

went to the woodshop today to work on my sculpture. i did all the calculations really precisely this morning, and was all prepared to get like half of my stuff done. when i got there tho, i realised the machines couldn't do what i had planned on doing. and all the calculations had to be done all over again. was in there for three hours, and only did a really little bit :/ at the end of the day, liv said "i feel like a dry piece of wood," which totally encompassed what i felt. i don't really like working in the woodshop, cos i feel like i always need to ask for help, like to change the blades and bevels of the saws, and all these terminology and stuff i'm unfamiliar with. unfamiliarity always gets me really nervous and anxious. not only in the woodshop, but everything i guess. like it's always so much easier to stick with the familiar, and know a routine, and be so sure that everything is going to go according to what you have planned.

but there's also a certain liberation and accomplishment, in going and doing the thing you're most afraid of and overcoming it. a lot of the times its a lot easier than we think it is, but it takes a lot of motivation and effort to actually get to doing it. i think it's important to give yourself time and be patient with yourself in taking that step forward too. i like to break it down into steps and take each step one at a time, and not to beat yourself up about not doing well. and to also know that its okay to let yourself feel proud of yourself for accomplishing something - even if it may be small, if it's something that took you courage, strength, resilience, it's something :)

i'll leave you with some photos that kinda sum up the month (but not really) haha.

 was really nice to see winnie!!! :)

 lincoln park area

 chicago is gorgeous

botak trees :x 

 iv people :)

 liv

painting in progress

 croissant and miso soup with clare 

armitage brown line

i hope you are having a good week so far! have a good weekend too!:)

She reaches out her arms
Cinnamon
Cocoa
Spice
Warmth
Pull me in

"Hang in there."

 I wish hugs could fix people.

He never lets go of me

why are bagels not a thing in sg?

writing blogposts helps me to keep my weeks in check. it feels like everything is passing by in a whirl, just cos school is so busy and i just focus on getting through the day, that the weeks and months pass by without me knowing it. it hit november a couple days back. and i just sat on my bed repeating "it's november". this year has been the most unconventional just because it wasnt a full year of school, but a couple of things all thrown together. jan to may was internship with aeb, travelling in june, church camp, driving from june till august and meeting up with people, oh and of course moe interviews and stuff, then rehearsals, then i flew here - getting into school, moving into dorms, parents leaving, starting school, getting used to the routine of everything, finding a church, going for intervarsity stuff, meeting up with santi, helping out for citc pulse, boston, winnie coming, fallconf, two huge crits, a couple of times of attempting to explore the city in between and here i am now. listing everything out seems to be a huge huge sigh of relief, and takes the weight off how madly insane the past 10.5 months have been. and by now, i mean sitting on the ugly purple couches at sharp eating a bagel.

i've been here for 12 weeks and there are 6 weeks left before home. just spoke to en for 2 hours and it's so nice to hear "home" and "acceptance" and "it's okay" and "love" again. if i were to be deserted on an island i'd choose her to come with me. we'd live on laughter, and joy, and tears and it'd be a blast.

i don't really feel like writing anymore so i'm going to stop here. also, here's a song for you. i was playing songs on my phone because there's no data in the trains and i have been intending to get spotify premium but have not done it. and chanced upon this corrinne may song, that tugged at my heart strings. also, reactivated my askfm, you can find me at http://ask.fm/tingyannn :) have a good rest of the week everyone!