weylie's story: overcoming depression

this girl is gr8. 

her positivity and her outlook on life is really encouraging. 

i don't agree with every thing she says, like the last part about living for yourself - for me, i live for what God has called me to, but in general, she is someone i respect.

and yes that voice was God, i believe, that was speaking to her. 

"if you end your life at this point, you'd never get to experience none of this (the years after you choose to end it)"

"everything was still the same... but i decided to change my perspective of how i saw life"

"i no longer wanted to be that person that was so sad, i no longer wanted to be that person that had no motivation for the future and i was seriously living each day waiting for nothing to happen"

"everything will pass... whatever the problem may be... you will get past it"

"if you're stressed out, go cry, go eat a donut... just find ways to cope with it and never resort to suicide because it's never worth it"

"time will heal"

"the only way you can stop yourself from moving on is if you bask in your negativity... for me, my depressed stage lasted so long... because i just lived in my negativity"

"when i finally learnt to just let it go and start fresh... it just felt like this rock just came off my shoulder... it is to move on, and to let go of what you can't change"

"you don't necessarily have to have a big purpose... the fact that you are here on this earth.. like you're taking care of your mum, your grandma, or being a good friend, a good listener, like that's already your purpose. you don't necessarily need something so big to define your purpose in life"

"there's so much to look forward to, you don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow"

"take one day at a time"

"unplug from social media, girl"

"if you don't like something, change it"

wew social media should have more of these positive things

i will actually write a proper post soon bear with me

i wish you a wonderful week ahead :)

familiarity

being back at ac today felt so right in a way I didn't expect. I met eunice at breadyard at one-north. It used to be in sutd before sutd relocated to changi, and all of us hung out there quite a bit as it was really near school. i remember a photo I took of Joelle mow Joel and Aaron I think, with aarons face pressed up against the glass as I think Alex and I were leaving and they were saying bye or something of that sort. And hanging out with denise and cla one of the days after school and also we had a b&m lunch there with mdm. It doesn't feel like 2 years, in that these memories are still really clear and distinct, but then again it feels like a long time ago, just because so much has changed since then. 

catching up with eunice was really nice. I just felt like heading to ac after we had lunch. I forgot that we could walk to ac from one-north and eunice laughed. it was just good to be back. Walking through the gates today felt the same as the many times we walked back to school after meals at wahchee or breadyard or starvista to study for another couple of hours, or for a council meeting, or to prep for some event we were planning, or just to hang out. We walked by the art room, to the sac (where we bumped into mr jamin jeow and he asked where my angmoh boyfriend is lol) then headed up to walk along the corridors of the classrooms. 

I remember sitting outside the art room painting till dark (this only happened once when I was doing the painting of my home gate lest joel reads and tells me that I closet and I didn't actually spend nights in the art room), but also hours drawing in the art room and talking to farlow, and spending the whole first year of IB sitting in aircon and not working lol. I remember painting ugly strawberry girl when dom came by to hang out. 

The benches outside the art room was where alex and I hung out and studied and talked about life. and boys. And I remember when we would study till we were bored and we had a phase of running around school, I don't think it lasted very long but hey at least we tried. And to think back now that's where our friendship started, during the seniors' farewell dinner where we somehow sat together and also discussed what to wear extensively on whatsapp together. I distinctly remember sitting by the pond and watching the koi fish too, I think it was with alex I can't remember. I miss her tons, another trip back to AC would be crucial when she gets her butt back from London I haven't seen her in close to a year. 

The SAC where most breaks were spent with classmates, and banmian, hakka noodle, wanton noodle soup, soy bean pudding, almond jelly, ice lemon tea, tehping, and having our pullovers smell of fried food on wednesdays, and still smelling of food every other day too. Also buying mdm tea from oasis, and I remember Joel wanting to buy her coffee so she will go hyper during b&m cos I think she did once. 

The classroom corridors, I remember sitting along them and reciting and recording english ioc again and again and again, sometimes with earphones plugged in when people got too much and I needed alone time, rushing along them to get to classes, getting hugs from schoolmates from other classes along them, making eye contact with crushes and smiling, I remember once a few of us took mops/broomsticks and pretended to be wizards on them and ran down the corridor. 

5.14/6.14 where I was blessed with a really good class of people that still bother to meet up (mostly because Jiawei is awesome and organizes meetups). I remember finding it really hard to fit into my class and hating being in ac because I felt really out of place for the first few months, but after wearing the pink wow shirts with a huge luggage tag across the front together, how could we not have forged legit bonds? (seriously though why did we think hot pink was a good idea why not like robin egg blue or something) but on a serious note, I've found friends that I really do treasure though I haven't been the best at keeping in contact, I am still thankful for them and I know that if I were to need anything they'd be there for me, and I would be here for them too. also for Mdm Angela Ong for being a great pct the two years and putting up with us :) 

Studying with a bunch of friends close to ib, coming to school in pajama pants with lua and mow, I remember also mow bringing a blanket to school and sleeping under it halfway when she was studying, going across the street to buy bubble tea/waffles when we got bored. 

The Astro, where many intense conversations were had, lying down on the fake grass and feeling really tiny compared to the huge night sky. Also horrible times of having to organize the whole cohort for the cohort photo was a nightmare that I wouldn't want to relive. 

Other very distinct but random memories: 

Sharing a tub of ben and jerrys chocolate chip cookie dough with dom for dinner at the old amphitheater and talking about life 

Sitting with Darren outside the art room/ outside the sac playing 'dots' on my phone

Giving barn some exam pack at the pull up bars 

Preparing for tok presentation with nic during one of the weekends and I think Eunice asked us to share a pack of food cos she thought we were a thing 

7D dried mangoes in math class with Aaron and generally just sitting next to him in math class

Seeing Santi before papers outside the Audi and somehow feeling comforted by her presence 

Eating hello panda and studying at the benches with alex 

Council morning duty, walking around with Mattheaus, I remember we did this thing where we tried to guess the number of siblings that each councilor had and which number child the councilor was

familiarity feels really comforting.

感恩/thankfulness

i need to make a list of things i'm grateful for. i've been breeding this negative energy lately which has been greatly detrimental and i need to bring some positivity back. i was reading through old posts and i realised that i used to document a lot of little moments, that i've started to take for granted. so here's to keeping up the happy feels.

the last week in chicago made up for how crazy the semester was. when people ask how the semester has been (since being back i've gotten the question a lot logically), i usually say the lows were low but the highs were high. and the last week probably accumulated a great proportion of those highs. it was something to have so many of us living in the same apartment together, and also spending almost a week consecutively with each other practically 24/7. it made us seem almost family-like. the few of us agreed. it was really strange, yet also very comforting all at the same time. 

on saturday, i hung out with sonia and hope. it was hope's last morning in chicago before she took a bus back. she had wanted to bring me to bee & tea for the longest time, but haven't had a chance. so we headed there that afternoon after lunch. 

i took this photo of sonia during lunch, the light just came in through the window and she was smiling. she's so beautiful both inside and out, i've loved spending the last week with her. she's the most easygoing person i have ever met, and it's just so comfortable to be with her all the time! i think the fondest memory from this week with her was when we were attempting to move a table that she bought from this shop back to her apartment. it was pretty hilarious and extremely frustrating at the same time. 1. it was too big and heavy for us to carry it back, 2. the shop people wouldnt let us take the trolley to wheel it over and wheel the trolley back because people have stolen the trolley before, 3. the apartment wouldnt let us take a trolley over either, 4. we called an uberxl, but the driver stopped at the wrong street and even after us giving him detailed instructions, and sonia even walking over to direct him to us, he refused to turn onto the right street, and was being really unpleasant to sonia and shouting at her over the phone. sonia's really funny when she's frustrated too lol. in the end though, we called this other uber driver who was so sweet and helpful. a passerby on the street was really nice to help us carry the table over to where the car was parked too. always thankful for kindness in the world. and it's always a reminder for me that going a little bit out of your way for someone is something worth doing. the lady from the shop was cool too, she sat with us and waited for the uber to come get us.

on sunday, i headed down to the lake after church. and sat by it for a couple hours, just people watching and enjoying the breeze. it was really nice. there's just something about water. the lake. hm. we watched movies at the cinema that night too. everyone wore flannels. on purpose. it was really cute... or not you decide.

we decided to head back to bee & tea one of the other afternoons. we played jenga. it's such a simple game but so fun. i feel like for games, there is an age that they are really fun, then you think you grow out of it because it appears to get childish or dumb, or you just grow to the age where you think you're too cool for it, then after you grow out of that awkward in-between age, everything that was fun in your childhood becomes fun again. ok maybe not everything, but some things. and you realize that 'coolness' is a dumb concept. anyway, jenga. we did really well. we didn't play according to the rules though lol we were using both hands and balancing it while taking out a block. the essential aim was just to keep the stack standing. we got pretty high (hah). 

the sun was so nice. despite chicago's crazy weather, i still love it. the sun coming out makes me forget how bitter the cold was. it's like a kid being really naughty and then feeling really angry at him, but then he starts being really cute, and you're like aw. 

on tuesday, i met liv for breakfast. we walked around trying to find a shop that sells beads so we could embellish the friendship bracelets that we were going to make, but we werent very successful. we dropped by anthropologie though, and everything in it was so pretty ah. window shopping at its finest. we decided to just make do with what liv brought. we headed up to the 14th floor of maclean, and sat by the couches. i felt in the primary school friendship making zone, we were excitedly choosing thread colours, what went well with what, and picking out beads. parts of me never grow up. we headed to this cute music shop because liv needed to get a few guitar picks. i bought one too, it was this really pretty robin blue. we decided to go get smoothies after. there was a smoothie place really nearby, on the map it said it was near LA fitness, or like in the same building as it, but we couldn't find it at all. and walked around for like 10 minutes probably. we realised that it was probably in LA fitness itself. liv asked the LA fitness counter people if the smoothie shop was inside, and they said yeah. and she was like do you have to be a member. and the dude was like yeah. but its fine go on in. we were so excited and both got this strawberry peach smoothie that tasted amazing. i think the lady made extra smoothie when she made liv's and gave her this small dipping container of extra smoothie, that was really horrendously awkward and funny. liv had no clue what to do with it. i just laughed. it was time to part after, parting with liv is always difficult. i remember parting for winter break, we were standing outside block 37 and she gave me a really big hug. i'll see her soon though!

sonia and i met joseph after, and we headed to go see his apartment that he just got the keys for. it is so odd that they have their own apartments now, it's like you're a real grownup. with your own place. and you can say like "do you guys wanna come over to my place after dinner?" like what. i'm still trying to make sense of that. or perhaps just the fact that we are miles and miles from home and living almost independently. it doesnt make sense most of the time. 

on wednesday, the cfw people met up, minus josh and hope plus calie at forever yogurt. it was sweet seeing everyone again and just hanging out. and forever yogurt is so gr8 omy. 

we took a drive to the crate&barrel outlet, then to morton arboretum the day before tricia flew off. driving around was really fun. being away from the city is always nice too. we stopped by this thai place for lunch and it was probably the most legit thai food i've had in chicago. so what happened was that we parked on one side of the road, and the food places were on the other side. we weren't bothered to go and find parking on the other side of the road. so there was having to cross this huge road with many cars that was nerverwrecking. cars scare me. driving stresses me out so bad too. i remember joseph tricia and sonia just sauntering across the road like bosses, while yuka and i watched so closely for traffic. sonia took a hilarious polaroid of joseph too. after heaving a huge sigh of relief after crossing the road, it occurred to me that we had to cross back after lunch. lol. anyway. back to the thai restaurant. i ordered what mum always orders and sent a photo of the seafood vermicelli salad to her. i always think of family when i try new food, or something i think they would like. i think i miss them most at these moments, in not being able to share little things like that with them. the crate and barrel outlet wasn't hugely impressive or anything. managed to get a french press and a thermos for pretty cheap though. 

we eventually reach the tree museum, and so much green greeted us. we walked around for a couple of hours, and took photos and stuff. i don't know if i wasn't in a nature-y mood or anything, but it somehow couldn't compare to the feeling of awe and wonderment standing before the lake at forest springs. the company was still nice though definitely. and nature is always nice to be in. 

we headed to Mojo's East Coast Eats (2758 Maple Avenue) for dinner. the food was good. the highlight for me though, was seeing this little boy and his dad. he was the cutest, being really proud to have his own meal, and sipping from his own little cup. he kept moving from chair to chair, to the point that he was sitting like 4 or 5 chairs from his dad. i talked to him a little, and he told me he was drinking apple juice. kids are so cute. i watched as they left, and his dad buckled him into his baby seat in the car and they drove off. 

it was a really nice day, the weather was beautiful. 

the sunday before we left, jo courtney and i agreed to all wear flannels. we said our goodbyes for the summer to courtney. joseph gave her a really sweet note and poem and we both watched as she teared up. it was bittersweet. i'm really thankful i got to know her better over the semester. she's gr9 cos gr8 doesn't justify her weird-smellycat-awesomeness.

i'm going to write about the next few days as a whole, it was essentially me joseph and sonia going around doing things together because we were the last few left in chicago. the days went mostly like sleeping until the sun woke us up, lazing around for the next two hours, deciding we were hungry and finding a place for lunch, doing something in between, heading to chinatown for dinner, watching movies. we found this place that sells oysters for $1 on weekdays i think it's between 3-6, that was soooo goooood. oysters are the bomb. we ordered like 30 i think. the place was really cute too. when you walk in it's just the bar, but then they have two floors downstairs, one that has only two tables, then the lowest floor with another bar then a couple more tables. the walls have weird little art pieces on it too, and there's a random door that probably opens out to who knows where that is above one of the tables. the lady who served us was really funny. and kept enticing us to order more. she had to carry a tray of the oysters to us even though she was dangerously allergic to them because there werent other servers around. luckily she didn't have a reaction or anything.

sonia got a projector for really cheap from the school firesale, and we'd just plug jo's computer in, and sonia's speakers and watch movies at night. we watched easy A and batman the dark knight. we started watching crazy stupid love, but it got jammed in between, and we were waiting for it to sort itself out, but ended up all falling asleep till the next morning.

we cycled to lincoln park one of the days. the route there is beautiful, especially the stretch along the lake. everyone was out enjoying the sun. 

we went to work out too. because all we did was eat and sleep.

the last evening, we were supposed to head to forever yogurt to have yogurt first, then to chinatown for dinner. but after yogurt we were way too full, and headed back to the apartment. we ordered in from the restaurant that we were supposed to go to. the damen station was so pretty because of the rain and the late sunset. 

it was a really great week. :) and a nice end to the long semester. 

i'm back in sg now. during cfw we did this list of 15 things we are grateful for everyday. and i think i should start to do it again. but here are a couple for this first week. 

1. times with the sister, sitting on her bed/sleeping on the floor of her room while i fall asleep and she watches the last episode of gilmore girls and feels the deep sense of emptiness and the 'gilmore girls shaped hole' (as she calls it) while i laugh and fall back to sleep.

2. exercising with the parents and realising that though they are three decades older than me, they are fitter than me. but food afterwards ahhhh so gooood.

3. how pretty singapore can be. for sunshine and warmth. (ok i complain a lot about the heat but ah the sunshine is nice)

4. sunday shopping with the mum and the sister like we used to do when we were kids. dad would drop us off in town on the way to badminton dangerously along the side of the street. and before he would stop the car he'd be like "kids, get ready get ready." "get ready ah?" "okay go!!!"

5. buddy. buddy. buddy. he is so sweet. he remembers me. he would follow me and come and lie next to me/sit with me and lie on his back so i'd scratch his belly. he's so sweet. i want to take him to chicago.

there are more things i'm sure. and will be definitely more to come. i will be more conscious to be thankful. :) thank you for reading. i wish you a wonderful rest of the week. 

To the Ones I've Come To Call Family

To the Ones I've Come To Call Family

 

We'll be on this train next week

Home

Home?

The first home

This has become home too

With familiar smiles

The exchange of knowing glances

Across crowds

Of knowing

Really knowing

Of realizing you are struggling

And you too

Fighting your battles

With utmost strength

And resilience

sometimes you get tired

Exhausted

But that's okay

I will hold your hand

And fight with you

If we both can't stand tall anymore

We'll sit in silence

And cry together

Before we pick up our swords again

Stronger than before

Of the familiar places

We have stepped foot in one too many times

For baby bak choy

And on choy

And bubble tea

And sushi nights

We can imitate each others'

Laughs

Accents

Point out quirks

Our bellies full (Joseph's especially)

Of warmth and laughter

Of trust and dependence

Of knowing if I fall

You'll be right there to catch me

I may not want you to

I may struggle And resist

And maybe punch you in the gut

But you will hold me

Until I calm down and

Let you

Today I am tired though

My ears are still available

But my heart is full

Your words settle on the surface

And slowly sink

My heart aches

I have no words

But who does though?

We are all close to worn out

With tired eyes and weary smiles

I lean my head on your shoulder

And you hold my hand

Each sunset is different

But they are all beautiful

cfw 2015

lying on the floor on sonia/tricia/yuka's apartment, my temporary living arrangement for the extra week i'm in chicago with no where to stay. the sunlight's coming in through the blinds and there's a golden tinge to everything right now. 

i've needed to write this post since friday but i've put it off because feelings are hard to feel, and even harder to put into words. i wanted to write a bunch of poems but just haven't felt any of them coming nor felt any ability to phrase them without murdering the moments i'm trying to capture. but let me try now in prose, and i will accept that moments and memories can't be adequately captured in words and whatever words i can conjure up will have to do.

the past week was spent at camp forest springs in westboro, wisconsin for intervarsity's chapter focus week. there was little time to process anything at all, for the semester ended on friday, moveout immediately, and saturday we left for wisconsin. it was a real blur and mess of time that i don't even understand how we managed it honestly. i remember spending the whole of friday making trips on foot with a huge cart of my belongings from the dorms to tricia's place, and taking an uber with clare to transport a couple luggages over too. that night, i hung out with shelby and clare for the last time before the four month break, and went for tricia/sonia/yuka's house warming, which was essentially me passed out on the floor from sheer exhaustion and feels of realising i wouldnt be seeing shelby and clare for 4 months and that made me pretty sad and grappling with the fact that the semester was over, just when i was starting to get used to it, and feel comfortable with it. i've talked about it way too many times, but straddling life between two places has been incredibly confusing and difficult, whenever it feels like i'm just getting comfortable in one place, it's time to return to the other. but it's just what this is for this season of time i suppose. i am grateful though, so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be in america and being able to do what i love.

i met clare for our last coffee run on saturday morning, i think it has become a tradition of ours, coffee and croissants, sometimes bagels. and i gave her a hug, and i think i tried not to cry. or maybe i was strong about it i can't remember. i get way too attached to people. and then i try to pretend i don't actually feel that much. and then i get really confused. this comes up again later. we'll get there. (okay sorry we don't actually get there i forgot where i wanted to mention it at.) courtney drives the minivan she managed to get and we load it, she and josh do mostly, at some point she climbs onto the top of the van. it was funny. joseph made a video and a commentary with some singing involved about it. and we eventually leave for cfw. 

there are so many moments worth remembering, they aren't going to be chronological because my brain doesn't work that way. 

1. the first night after we missed dinner, and headed for the first group session and were very hungry afterwards. we had two huge bowls of chicken, and hot chocolate, and sat in the very much dark, empty dining hall, talking. about things you least expect to talk about in a christian camp. i knew the week ahead was going to be good. 

2. moments after paintball, courtney explaining to me in great detail how if there were to be an apocalypse, she would likely be one of the first few to die because she hates guns. i tell her she can have her bow and arrows (she likes archery), and she gives me a look. and i say at least she gets to meet Jesus earlier, which she takes consolation in. we somehow ended up in a tickle fight in which she pins me into a puddle of soaking wet muddy mudness. it was much more fun than paintball. 

3. after that, we (all of us but rachel. but im sure rachel was there in spirit) jumped into the lake (also i just ate instant mac and cheese and i just needed to say how good it is. ah.) there's something about water that is captivating to me, perhaps being surrounded by it and feeling small and manageable and contained, perhaps the constancy in which the waves ebb, perhaps it sometimes feels the way God's presence does. 

4. i think it was sunday, when we skipped rocks, or i attempted really hard to but they just plunked into the water, tricia and joseph skipped them really well though. i rolled up my tights and walked around in the water. courtney asked me if i knew that the holy spirit first hovered over waters. i did not. genesis 1:1-2 "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters". 

5. chapter times, including cinnamon-rolls, and apricot sticking, walrus-looking joseph and courtney with pretzel sticks in their mouths, waddling like ducks, smelly-cat poem that courtney attempts to read half of the time trying to stifle her own laughter, and in the middle she goes "it keeps going" in shock as though she didn't write the poem it was funny, and also the first time i have ever heard anyone rhyme "poopoo" with "fairy tutu", joseph's limerick about the week we had together, it frustrates me how many other moments i can't remember i know there were more, but i guess they'll surface when they want to, throwing play-doh at each other, vomit granola bars, rachel saying pangsai pangsai pangsai, joseph reading all 15 things he was thankful for, some days there were 17, some days there were 10, but i enjoyed listening to all of them.

6. rachel dancing at one of our rest stops on the drive back, flailing two empty starbucks cups in her two hands

7. sitting with hope

8. shooting hoops with joseph

9. sprinting with courtney, i was in sneakers, she was in rainboots. she still sprinted with me. we sat on a ledge after, and joseph took a photo. i made a face. 

10. all the artmaking we did. unserious artmaking, that takes away the stress of conceptualisation, aesthetic considerations and everything that goes into artmaking, but purely markers, crayons, pastels, pencils on paper. it is ironically moments like these that make me doubt less that i was made to be an artist.

11. in the car when everyone was dancing to the wedding song from prince of egypt.

12. praying for josh.

13. tricia being at camp. was really great. 

14. at a rest stop on the drive back, eating kfc and mashed potatoes. because. fried chicken. need i say more.

15. actually yeah i do need to say more, chicken was one factor, but it was also the realisation of the bonds we forged over the past week, and we were at a rest stop on the drive here, and how the company felt so different, from strangers to almost family? i don't think that's exaggerating, there was so much open vulnerability and trust that was built, on the foundation of our faith, and knowing and still wanting more of Jesus. 

16. sitting with courtney facing the lake, and crying. but knowing it was okay and letting her hold me. we made dandelion chains after that. the sap of dandelion does not taste nice. 

17. sitting by a stream on one of the trails for close to two and a half hours by myself, and letting God speak into the areas that i was struggling with and revealing why. and not fighting Him, and the sound of the water was really really comforting. and drawing in between. i haven't drawn in a while. i would have stayed longer. but i needed to pee. the sound of the water trickling didn't help. 

18. sugarpie. lol.

19. kayaking with joseph and rachel and tricia. i almost tipped the kayak. the lake. the lake. the lake. every lake. all lakes. be mine. please.

20. drawing our hands on the paper one on top of the other :)

21. hugs.

22. tricia, for being tricia.

23. rachel, for being rachel.

24. josh, for being josh.

25. hope, for being hope. 

26. joseph, for being joseph.

27. courtney, for being courtney.

there's so much more. but i don't think i can write anymore. writing hasn't come easily recently. but in essence, i'm constantly amazed at the things God does, in our hearts, and within community. something that struck me was that there is a distinction between knowing about God and knowing God. and i do want to truly know Him. 

have a wonderful week ahead you.