this week, though it passed really quickly, was really really difficult. definitely the hardest week in chicago so far. monday found me late for class. i had art history that started at 9. when i got up, it was 9.10am. my prof is pretty strict about lateness, absenteeism and sleeping in class. he mentioned that if you were to arrive 5 minutes late, you would be marked as late. if you hit the 30 minute mark, you'd be marked absent and be asked to leave. i started panicking and took a couple of minutes to decide whether even to turn up, whether it'd be worth it to risk being publicly asked to leave. a huge part of me didnt wanna miss class, just cos it was a good class, and the discussions are really intense and i know i'd miss out. i threw on a hoodie and jeans and rushed out. thank God the train arrived immediately as i reached the platform. once it hit the stop, i was up and running to my classroom to meet the 9.30am mark. i remember being in the lift going up and looking at the time, 9.28am. i made it right on the dot. i opened the door and the prof just stared at me. i said "sir, sorry do you want me to leave?" he just motioned me to come in quickly. it was a mad rush, and the rest of the day passed by really slowly, and really relaxed... throughout the rush though, i wasn't like particularly anxious or anything, part of me knew that it would all work out. i think i've learnt to depend on God a little more, not even in a supernatural sense, but just knowing that He is there, and with Him there is peace.
the rest of the week passed by in a flu-rry (hurhur), really had to drag myself to classes on wednesday and friday and was in bed the whole of thursday. it was the first time since i got here that i truly truly felt homesick, missing the familiarity of home, the people, the places, mum and dad and the sister. when people say "i have food at home" or "i wanna go home", referring to the dorms, a part of me screams "that is not home". at first, i thought it's weakness, and that i really shouldn't feel this way, and that i should just suck it up and be okay. but i realised it's okay to let myself feel, to cry when i need to cry, to ask for help when i need it. and when i've done all that i have needed to do to get all these feelings out of my system, to smile and be strong and know that things are going to be okay.
there's a lot of looking beyond myself as well, i think when i realise that i am small in relation to the city around me and the country, and the universe (that escalated quickly), that i realise that the things that i struggle with aren't that big afterall, and that my God is greater. on thursday night, after sleeping the whole day away, and eyes puffy from crying, i pulled myself out of bed and decided to take a walk to buckingham fountain. the city usually looks amazing to me, like i am constantly in awe of how pretty the city is. but that night, i couldn't bring myself to think that anything looked pretty. i just walked for the sake of walking - to enjoy the cold a bit and just to get out of the house and out of my thoughts. i met 3 people along the way and i'm going to tell you about them and what they meant to me.
1. near the museum, hidden in a corner, i saw a girl sobbing. she was really just sobbing and crying her eyes out (what i was doing probably two hours back). i sat next to her and asked her if she's okay (dumb question, obviously not but it was the easiest way to start a conversation haha), and i put my arm around her. she just continued crying for a bit. she said it was depression. i just sat with her for a bit until she was ready to leave. she asked me where i was going. i said i didn't really know, i was just taking a walk and asked if she wanted to walk with me. she didn't take up my offer but she thanked me anyways and left.
2. i was rounding columbus, when a chinese lady came up to me to ask for directions to the museum entrance with the lions. on finding out i could speak chinese, the conversation became a lot easier. she asked where i was studying. i said art. she said that's good art is good. i asked her what brings her to chicago. she said she's touring with her friend and they were supposed to meet at the entrance with the lions. i asked if she needed me to walk her over, she said it's fine and clarified the directions again. we parted at the intersection.
3. after walking down to buckingham fountain - sidenote, it wasn't probably even to see the fountain, i realised upon getting there that i knew how it would look like and i could picture the walk there, but it was more just of a destination to reach and something to mark off what i intended to do when i set off for the walk - i was headed back to the dorms when i decided i should probably stop putting off getting my baking stuff and go and actually get them. i needed trays and butter and baking-related items, the dorms don't provide any not that i expected them to. i headed into target and picked up everything i needed and queued to pay. the cashier was a girl a couple of years older than me. baking? she asked. yup i said. chocolate chip muffins? yup! she said chocolate chip muffins sound good right now. i asked if she had a long day and she said yeah. and proceeded to tell me about her schedule and how thursday was her longest day, cos she does boxing from 6 ish to 7 ish, school from 9ish to 3 ish and she works 4-10pm and she has to commute home after. she said she just started school two weeks ago and is doing her masters and that it is hard to get back into the routine of school after a couple of years and though it is only till the summer of 2015, it is still a challenge. i told her it's going to be friday soon and to hang in there! the customers behind me gave her smiles of encouragements as well. i thanked her and she told me to have a good night. i did have a good night afterall.
1, to me, showed me that everyone is facing their own battles, their own challenges. 2, we are all directionless at some point, and lost and confused, and that's okay. 3, we'll figure things out along the way - and know what we want to do, for the next season, for her it was her masters, for others it could be other things, but we eventually figure things out step by step. and though there are struggles along the way, to truly just hang in there and make the best out of whatever you're in.
all in all, that people need people. and the little interaction i had with each one of these three people just spoke to be so greatly about that. there is some sort of alone-ness - that we each have our own battles, and even in this season i feel like i'm being taught how to truly be independent of people, and dependent on God alone - but also in everything, that truly people are important. and relationships are important and worth investing in.
that concludes my very long string of thoughts that sums up this week. :) i'm going to leave you with some pretty pictures of chicago.
have a good week y'all. thanks for stopping by. :)
