my body remembers better than my mind which stop to get off at for which train or bus, which corner to turn to get to wherever i want to go. the trains are almost sparkling clean compared to chicago. there are many more elderly people here.
is it weird to feel foreign in the place where you're from? i feel like in the states it was so much of attempting to hide my foreignness - "faking" an accent, dressing differently, and now foreignness is felt so acutely within, instead of outwardly.
i feel myself clutching onto my purse, though there's almost no need to do that here. the wariness of crime in the states has ingrained such a fear. i feel alone walking the streets, maybe because home is always associated with hanging out with people, but i have yet to reconnect with many people yet. my room is still my refuge, as it was in chicago too. and my phone is too much a source of comfort - making distant friends seem so much closer.
i want to be present more, ya know. i feel like everyone kindof wants to but are afraid to. we hide behind our devices. there are the occasional ones that don't. or are genuinely not interested in interacting. i remember a friend telling me a story of her dad helping out at some tree planting event. there was free coffee and a bunch of tables to socialize at. he stood by the coffee intentionally because he just wanted to plant the trees and take off. but people kept approaching him thinking he was lonely or left out. he got really annoyed. i found that so hilarious. part of me wants to be that kind of satisfied with being alone.
dad helped me move the two single beds and bed frames out of my room (technically just one, the other frame we made into a shelf hee), and the queen sized one down from the attic. it took sooo much work but we got it done. i watched this video of a teenager on youtube one of those famous ones that are famous at wayyy too young redecorate her room with her dad, and i just felt like a child again. which is nice, but also weird.
No comments:
Post a Comment