thoughts about space

I have been thinking about place lately. A lot of thoughts have come from TA-ing i hope they don't bore you (then again it's my blog and i can write whatever i dont know why i always feel the need to write disclaimers). i teach in the same class i had a drawing class in two semesters ago, and it is also where i work on my own drawings after class. it's odd how the space feels different depending on what capacity of a human being i am functioning as. as a student, it's a classroom, and a space where critiques happen, where class happens, and i associate it with however i find the class to be - emotions, processes, etc. when i teach, the space somehow feels a little more mine, and more within my control - of dictating in some sense atmosphere, be it physically through the arrangement of tables and chairs, the playing of music, the cleanliness of the place, or metaphysically - what kind of teaching environment am i fostering, what conversations am i having with the kids, how am i speaking to them? and when it functions as my studio space, and i am acting in the capacity of an artist, there's a distance from the space, it is purely functional, and i am simply making work. it's odd how it is all the same classroom, the same physical place, yet functions/feels so different depending on context.

i thought about something bri said that day too, about places being charged, with whatever experiences, memories, anything else. and they carry a semblance of the past with them. it differs for each individual. i think that's fascinating.

about what?

larissa was sitting across from me today, and we were kind of talking about my artwork. there was a pause, and she said "what are your thoughts?"

i said, "about what?"

she said, "everything, anything."

i glanced at her, assuming it was a passing comment. but it wasn't. i knew she was listening. really listening.

i wonder if it's worrying that someone listening surprises me.

banal

i've been feeling the need to write about everything - i think writing helps me to document, and also to process my thoughts. shared a moment with my drawing teacher today - maybe it isnt shared lol but to me, it was a moment that was hm. maybe significant in some sense. there are some moments like that that are banal or maybe everyday, but i know have some sort of weight. even if i dont know how to explain it. i ta-ed with this other teacher, and the both of them know each other. and i wanted to ask her about it today, but didn't know whether it was weird to. i get anxiety a lot in situations like that i don't really know why. there are some people, that it just comes naturally, and they just say whatever comes to their minds - i do that with my really close friends - but i speak very considered and filtered thoughts with people i'm still getting to know/not extremely familiar with. i took so long, to just muster the ability to ask her, 

"hey are you and her friends?" 

and the moment i uttered it, i knew she knew that i was waiting to ask the question for a while. she like smiled, and said 

"are you her ta?" 

i laughed. and she was like 

"how do i know this?'

and im like

"she.. texted you?" 

"immediately" /-

busy busy busy but good

it's been a wonderful weekend, incredibly packed, but wonderful. tanya came to visit, it felt like i was home again - it's odd how just her presence could make everything feel a little more familiar. 

antique taco - we shared fish and beef tacos

queued for jeni's for at least 30 minutes - we got popcorn, poached pear, and brambleberry

went to lvl 3, tan met hope, we tried to understand art for a while

headed to a warehouse where lvl3 had an afterparty, cheap drinks, and dancing wew wew/ jubs and marquisha were like the dancing duo it was cute

8am the next morning shelb came to pick us and elena up to go to starved rock, we forgot to update ciel about meeting time and place, and drove to her place to try and get her, but she wasnt there. ha.

we hiked pretty far, it was beautiful, went to duffy's tavern for lunch, the antique store that shelb and clare went the last time, went to the pink gorilla cupcake shop that noelle said we needed to go to. shelb dropped us off, and elena, tan and i showered, and went to see the buckingham fountain, dropped by the bean, and headed to my fav restaurant in chinatown. we had really good conversations that night.

i had class on monday, but tan and i went to wicker park after - we popped by kokoro, and ragstock, then went to umami because i wanted her to try the tuna burger. i think we just headed home after. 

we woke up super early the next morning for wildberry before i went to class. 

i walked to the train station and felt sad. i love friends visiting but it's always so hard when they leave.

it was a good weekend though. :)

this week has been peppered with really enjoyable meetings with people i care about - lis, bri&courtney, family group (sarah was back in town for the weekend!!!), saw shelb&clare for like two seconds, met page for brunch, going to watch zoi and her family play, moments of hanging out in the apt with ryan and elizabeth, and getting work done too. this weekend was crazy with TA-ing from 8am-4.30pm. there's something about teaching that feeds my soul (as pretentious as that sounds lol). just interacting with students, and also the teachers teaching the class - there's just so much each individual has that the rest of us don't. and i feel like so often we forget that, and don't have time to interact with others, or really truly listen. while sitting by the lake with bri&courtney on friday night, bri said something about my ability to be present in the conversation and show that i am listening, yet still be acutely aware and conscious of everything that isn't the conversation. i cant remember who i had this other conversation with that said something about how everyone is busy, and getting from place to place, but there's a difference between people who are simply rushing from task to task, and those who are conscious to simply be present wherever they are in the midst of busyness. presence. i guess. is something im thinking about lately. perhaps because, i catch my mind wandering off places, before coming back to where i am, and being like "okay, i'm here". it reminds me of the passage about samuel in 1 sam 3, and how God was calling him, and each time he went to eli and said "here i am, you called me", before eli realised it was God speaking to samuel.

talked to pa and ma before church today, and it's so weird to have to condense so much that happened over the past week and a half on both sides into 30 minutes of rambling. and it was like oh! i need to tell them about this and this and this. and when i hung up, it was like oh there was this and this and this too.. distance is a weird thing. but perhaps in the need to summarize, i also notice what is more important to me? maybe not. maybe it's just whats the most fresh, or what im worried about. 

i went for service today, and sat with paige and osee. during worship, we sang the line "your name is love, a love that always finds me, always finds me", and "my fears were drowned in perfect love". and i just thought about all the times that God has called me back to him, time and time again, he searches me out, knows the things that tug upon my heart, and calls me gently back to him. in a way that, draws me back. i'm not saying i don't struggle, and that i've not strayed again, but hm each time i receive a new revelation of what his love is. i still struggle with my faith, and have questions and doubts, and sometimes dont understand, but. there's something within me that is convinced that God is bigger than all of this - He knows, and He loves. 

school and life has been crazy, but i'm very incredibly thankful. listening to zoi and her family play last night was such a blessing, to just be immersed in music, and to have fun, and to let loose a little - with tambourines and drums, and to just be. and know that that is enough. was sweet.