Feeling an incredible sense of nostalgia - but I always am somehow in a state of longing - to be somewhere, sometime, someone else. Is it a trait of our generation? Then again, it seems to be all around lately - with fashion going back to the 90s/2000s, phone accessories, selfies… had lunch with some ex-colleagues today and they were surprised that I was older than they thought I was. Being in my late 20s isn’t what I thought it’d feel like. I think I expected to have my life “more together” and to feel more “adult” to handle the responsibilities that have added up. 

• I still have the bad habit of pulling my hair.
• I still feel anxious on Sunday nights before work.
• I still feel comforted when I come home and my parents are around.
• I still call my dad to pick me up when I’m feeling really exhausted.
• I still do not buy my own toothpaste and toilet paper (mom does it for the whole household).
• There are still so many stills.

But I look back too, and realise while it doesn’t feel like it, I have grown in many ways. Various aspects of work feel a little easier (though more keeps getting piled on). I am more comfortable facing my classes even on days when I don’t feel like going to work. I have accepted that I cannot do everything at 100% all the time. I have learnt that rest is crucial. I give less time of day to things that don’t deserve my energy or mental space. I try to celebrate little wins, even when the voices in my head try to convince me it’s not enough. I care less about what people who don’t really matter say to me (though less is still more than I should). I try to be as present as I can. I am a lot more sure of myself than I used to be. 

I think the older we grow too, the curve of growth gets gentler - it is harder for us to learn and unlearn and relearn things. We get stuck in our ways. We are more resistance to change. We hold onto familiarity, how things “should be / have always been” done. We think we know better. But so long as we stay conscious to be open to growth, to acknowledging that we do not know everything, that there are always things to learn, then we will continue to grow. And to keep growing is crucial.

Maybe it is okay for life to feel a little mundane some days. For some days to be horrible and exhausting and busy. For some to be restful, and joyful and filled with moments that make our hearts feel full. And for the others to feel like nothing at all.

Been doing ceramics lately - I don’t particularly love it, but I just feel a need to at least know how to do it well. Sometimes, you just have to place your hands at a certain position and hold them there - nothing more. Maybe that’s what this phase of life feels like - that it is okay to feel stuck, and that maybe feeling stuck for this period of time and sticking through with the various tasks, routines, hard and boring things, is what will help to get me to the next step.