婆婆's passing is slowly but surely sinking in. i think parts of me are still in disbelief. But i think about her laughing, or copying my cousins and me make cute or cheeky poses in photographs, and realise those are memories. i would not see those moments in person again. at least not in this lifetime.
loss hits you in various ways - it can be nuanced, or at times a huge wave that crashes out of nowhere. i think i've had to experience loss in different ways over the course of the past year. first, was the loss of my paternal grandmother. it was pretty unexpected. i remember being in disbelief and hoping it was not true. however, as soon as i heard my dad over the phone, i broke down. shock, sadness, and horror poured down my cheeks in tears. i remember at the funeral, someone was trying to tell me how i should or shouldnt be while processing my grief. it stirred up so much anger in me. i don't think one should be told how they should grieve. i think we each grieve differently in our own ways.
i remember why i started seeing my therapist early last year. i think a lot of it was processing grief of leaving the states. i didnt/could not recognize/accept that one could grieve a place or a life that one has built, the way one grieves a person. it felt like grieving for sure. the next few months, i allowed myself to process grief - i think i gave myself time then - which i don't think i am giving myself now.
after that i think was the grieving of everything else associated with chicago - mostly people: my roommates, my good friends, people i thought i'd never be close to but end up having many hangouts and lunches at parks. each meeting, i counted if it would be "the last time" i'd see friends. some perhaps will be - i don't really know. who knows these things and what life brings. some people i didn't get a chance to meet up with and goodbyes were exchanged over texts.
then, i experienced my first breakup, with my ex-boyfriend whom i'd fallen pretty hard for. there's this video of the two of us i keep watching. we are sitting on the couch at his place, and his face is right up close to the camera. he blows a bubble with his spit. i laugh. and he turns and smiles at me. you can tell we were happy together. it's been difficult processing this breakup perhaps because it is my first, perhaps i romanticise it because i know it's something i'll never have/will never be the same. i keep thinking one day he'd be posted to singapore and fall in love with the beauty of this land (honestly who wouldnt be. just close an eye to the heat :P it is pretty hot though.) and move. but the likelihood of that is really none. i've been reminded though, how singapore is really home, and i don't want to live anywhere else honestly. it's weird - feeling so sure about that.
the latest loss was the loss of my maternal grandmother. i didn't feel anything initially. i wondered if it was because i wasn't really close to her. that felt like a possible reason. during the funeral, grieve hit me so hard. i wonder if i was so sick of dealing with loss that it was a coping mechanism to reject any feelings like it. as i cut her clothes up into patches for a quilt for my grandpa, i recall her love for me: the moments we have shared, how she's known me since i was born, and loved me until the day she died.
loss is an emptiness within your soul that kinda just lingers. perhaps some losses heal over time. i think some do not. you kinda just learn how to manage the various losses in the ways you know how. even so, sometimes they hit you like a brick. loss isn't very considerate at times.
but there's also gain. i don't think you gain because of loss (i mean i guess maybe sometimes), but i think you constantly gain and lose throughout your life. and there's no point being calculative if you've gained or lost more, thus deducing if you should be happy or grateful or not. it is perhaps simply taking what comes your way genuinely - it doesnt always look graceful or pretty - i think you need to be true to yourself and those around you.
(imagine photo of roommates here because we got no good ones)
