been lately been in a place of isolation, or desiring to be alone more than anything that has resulted in a lot of time wasted sleeping. i say wasted because i don't wake up feeling refreshed or great, but more exhausted and guilty for sleeping i think. i think there has been a pattern of this happening every semester when it gets midway, or getting really tired, still wanting to make work but not knowing where to draw energy from i think. i think a lot of it is losing sight of God. or always forgetting how important it is to commune with Him and realizing that striving is futile. it's easy to say that, but difficult to desire to set aside even a half hour to being still, or reading the word, when there's a pile of assignments that are time sensitive, and other commitments that i drag my feet to half the time not wanting to be there because all i want to do is be in bed by myself.
i dont think anything is wrong. or nothing is bothering me that much. it's just a lot of frustration in not knowing what i am really doing, or not wanting to be here, but also not having anywhere else i want to be. dad asked me this morning why i am so homesick. but i don't think i am homesick. existential frustration? lol. i hate being meta. and i remember talking with sam, one of my professors that i really respect and she suggested this installation that i do which was essentially an empty room, with a window or something. and i was like that's so meta. and she was like the ideas you are thinking of are very meta. i laughed. do i embrace that. or not. i don't. know.
i was standing outside a crit space with shelby and jason, and just catching up a little, i hadn't seen jason in a while, and it was nice to chat, and be reminded of why i enjoyed his classes so much - his frankness, and just making i guess. he asked if i wanted to sit in on a crit, and very much insisted i did. but i think i felt way to self-conscious to sit in on a class that i wasn't part of and was very self-aware of perhaps being more of a hindrance. i took the lift down to the cafeteria to work on readings, then it just hit me, the frustration of why i think so much about the things i do. i don't think i would have been any less than a contributor to the crit if i had sit in and i don't think anyone would care if i were there, or not, i knew half the sophomores in there too. and i was just very frustrated at my own feelings of inadequacy, because i knew a lot of the time they arent valid. i continued reading. laughed? tried to brush these thoughts off, but they just sat.
i sat at jeni's today by myself. they didn't have my favourite flavour, the sweet corn one that clare says tastes like grits (i dont like grits but clare does but i dont think they taste like grits) because they were transitioning to spring flavours. the girl was like "do you need to taste anything or do you.. know" and i was like "i know. sweet corn and lemon buttermilk thanks." and shes like "oh there's no more sweet corn" and i literally like grunted. and she suggested bramble-berry and said okay. i sat close to the door and just ate my ice-cream. i feel like it was just these 10 minutes where everything was finally quiet, and everything felt okay. i should definitely eat ice-cream more. i finished the last scoop, picked up my coat, made sure i didn't leave anything behind and left.
im okay though. like everything is very much good. it's a couple weeks till summer break. listening to my sister's soundcloud is very comforting.
