lying on the floor on sonia/tricia/yuka's apartment, my temporary living arrangement for the extra week i'm in chicago with no where to stay. the sunlight's coming in through the blinds and there's a golden tinge to everything right now.
i've needed to write this post since friday but i've put it off because feelings are hard to feel, and even harder to put into words. i wanted to write a bunch of poems but just haven't felt any of them coming nor felt any ability to phrase them without murdering the moments i'm trying to capture. but let me try now in prose, and i will accept that moments and memories can't be adequately captured in words and whatever words i can conjure up will have to do.
the past week was spent at camp forest springs in westboro, wisconsin for intervarsity's chapter focus week. there was little time to process anything at all, for the semester ended on friday, moveout immediately, and saturday we left for wisconsin. it was a real blur and mess of time that i don't even understand how we managed it honestly. i remember spending the whole of friday making trips on foot with a huge cart of my belongings from the dorms to tricia's place, and taking an uber with clare to transport a couple luggages over too. that night, i hung out with shelby and clare for the last time before the four month break, and went for tricia/sonia/yuka's house warming, which was essentially me passed out on the floor from sheer exhaustion and feels of realising i wouldnt be seeing shelby and clare for 4 months and that made me pretty sad and grappling with the fact that the semester was over, just when i was starting to get used to it, and feel comfortable with it. i've talked about it way too many times, but straddling life between two places has been incredibly confusing and difficult, whenever it feels like i'm just getting comfortable in one place, it's time to return to the other. but it's just what this is for this season of time i suppose. i am grateful though, so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be in america and being able to do what i love.
i met clare for our last coffee run on saturday morning, i think it has become a tradition of ours, coffee and croissants, sometimes bagels. and i gave her a hug, and i think i tried not to cry. or maybe i was strong about it i can't remember. i get way too attached to people. and then i try to pretend i don't actually feel that much. and then i get really confused. this comes up again later. we'll get there. (okay sorry we don't actually get there i forgot where i wanted to mention it at.) courtney drives the minivan she managed to get and we load it, she and josh do mostly, at some point she climbs onto the top of the van. it was funny. joseph made a video and a commentary with some singing involved about it. and we eventually leave for cfw.
there are so many moments worth remembering, they aren't going to be chronological because my brain doesn't work that way.
1. the first night after we missed dinner, and headed for the first group session and were very hungry afterwards. we had two huge bowls of chicken, and hot chocolate, and sat in the very much dark, empty dining hall, talking. about things you least expect to talk about in a christian camp. i knew the week ahead was going to be good.
2. moments after paintball, courtney explaining to me in great detail how if there were to be an apocalypse, she would likely be one of the first few to die because she hates guns. i tell her she can have her bow and arrows (she likes archery), and she gives me a look. and i say at least she gets to meet Jesus earlier, which she takes consolation in. we somehow ended up in a tickle fight in which she pins me into a puddle of soaking wet muddy mudness. it was much more fun than paintball.
3. after that, we (all of us but rachel. but im sure rachel was there in spirit) jumped into the lake (also i just ate instant mac and cheese and i just needed to say how good it is. ah.) there's something about water that is captivating to me, perhaps being surrounded by it and feeling small and manageable and contained, perhaps the constancy in which the waves ebb, perhaps it sometimes feels the way God's presence does.
4. i think it was sunday, when we skipped rocks, or i attempted really hard to but they just plunked into the water, tricia and joseph skipped them really well though. i rolled up my tights and walked around in the water. courtney asked me if i knew that the holy spirit first hovered over waters. i did not. genesis 1:1-2 "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters".
5. chapter times, including cinnamon-rolls, and apricot sticking, walrus-looking joseph and courtney with pretzel sticks in their mouths, waddling like ducks, smelly-cat poem that courtney attempts to read half of the time trying to stifle her own laughter, and in the middle she goes "it keeps going" in shock as though she didn't write the poem it was funny, and also the first time i have ever heard anyone rhyme "poopoo" with "fairy tutu", joseph's limerick about the week we had together, it frustrates me how many other moments i can't remember i know there were more, but i guess they'll surface when they want to, throwing play-doh at each other, vomit granola bars, rachel saying pangsai pangsai pangsai, joseph reading all 15 things he was thankful for, some days there were 17, some days there were 10, but i enjoyed listening to all of them.
6. rachel dancing at one of our rest stops on the drive back, flailing two empty starbucks cups in her two hands
7. sitting with hope
8. shooting hoops with joseph
9. sprinting with courtney, i was in sneakers, she was in rainboots. she still sprinted with me. we sat on a ledge after, and joseph took a photo. i made a face.
10. all the artmaking we did. unserious artmaking, that takes away the stress of conceptualisation, aesthetic considerations and everything that goes into artmaking, but purely markers, crayons, pastels, pencils on paper. it is ironically moments like these that make me doubt less that i was made to be an artist.
11. in the car when everyone was dancing to the wedding song from prince of egypt.
12. praying for josh.
13. tricia being at camp. was really great.
14. at a rest stop on the drive back, eating kfc and mashed potatoes. because. fried chicken. need i say more.
15. actually yeah i do need to say more, chicken was one factor, but it was also the realisation of the bonds we forged over the past week, and we were at a rest stop on the drive here, and how the company felt so different, from strangers to almost family? i don't think that's exaggerating, there was so much open vulnerability and trust that was built, on the foundation of our faith, and knowing and still wanting more of Jesus.
16. sitting with courtney facing the lake, and crying. but knowing it was okay and letting her hold me. we made dandelion chains after that. the sap of dandelion does not taste nice.
17. sitting by a stream on one of the trails for close to two and a half hours by myself, and letting God speak into the areas that i was struggling with and revealing why. and not fighting Him, and the sound of the water was really really comforting. and drawing in between. i haven't drawn in a while. i would have stayed longer. but i needed to pee. the sound of the water trickling didn't help.
18. sugarpie. lol.
19. kayaking with joseph and rachel and tricia. i almost tipped the kayak. the lake. the lake. the lake. every lake. all lakes. be mine. please.
20. drawing our hands on the paper one on top of the other :)
21. hugs.
22. tricia, for being tricia.
23. rachel, for being rachel.
24. josh, for being josh.
25. hope, for being hope.
26. joseph, for being joseph.
27. courtney, for being courtney.
there's so much more. but i don't think i can write anymore. writing hasn't come easily recently. but in essence, i'm constantly amazed at the things God does, in our hearts, and within community. something that struck me was that there is a distinction between knowing about God and knowing God. and i do want to truly know Him.
have a wonderful week ahead you.
