about meeting new people

(this may sound like a negative post initially but bear with me it's not!)

i've been meeting a lot of new people lately - just coming to college, and the US and a whole new living environment. new faces, people, stories were really exciting and fun at first, but it just reached a point that it got exhausting. and i started to be very skeptical about the whole idea of making new friends and meeting new people. small talk firstly, was something i thought was really tiring and i didn't enjoy it at all, making conversation to fill the silence, just because i wanted to fill the silence - having more or less no interest in what the other person's answer would be to my question/whatever i just said. for me, i also felt the need to prove myself - in a sense that i felt like there was no way someone new is going to know me well enough. i was always afraid that what i talk about would be mundane and boring but that's not me, i just haven't reached the interesting fun part of me yet lol and some parts of me would scream "you'll like me i promise you just don't know me yet!!"

but lately, i've come to realise, that small talk is not completely a waste of time - it reveals little things about people, quirks, likes and dislikes, just little interesting things. and these little things lead to more significant conversations, the conversations "worth having" so to speak, but i do see worth in small talk too. and small talk is sometimes nice to fill the gaps, i cannot imagine having heart-to-heart/intense conversations 24/7. i don't think i'd have energy for anything else. but i guess by small talk i don't mean things merely to fill silences, i think silences are okay, sometimes silences are good. but talking about things that you genuinely are interested in knowing, and finding out. 

also, i've come to acknowledge, that it takes time for people to know each other. it just takes time. it isn't necessary to pour out your whole life story immediately, nor is there a need for someone to know you extremely well the first time you meet. because it isn't possible. it just isn't. that's the beauty of relationship/friendships to me i think, how everyone is different, and complicated and it's probably impossible to know someone completely through and through. and the journey of friendship is exciting because we find out new things about even our oldest friends from time to time. and that's what makes us human i guess. that we can't just list out all our life events, or characteristics, or even make a list addressing the question "who are you?" because there are things about ourselves that we have yet to find out too. and there's no need to prove myself, it's just learning to just be i guess. be myself in the moment that i meet someone new and if i happen to be quiet that day, then i was quiet that day. it's okay. the people who will come to know you, will come to know you. 

there are definitely still moments, that i struggle with being around new people and feel out of place, and there are days that i just decide ok no, I'm not going to this thing because i just can't deal with people today and i curl up in bed with netflix and a glass of lemonade. but there are others, that i tell myself that it's going to be worth it and it's just something i need to overcome and do for myself even if part of me dreads it. and i do go for whatever thing that it is. sometimes, it just turns out just okay and fine, nothing special, i come home exhausted but glad i pushed my personal boundaries. and others, i end up meeting really really amazing people and having a good time, and these times make all the other average/bad times feel worth it. for if you never try, you'll never know. 

i've been wanting to write this post for a while, but have never found the right words, nor felt the need to. i don't think it's written the best it can, but that's just my spiel for you about everything this is about i guess :) 

spring sem begins

have been feeling the need to write for a while, but the words never seem to string up well or flow right. but i'm going to try anyway. it's weird to start school again. it's as if going home was a dream. going home was really good though - familiarity is always comfortable, and seeing family is the best part, and being able to go for dinners and not have to have a screen separate us, friends too just catching up and hanging out again. i feel like i treasure people more, and spend my time more wisely because there is knowledge that there's a limited amount of it? some people say that it's harder to leave home the second time because of how comfortable everything is, but i think it's easier, just because i know that not much has changed. family is always a constant. and yes it is difficult to leave no doubt, but i know that they are always supporting me :) close friends too. there are definitely things that change too, like the youths in ignyte, some parts of sg, relationships with some friends, but there are sacrifices to make i guess. for the most part, it was good to be home. :)

and nothing much seems to have changed back here (except maybe that joanie isn't in chicago anymore and no more family dinners. i was just telling tricia just now when it suddenly hit me. cos tomorrow is sunday and sunday nights are family dinner nights). i've gone for 4/6 of my classes already, and they are all really intense. it scares me a lot. i'm still in holiday mood though, i come back from class and sprawl myself out on my bed, and watch gilmore girls as if i don't have readings to do and work to worry about. which is terrible. but i'm giving myself a week to settle in. also, i have just finished all 7 seasons. and there's this huge sense of emptiness right now. lol. i really liked the series though. i feel like it didn't sugar coat the tough things in life - like the complications in relationships, how feelings are complicated things, how life isn't a bed of roses. i am for sure going to watch it all over again someday haha. but not anytime in the near future.

it's really really nice to see familiar faces, and i'm really thankful for the friends i've made the last semester. i met clare for umami burger today and it was so so great to just catch up and to know that nothing has changed despite the month-long break. let me digress. umami burger. their truffle ketchup. like everyone. everyone. needs. to. try. it. i preferred clare's tuna burger to the beef one that i got, but they were both really good. and the sweet potato fries and onion rings tooo. ok back to clare. our schedules are very much clashing this semester which is meh. we had a morning coffee/croissant thing the last few weeks of fall sem which is harder to do now. but we'll work it out i hope. 

hanging out with the whole gang has been really nice and chill too. we go to china town way way way too much. and get bubble tea a lot. and sushi from osaka - which has really amazing avocado smoothies. 

OH ALSO, i have finally learnt/decided that i should start using the crock pot. it's an amazing invention. have cooked chicken/mushroom/scallop porridge that tastes like mummy's homecooked one! and onion/chicken/mushroom/scallop soup which was not bad also. homey feels.

mixed feelings about this sem. but we're going to have to get through it anyway! thankful for good professors/instructors so far. believing that it'll be a good sem :)

i hope you are having a wonderful week!

ac

I went back to AC today and am amazed at how many good memories AC holds - the people i've met, the things i did, the memories collected. it leaves me really really nostalgic, but i know that even if i were to have the chance to go back in time and relive it, i wouldn't. These things - once is enough. and the fact that you can only experience it once makes it beautiful. we have one chance, we take it and make the best of things. at the end of the day, it isn't the score from IB that is significant, but the people, the little moments - of helping each other with horrible math hl, chinese oral, science ias, taking breaks and having conversations over tehping and hello panda, spraying down the basha sheet after orientation sock wars, 'running' around school for morning jog, significant conversations at the astro, sac, the old amphitheatre, lying on the astro under the night sky, hugs, learning a ton of things from both peers and teachers.

today, mr farlow talked to me about being a salt and light. that talk is nothing unless your life and actions match up to your words. i shivered as he expounded on the bitter cold of winter, laughed as he recounted little things about school and life, as he excitedly shared about his two grandsons and how he was going to take them out for walks, hear them talk, and "roll about in the grass" with them. he shared about how he is really content with his job and watching us grow from the point we start classes, and beyond school - watching us bloom from a distance. he's such a contented, joyful and genuine man, with such a passion for life, God's will and the people around him. it has been my blessing and my privilege to have been taught by him. he still drinks weird healthy things - today was a bright purple-ish pink juice. it had beetroot in it.

mdm angela ong asked how school was, how life was - encouraged me to travel a lot and make use of the opportunity and time while they last, because once work comes in life'll be different. i asked her if she ever regretted her decision to go into teaching. she said no. that it is the job for her. she gets to spend time with her sons as well, which she appreciates and she enjoys teaching. she said i probably would too - once i get into it. we parted with a hug and she told me not to pick up any bad habits while i'm there.

it was a really really good two years, i wouldn't choose to have been anywhere else.

i often try to draw these huge sweeping conclusions about life, but more often than not, they don't apply. because life is more complicated than that, more complicated than easy blanket phrases attempting to pull life into a bundle and tie it up.

-

It's been really nice being home, familiarity envelopes me and it feels good. Like being under a thick fleece blanket on a cold night when you don't feel okay and suddenly everything feels better.