Feeling an incredible sense of nostalgia - but I always am somehow in a state of longing - to be somewhere, sometime, someone else. Is it a trait of our generation? Then again, it seems to be all around lately - with fashion going back to the 90s/2000s, phone accessories, selfies… had lunch with some ex-colleagues today and they were surprised that I was older than they thought I was. Being in my late 20s isn’t what I thought it’d feel like. I think I expected to have my life “more together” and to feel more “adult” to handle the responsibilities that have added up. 

• I still have the bad habit of pulling my hair.
• I still feel anxious on Sunday nights before work.
• I still feel comforted when I come home and my parents are around.
• I still call my dad to pick me up when I’m feeling really exhausted.
• I still do not buy my own toothpaste and toilet paper (mom does it for the whole household).
• There are still so many stills.

But I look back too, and realise while it doesn’t feel like it, I have grown in many ways. Various aspects of work feel a little easier (though more keeps getting piled on). I am more comfortable facing my classes even on days when I don’t feel like going to work. I have accepted that I cannot do everything at 100% all the time. I have learnt that rest is crucial. I give less time of day to things that don’t deserve my energy or mental space. I try to celebrate little wins, even when the voices in my head try to convince me it’s not enough. I care less about what people who don’t really matter say to me (though less is still more than I should). I try to be as present as I can. I am a lot more sure of myself than I used to be. 

I think the older we grow too, the curve of growth gets gentler - it is harder for us to learn and unlearn and relearn things. We get stuck in our ways. We are more resistance to change. We hold onto familiarity, how things “should be / have always been” done. We think we know better. But so long as we stay conscious to be open to growth, to acknowledging that we do not know everything, that there are always things to learn, then we will continue to grow. And to keep growing is crucial.

Maybe it is okay for life to feel a little mundane some days. For some days to be horrible and exhausting and busy. For some to be restful, and joyful and filled with moments that make our hearts feel full. And for the others to feel like nothing at all.

Been doing ceramics lately - I don’t particularly love it, but I just feel a need to at least know how to do it well. Sometimes, you just have to place your hands at a certain position and hold them there - nothing more. Maybe that’s what this phase of life feels like - that it is okay to feel stuck, and that maybe feeling stuck for this period of time and sticking through with the various tasks, routines, hard and boring things, is what will help to get me to the next step. 

us june 2022

Visiting the US was very bittersweet. Hanging out with all my friends again was very surreal. it felt like each of us had moved on with our own lives, but all at the same time, like nothing had really changed at all. Hanging out with Shelby and Clare in Shelby and Finley's apartment reminded me of all the nights in Shelby and Clare's dorm room @ jones or their apartment in lakeview. we were still us. the friendship we have is something special - there's been so much history, moments where i wasn't sure if we were going to make it through but here we all still are (for better or worse lol).

clare flew with me to chicago and back to new york - & even though we did not have a sit-down, planned/scheduled one-on-one, the conversations before we fell asleep on the air mattress, waiting to board our flights, in the cab to and from the airport were more than enough. It's kind of how our friendship has always been - there in the in-between moments, our art too funnily enough.

i heard shelby getting ready to take brigg's for a walk the first full day we were in chicago and i sprung up quickly to brush my teeth so i could join them. it was a cold morning. we walked and talked about nothing in particular but it felt like any other morning as if i hadnt left. i recall meetups at coffee shops to work (or "work"), walking home together, being each other's main companion when clare was away. i'd always remember how she drove me to the beach on the way to the airport when i made the sudden trip home when my grandma passed away. sometimes it's not the words exchanged, but a friend's presence and them knowing exactly what you need in that moment.

one of the nights, there was a tornado warning. we didn't really know how serious it was but with all adversity, the four of us made wry jokes to ease the tension while we monitored the situation outside. at some point, someone suggested that it was probably the time to head down to the basement as the winds were picking up. we sat on blankets in the dark. briggs walked around curiously but warily (he's always on edge). finley or shelby or their neighbour i can't remember now, joked about how chicago wanted to give me and clare a spectacular welcome. there wasn't a tornado in the end.

while attempting to navigate the tornado warning, jen and i were trying to coordinate dinner. we were meant to meet at 7 but the warning lasted till around 7.30pm. ti was kinda crazy how things were looking pretty serious at one moment, and the next, the sun was out again as though we weren't hiding in the basement a half hour ago.

jen and i saw each other from a distance and ran - very dramatically romcom style - to give each other a hug. it was all the more dramatic post-tornado warning and everything was still wet from the storm. there was barely enough time to catch up about the 4 years in between. we laughed so hard, recalled memories, exchanged major life updates and promised that we'd really have to play clue again the next time we met. the trash talking awaits still.

sitting by the beach with alexa made my heart so full and so warm (literally because it was one of those 90-95 deg days). we have such a special friendship it is difficult to describe in words. we became friends when i responded to her spontaneous facebook post asking if anyone wanted to hangout one afternoon. we had only met briefly prior in a more formal/official setting. little did i expect to watch her attempt to do a headstand on a hill in palmisano park that afternoon. we took off our sandals and let the cold water lap at our feet. she brought me up to speed with her life updates over coffee and sunshine. she just moved into a neighbourhood she's always wanted to live in and seemed very satisfied and happy with where she was in life which made me feel really happy for her. i was shades tanner by the end of it, but my spirit so light and heart so full.

"It's like you never left," Caroline announced as she showed me around her and Tieg's new place in bridgeport. it was such a lovely home - with studio space for her to work, being close to her job and her friends. she seemed to almost float around the space and there was such content in how she spoke about her life. we talked about art, politics, money and a lot of other topics in between. she truly seemed happy and content to make work because she wanted to, and read and learn. there was a thirst for more knowledge, skills and more of life but not to a point of striving, which is such a hard balance to navigate. we were in a painting class together at ox-bow with clare a couple years ago. i asked if she remembered it and her thoughts about it. she said she thinks about that class a lot so it must have been good in some way or another.

i walked to a pho shop we used to frequent with great pho and smoothies. abe greeted me excitedly with a hug. i almost couldn't recognise him but his joy was infectious. "tell me everything ting. everything." i laughed. he said he knew our paths would cross again because he never got to say bye properly when i left chicago for good. we talked a lot about guarding our energy and also the kind of work we want to make vs what we thought we were expected to make. how we each relate to art/making and our own practices have changed and should change over time. it was enlightening to hear and exchange perspectives post-college.

as each meetup concluded (there were more too i love you all friends i didnt have the stamina to write about everything), i thought about how i wouldn't see my friends for another few years, but then also feel so incredibly grateful to be able to hangout again and for many pick-ups where we left off as if i had never left.

our last dinner with finley and shelby was at this korean restaurant i'd searched out one thanksgiving when i'd chosen to stay in chicago by myself while the rest of my friends went home/visit other friends' families. i was craving ginseng chicken soup very badly. i searched up this place which was an hour and a half away in some neighborhood i'd never been to before. i made the trek there and had a lovely meal by myself. that night, with finley, shelby and clare, we laughed and talked and ate heartily. i found a wishbone in the soup. finley said clare and i should each make a wish. we each held onto one side of the bone. we counted to three. it broke in clare's favour, also meaning that my wish "wouldn't come true". but there and then, there wasn't really much else i could've asked for. 

this trip was really a reminder of all the relationships i had built in my second home. a home so far away, yet often feels closer than it is.

waving bye to stephanie from the cab to jfk, my eyes started to well up. it had been such a rich and wonderful time in new york too. we had hung out the most on this trip to the US and there was always more things to laugh about, more stories to tell, more jokes to exchange. moments that stuck out to me:

• standing in central park listening to these amazing buskers - stephanie would not stop singing one of the songs they sang in the last few days. she'd sing it before we slept, on the streets (with dancing), on the train...
• people-watching in washington square park/people-watching in general/ overhearing conversations of new yorkers and discussing it afterwards
• making breakfast together in the mornings
• completing the puzzle + painting (though i did most of the painting) and watching JLo's half-time show
• eating udon twice @ raku and walking 20,000+ steps on multiple days
• walking around the town of beacon

i was telling mei that maybe part of these hangouts being so poignant is because of how much time/space/distance there has been in between.

that's just how adult friendships are right - some,  you do life together, and others, you had done before but there are phases and seasons of every relationship.

made a scrappy lil video with more photos/videos here.

till next time friends. i love you all so much. the internet shall keep us close for now. 

 Soak came over the other day to test if my sewing machine could adhere velcro and thick paper for her new book. Jun and her turned up at the same time at the gate. We laughed as we greeted each other - all wearing our sloppiest home clothes. jun and I have been neighbours for the longest time, but didn't know each other until we went to college together.

I met soak through another Singaporean whom I started chatting with because I recognized her accent in a bank in Chicago. Soak and I only had dinner once, but kept in touch occasionally over social media. We bumped into each other sometime last year at an art show at temporary press. Soon, she moved to an apartment above the coffee shop near my place. 

I applied for an open call that happened to be by the company she works part time for. I remember receiving an excited text from her asking me to check my inbox - it was news that I had been chosen for the show! We went climbing together a few times and she also came by to help look at my works to figure out what to include in the show. I met Theo through her - though realized later that we had met before at an MOE event 4-5 years back. I even had his number stored in my phone already. It was all kinda serendipitous.

Back to sewing through velcro and thick paper - it worked pretty well! jun, soak and I hung out in my room and talked about our struggles with pursuing our practices, other artists who seem to have "made it" and reminisced about college days. Soak said she thought where we are now is still kinda exciting - the possibilities that lie ahead. Soak asked Jun if he wanted to see her apartment. Jun and I have lived near this coffee shop for decades, but had only ever seen the apartment above it from the outside.

The first time soak brought me up - it was so surreal being in a space that I've walked past and looked at from the outside almost everyday. I often wondered who inhabited the space, what it was like on the inside. I enjoyed wondering - but now being in the space - it didn't feel real. 

We sat on the floor of her room - and it felt like living overseas again - being with roommates and hanging out like we didn't have any other responsibilities, and time seemed to stop. Theo came back from work, exhausted. We sat for a little while longer before picking ourselves up for dinner downstairs.

The weekday evening exhaustion was very tangible as we ate, yet there was comfort in being together - snide comments were thrown across the table occasionally in jest, and we laughed and talked and ate - it was a lovely evening.

i had such a pleasant experience at the hair salon i had to write a blogpost lol.

 rando uncle: "ah girl, you leave hair so long to look like korean star is it?"

hairdresser aunty: "no la she just lazy to cut"

interactions like that make me smile. i cut my hair very occasionally, i wouldn't even dare call my hair dresser my "regular" hair dresser. i tried different hair salons when i was younger - i have concluded that i am not willing to pay anything more than $35 for a haircut because i just don't really care much about my hair, plus i have so much hair that it honestly doesn't make much of a difference. I used to visit this one that i currently go to when i was younger. it was the first hair salon i remember going to to layer my hair when i was 13. it was a wreck. but i think it was the style then. 

went for spin in the morning, and got breakfast with munnie. caught up about our lives, and i am just so thankful for conversations with her - serious life changing decisions peppered with her obsession with reality tv. we weren't really friends when we were in school. i was too much of a goody-two-shoes, and brainlessly rule abiding. she was a little bit of an intellectual rebel, challenging teachers in discussions. part of me felt like i wasn't really very worthy to interact with her because i really didn't have many opinions. but fast forward to today, we get along so well, and i am thankful for how real our conversations are - and also knowing she will not hesitate to call me out on things, but also wouldn't judge me (or maybe secretly hahaha).

was supposed to head to the gallery, but the appointment got pushed back. drove over to the hair salon. i don't ever remember what they are called (but now i know). i asked my mom about it but she was said to just walk in. they don't even have a proper google location with hours. they are located near my late grandma's place. i used to walk under the block of flats to and from kindergarten. the hairdresser aunty talks just the right amount - not invasive, but also not completely frivolous, and it's always comfortable. she knows exactly how low maintenance i am, and doesnt judge me for it - no pushy sales about treatment nor any judgment about how dry my hair is. i also like how she doesn't blow dry my hair flat and straight and i don't have to tell her either. ahh, it was just the perfect pleasant hair cutting experience that i can rely on.

thankful for the small things like these that just help to add some calm and rid some anxiety. been experiencing some insane levels of anxiety that's work-related. these march holidays are very needed.

2021 reflections

what moments were good?

• spending time with family
• spending time with Bry
• game nights
• when my lessons go well, time with my students
• finding friends @ work 
• first art show in sg

what moments were bad?

• growing/learning pains at my job
• struggling with mental health 
• being impulsive/reactive in my interactions with others both at work and in my personal life without properly considering consequences/processing my thoughts
• everyday life impacted by covid restrictions
• figuring out how to do my job well and balance my personal life, and giving myself permission to rest, constantly letting productivity define my worth
• figuring out friendships as more of us are going through different phases of life/ realising that what people need in a friendship differs from person to person and when those needs are not proportionate/ don't align, friendships drift. but i guess that's life right? doesn't make it hurt any less!

how did you grow as a person?

i think i've really pushed myself - in my job and applying for art showing opportunities. think in doing so i've also begun to be more aware of my limits

• friendships: choosing to invest in friendships that i value, supporting each other through new opportunities/transitions, recognising what i need in a friendship. 
• teaching: growing more as an educator - figuring out how to do my job well/ find a balance of rest and work, being shown my weaknesses too and painfully working through  my mistakes. constantly humbled and wanting to keep being better for my students
• artist: picking back up where i left off with my art practice. need to find my footing again and not make excuses for my lack of making/ motivation. gotta start somewhere. realising my lack of technical skill.

how would you have done things differently?

• prioritized my wellbeing more. i tend to lose myself when i am too invested in things e.g. my job/art/others and forget that i am not superhuman and can't be in many places at once/ can't be responsible for everything/ juggle that many responsibilities. the ripple effect of consequences is horrifying.
• be more conscious of what i consume/ put out - i could have been more positive/ be more conscious of my thought patterns

what are you grateful for?

• family, bryan, friendships, good colleagues
• grateful for feeling like what i'm doing with my life is meaningful/purposeful/gives me life
• climbing and my love for it and the community of climbers
• support from my loved ones to pursue what i love, and their belief in me

what can you learn more about to make yourself feel better?

• strategies to cope better with my anxiety
• writing down things that come to mind so i don't constantly ruminate
• routines when i end work so i don't keep bringing my mental stress/work stress home
• identifying sources of my anxiety when i get panic/anxiety attacks

• strengthening technical teaching abilities for art + learning from other teachers classroom management strategies and putting them into practice
• being more organised

• developing more awareness on how to market/ price my works/ gain more exhibition experience

goals/resolutions

• work on being less reactive - to process/ think before reacting
• think about the energy i'm putting out into the world/ the energy i'm surrounding myself with
• feel more in control at my job/ find my own working pace/style
• make more art!!
• spend less time on social media and be more present in life - "wherever you are, be all there".

wishing you a life-giving, fulfilling 2022!

sept hols 2021

it's been a while. kinda felt like i needed to type out whatever i did during the september holidays to justify to myself that i was productive and it wasn't a waste. this constant need to feel productive is pretty debilitating sometimes. i wonder if it's just the hustle culture of singapore or maybe it's just me. regardless, i am really thankful for the breather! school has been getting really hectic and the responsibilities that come with being a teacher can feel very overwhelming. i'm very thankful for the interactions with my colleagues and my students! and i love how everyday just brings about new challenges (only partially sarcastic hahaha).

i already started celebrating the break on wednesday night. 

wed:

• bryan and i went to visit baby jemma finally! i made a quilt for her.

thur:

• teachers' day celebrations in school
• the canteen was decorated really well! 
• a reminder of how the care and love and scoldings mean something to the kids hahaha.
• went for lunch with colleagues, then passed out at home because i was tired from the term

fri:

• checked out boulder planet with tricia (she had been there already). they had a one for one pass for teachers' day!
• new gym, new holds, new routes, new challenges, what's not to enjoy!
• the bus ride was long but enjoyable. i love looking out the window and not feeling like im in a rush to get anywhere
• managed to drink a cup of coffee in a leisurely manner too before the climb
• mun and bry came over that evening and we watched the staffroom, a zoom play put on by an ex-school mate of ours. it was interactive and fun.

sat:

• met bryan's parents to get him a new phone
• we went to visit baby micah too! i managed to finish the quilt for him only that night itself so it's still with me.
• he's so chubby and cute. he kept crying though when he was put down hahaha.
• went to bryan's grandma's place for dinner

sun:

• climbed again wuhuuu with tricia and jun at bff. checked out the transend routes!
• feel like im finally making some sort of progress in bouldering after plateauing for quite a while
• we had lunch together, we dapao-ed to my place because the hawker centre outside could only sit two by two
• went to my cousin's place where we had yakiniku! it was so much fun grilling the meat and eating a lot. it's always a great sunday when you don't have work the next day

mon:

• i worked unfortunately hahahaha. there's just so much work to catch up on.

tues:

• worked in the morning before climbing again again wuhuuu at b+ (thank you for the free climb!!!). i think the founder is an ex-pe teacher! yanni and fadli were there too, and jon and his colleague came along as well
• i haven't been to b+ in a while and was not used to how throwy/ pumpy the routes were
• my forearms were rock solid like half an hour in
• yanni and i headed to raffles city and we met the rest of our nie art batch for dinner (missing marie though!)
• we presented each other our grad certs for pgde over truffle fries at ps cafe. it was p cute.

wed:

• i can feel the midweek blues as i am typing this still haha how quick the holiday seemed to pass
• met delia and her kids at scape for breakfast at mcdonalds. 
• esterlyn was scared of the pigeons. i asked her why. she said she was afraid she would be eaten by them. i asked her if the beaks of the pigeons were big or small. she said small. i asked if she was big or small. she said big. i asked if she thought the beaks were big enough to eat her up, she said no. she kept repeating the logic to herself. hahaha it was so cute.
• i asked if she was still scared. she said yes. i said it is okay to be scared.
• she also exclaimed at some point that she is "very fresh!" i think that's why she was scared she might be eaten. HAHAHA. i laughed so hard.
• i also witnessed delia's toddler consume more food than my primary 1 kids. it was amazing.
• we bounced bounced bounced on the trampolines, and my time with them ended too quickly.
• i did work at starbucks and bought an overpriced hibiscus lemonade (ugh i hate how much i like it and am willing to pay for it) before heading to meet my ex-sec school prefect mistress at baker and cook at dempsey
• it was nice catching up with her. we talk on and off. i always find it interesting how conversations and relationships change over the years, as each person gains their own experiences, and change as individuals
• it made me really thankful for her mentorship over the years, and how we have still kept in touch. being a teacher now made me really appreciate what she has done/ is doing for her students/ the school, and how it is really not easy.
• oh! i also met sarry for dinner. there's this soba place i wanted to check out at paragon, it lived up to my expectations. we went to a bunch of children's toy shops to look for "medical" related toys. sarah is working with children's cancer foundation, and they use toys as a way to soothe or educate the children. her work is so meaningful. her presence is comforting as always, i'm thankful for our friendship over the years, from when we met as barely friends in a cafe to make art for a cellmate's birthday or something (when i used to go to church), all the way till now. thankful for how art has been a bridge for many of my relationships with others! she always helps me to see the beauty and gentleness of life in little ways that i often overlook, and reminds me of how kind the world can be sometimes.

thur + fri

• these days were set aside to celebrate my dad's birthday! we had a lot of good food. 
• on friday we did so much!
• we walked in sentosa, followed by lunch at chinatown and stocking up on my fabrics, then we headed to orchard so i could do my brows (my mom was looking for shoes too), followed by dinner at forum. really seems more like my birthday than his!
• i've watched how my parents also have grown as individuals over the years, and am ever so thankful for how they have always let us be who we wanted to be, and allowed us to struggle just enough and stepping in just when things get a little too much, and just been the best parents and done what they felt was best at the different points in our lives

sat

• monday blues started setting in. finished the chair with bryan in the morning, followed by being entranced by bohemian rhapsody. it was sooo good.
• he gymmed after, and i kinda just slept i think. 
• the parents and i went to suntec for dinner after because i would be too mopey just sitting around at home

sun

• back to regular climb at bff with jun. jon and his wife cristen came along too. i took it pretty chill. my fingers got pretty wrecked after climbing too much over the week
• headed to bryans place for lunch
• went for eddie's family/friends spin class at axiom. i really dislike spin, it's just not my thing. but it was nice seeing eddie in her zone. idk how she does so many things and is so incredibly productive constantly. hahaha. the music was good and it was nice (though a little odd) seeing people from mg that i hadnt seen in years.
• the drive with mun to her place was nice. i always take comfort in our conversations, and how we can talk about the most frivolous of things, but also the really important stuff
• the rest of the sunday i took to rest and prepare for the term ahead.

thankful for the break. not very ready to start the hustle again, but i guess that's just how things go right? 

about waste

waste generated collectively over time is really scary, and this isnt even the totality of it. im keeping all these for my students to make work with in the future.

been reading up a lot about waste management for a project I'm doing for school & trying to be more conscious about the things I throw away. I'm not one of those who has been particularly environmentally conscious, but I think making changes in little steps has always been how I do things. I'm just trying to 

1. think before I buy anything - do I really need it? can I make it? can I get it from someone else? 

2. think before I throw - can this be used again? can I generate other uses for it? can my students make art out of it in the future?

and it's not to say that I'm super green cos I don't think anyone would even call me that, and I still buy things I don't need or throw without thinking sometimes out of convenience, or moments that I can't be bothered, but I do want to take steps to be more conscious about how I can make a difference. And I really do think the little things add up!!! I encourage u to do the same too! Also it's really occured to me lately that it really takes time and a desire to research about the causes you are passionate about - and it's not easy, but it's very necessary if we want to make our world a better place!